I am going home to Baton Rouge for Thanksgiving. This is very exciting. I am bringing Tracy(or I should say he is bringing me!) to meet my family. This is no secret. I am looking forward to this very much.

Meeting and experiencing my family and friends can be overwhelming. The sheer volume is a bit much. As Bradley has said, people like to talk about their "crazy" families. Aunt So-and-So spilled the chowder on herself and cried or something. It's not like the Louque house. My kids won't be with me, which makes me sad. They are part of the noise and collective insanity. I can't really think about that. I am looking forward to laughing and seeing my people. I hope this goes well. Always good. Always home. There are people that won't be there that will be missed, but I will enjoy every moment.

More Beauty

Louque

One of my tattoos(I have 3)is my maiden name Louque. It is in red and is underlined by the scar from my appendectomy from oh so long ago in the 8th grade. I got it (the tat) when I was 40. Kay Lynn and Carole were with me, and I think I had a little drink before I got it. We went to Government St. right where Papa Louque had his paint store when I was a little girl. I remember very well my reasons. I wanted to honor my Daddy, and, mainly, I wanted to say that I was not just Mom or Mrs. Harvey. I was somebody before those things. So, I basically carved that into my skin so no one could say any different. And no one can. It seemed a little desperate, and it was.

I have decided to restore my name to Louque when my divorce is final. I understand that some moms want to keep the names of their children. I'm not going to. I like being Karen Louque. I always did. I do not want to be some new person after my divorce. I will be happy just being me. I haven't gotten to do that in a long time. I guess that is new in a way. People who knew me before understand.

So I will restore my name. I am happy about this.

Random beauty

I love when songs make sense...

I am messed up, people! Have a wonderful, groovy day! I know I will.

Wow that picture uploaded small....anyway.....


Life is good these days. there are so many things changing....My very dear friend Linda Latner (aka the Spaniard) made an observation yesterday. She held my shoulders, looked at my face and into my eyes and said, "You're not sad anymore, are you?" And I'm not. I am not sad. It's gone. The dark weight that I carried around for so many years is gone. I realized it the other day. I was reading my "manifesto" of sorts. I had written down some things a while back about my life in order to stay sane. (literally) It is a sad couple of pages. Only a few people have read it, and they know what I mean. But now when I read it, It doesn't even feel like it is me. It's another woman. Another Karen. I cannot explain what a miracle that is. I used to think that the only way to escape the sadness was to die. I had no hope. Amazing. Now I am walking on air! I still have most of the same challenges. In fact, I have no idea how I am going to get through some of these things. But, I am not worried. Love actually does cover up everything.

O Canada

My favorite.

Chase and Evan before a game. Jenn and I are happy moms.

Wednesday

Here's to hoping that all is well with everyone. Looking toward the weekend. Here are some quotes from my favorite modern author, Anne Lamott.

"You can either practice being right or practice being kind."
— Anne Lamott


"You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp."
— Anne Lamott



"I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish."
— Anne Lamott

Andrew Raphael

Today my son Andrew turns 18. This weekend he celebrated with friends with a lot of bodies sleeping all over, some gumbo, and his favorite, pumpkin pie.

Andrew is my musician. He is gifted with the ability to pick up an instrument and just play. I remember when he was about 2 and I walked by the room he was in, and I heard the Star Spangled Banner being played perfectly on the Little Tykes piano. I said something like "How did you do that?" and he said he heard it on TV. That's how it has always been. These days he is kicking butt on the drums, and he is amazing.

Andrew is also somewhat of a non conformity kind of guy. (hmmm) He doesn't go with the crowd, and his friends are the funniest and most diverse group you can imagine. Lots of fun. I love my boy. He has always been my sweet spirit and still is. Happy Birthday to you, son. I love you with everything I think and do. You are the man.

WVL III

Maybe it's the cool air. The time of year. I am rounding the corner of when I saw him last. I miss my Daddy.

Wilson Vance Louque III. Born to Wilson and Margret. Brother to Joel and Holt. Husband, Daddy, Paw Paw, Uncle, friend. I have never laughed so much at a funeral. My Daddy truly spent his life mixing up the room.

Bradley and I were talking this morning about the fact that whether I would like it or not, if Daddy were here, there would be some serious repercussions for some. Never forget his pallbearer list. The blacked out name. I have some ideas, but...

I miss phone calls. I would like one right now. So much. I got one that day. That was it. I miss knowing that everyone is thoroughly cheered for, represented, advocated, taken care of, and defended. I miss the inappropriate jokes. I miss Mass in Spanish being put on tv just to bug Mama. The hunting stories (when he shot the nuts of that poor deer),the paranoia, even the routing. I miss having the Bigger Than Life element. My Daddy had real friends and enemies. But even the enemies tipped the hat. And at his funeral they got one more "kiss my ass". Perfection.

So what have I learned? Live big. Love hard and unconditionally. Be loyal, nasty loyal. Jump in the car and drive across the world loyal. No questions asked.
Laugh. Laugh at each other, but mainly at me.
Pray for your enemies. Even if it's a nod.
Don't get decapitated. There are a million ways.
Normal is overrated. Dysfunction builds character and is much more funny. Funny is good.

I love my Daddy. I miss him. Need him. Life is mysterious. I will trust God with this, too.

My life is very confusing sometimes. Well, maybe not confusing. Ok, a little confusing. Ya see?

There are some things that I know for sure, as Oprah would say. I know about my Faith, what I believe, and I try to walk that out. I know who I love, and I also know who loves me. That's a good one, because people will say they love you. I am not confused about that one.

I know that there is nothing more beautiful than a night sky full of stars. It is perfect. God is big.

I know that most people just want to be heard and understood a little bit. Everybody has something to say, and if you look into someones's eyes and listen, you'll hear it. It heals the speaker and the listener.

I know that my chocolate lab is really not thinking complex thoughts. She just wants food and affection and food. That is it.

I know that every moment has a joy, but sadness is always looming. I have seen this too many times to pretend it's not there. I just try to be prepared somewhat. I was having a happy day a while back, and Bradley said something like "be careful, Mom". I told him that I realize that while I am so happily dancing around, there is certainly a baseball bat swinging around from behind me about to take out my legs. I will just enjoy the moment until impact. (The bat hit the next day. It was a good swing.) Oh well.

I know that I will survive the divorce I am experiencing. I will. I have know idea what I will look like on the other side. Hopefully wiser and resolute. Maybe cuter somehow. I will work on that.

I know I love you, whoever you are, for reading about me. I am amazed that you do. It's a kind thing to regard me. I don't take it lightly. Thanks.

Love Sonnet XVII

by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

I used to read the book The Runaway Bunny to to my kids when they were small. I loved it so much. It's about a little bunny that keeps creating ways and scenarios in which he could perhaps escape his mother. No matter what he comes up with, she always has a solution to bring him back to her. He is her little bunny. No matter what. She will become whatever she has to become in order to get him back.

I love my children. There is nothing that they or anyone can ever do to change or lessen that in any way. I love the idea of loving someone so much that you are willing to transform yourself for their benefit.

"Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away.
So he said to his mother, “I am running away.”


“If you run away,” said his mother,
“I will run after you.
For you are my little bunny.”
“If you run after me,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a fish in a trout stream and I will swim away from you.”
“If you become a fish in a trout stream,” said his mother,
“I will become a fisherman and I will fish for you.”

I love my bunnies. I am just a small woman, but I will do anything or be anything for my children. Some days are dark, but it is very comforting to know and feel and see the tenacious love of a mother. I am some one's bunny as well. It is a good, good thing.

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. -- Mother Teresa

My beautiful friend Donna Clyde posted this on facebook. I have certainly found that the reward is certainly in the "doing". Thank you, Donna.

Beautiful

I have to apologize, because my LSU flag is indeed safe somewhere after all. My sweet funny girls from Johnny's came in the night and stole it. I thought it could not be removed without cutting it, but they succeeded. So hats off to Billie Jean and Paige (aka the Blonde Dolla). They are definitely not ill spirited bumpkins. :)

It has been a nice weekend so far. I love a lot about my life these days. Lots to be thankful for. My kids are smart and funny, and I honestly love to be with them. Andrew has just co-written a song and part of it was actually inspired by something I wrote on here! I am so excited. The song is beautiful and I will try to figure out how to put it on here.

Some ill spirited bumpkin took my sweet LSU flag.

It's a brand new day with endless possibilities to love and laugh.

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.
John Burroughs

Have a nice day friends.

Today

September 21, 1983, my childhood friend and sweetheart died in a motorcycle accident. I will never forget that day. It changed me forever.

It was a very misty, rainy Louisiana morning. The first cool one of the year. I was at LSU, and I can remember walking to class noticing that the rain had stopped, and it was becoming my favorite kind of day. Bluest sky, cool air...the best. I remember seeing my brother Vance and thinking that he was not supposed to be there. He was there to pick me up and bring me home, since Danny had been in a wreck. I did not understand why we weren't just going to the hospital instead of my house. But we did, and when we drove up, I noticed all the cars. So many. When I walked in, everybody was crying and looking at me. I knew.

For the longest time I would go hang out at the cemetery, talking to him. If you've ever done that, you know it's a very quiet empty feeling. A one way conversation. After some time, I decided to take my flowers to the nursing home instead of Danny's grave. I would just pick random rooms to give them to. It seemed more productive.

I know that no matter where they are, his family is thinking the same things that I am. Where they were, how they reacted. I love you, McNemars, all of you. It has been 26 years. Peace, Danny.

My Starry Night

Bradley

Today, 20 years ago at 8:08 am, I became a mother. I remember when they called out the time, I was surprised because that was my birth time as well. I never knew until then how much I could love. I remember looking at him and thinking that I didn't really know him yet, but if anyone comes near him, I may hurt them. That was my first feeling. Protectiveness. It has since become, as I have said before, heart bursting love. I am so proud of my son. He is one of the funniest people I know. He is home with me for now while he is going to school. I am enjoying every minute. I love you, Bradley. My heart literally hurts when I try to put into words how much. Peace and Happiness to you today and forever. My boy.

Tuesday

Hopefully everyone is doing well. My weekend was wonderful, and now I am getting through the week. My cats are, as of today, outside cats. Seems that one of them is feeling the need to mark the territory. Unfortunately, that means my clothes and Evan's. Not a good move on the part of the cats. I think it was Mike. I've always known that he owned me.

Roux, my chocolate lab, decided to take off running yesterday when I let her out. She went across the lake and lingered. This got on my nerves. I had to go and retrieve her. These are times that it is good that I don't have a rifle. I think I could have taken her out with a scope. I don't know how I would have explained it to the kids, but...

So that is it. Animals. (I didn't even mention Russell the ferret or Beauty the bunny).

I am going paint my toenails. How is your week looking? Carole, I will try to be raw sometime this week. Promise. I also put my playlist on shuffle. This is BIG. Very new and exciting on my Porch. That's kinda raw.

My Playlist

Most people probably hit pause on my playlist when they visit (Clyde), but I rather enjoy it. Most of the songs are directly related to events or seasons or people in my life. Some are just funny.(all the Weezer songs!) Shadows and Regrets by Yellowcard reminds me of Andrew along with Troublemaker. The Greatest Man is Evan's (If you don't like it you can shove it, but you don't like it, you love it.), and Bradley is Get Low (no explanation needed if you know Bradley at all!)and Honestly by Zwan. I need to put some Miley on here for Bellie, and Honey likes all of it! There are others. Some do not know that In the Still of the Night is my Mom's favorite. You Belong to Me by Jason Wade will always be from me to my kids. They all mean something...

Assassins

Ok, for the past week or so we have been playing this ridiculously funny game. It is called Assassins and we play with nerf guns. I am dead as a type this, but I feel I should document. In this game, everyone is given a "hit" or someone to shoot with their nerf gun. People do not know who is hunting them. We are all in utter paranoia. There are kids (and some childlike adults) running around trying to off their targets. People have been set up, lied to, chased, stalked, and gunned down. It is hilarious. So that is what's going on here. We never go outside without sending Isabelle and Honey out to check the perimeter. The coast is usually clear, but you never never know. Great times!

Post Game

Above, some studliness: Shaq, Evan, Chase, Robbie, Quinton




Me and my Evan. My hair was a little big. Don't judge. It was humid.

Keystone Varsity Football

These are my boys!! Evan is 1, Wynston 2, Ryan 8, Chase 10, Tyler 67, Robbie 32, Zack 12. There are more, but I can't see the picture while I am typing this, so forgive me if I leave someone out. The only one missing from the pic is Zak Davis. I am so bummed he is injured and not playing this season. The only people that are glad are the other teams. Seriously. That is Zak #9.

Tonight we play our rival Bradford. I love the feeling before any game that there is so much hope that anything can happen!! I hope no one gets hurt, but I hope the hits are hard! Go Keystone!

Oh, and I just noticed Evan's helmet.

How was your weekend?

Happy Monday! This weekend was nice. Friday night was Evan's first varsity football game. On his first play, he made a beautiful interception! Wherever you are in the world, you may have faintly heard me cheering. Saturday was a day off of work, so I got some sun at Robin's and pulled a few weeds out of her lake shore. That night I hung out with my friends Tara and Wendy and chatted by a pool. Sunday was serving the after church crowd at Johnny's BBQ. My kids got home later, and Pony Boy came to visit. He fixed our 4 wheeler! He also brought me a giant rock to put in my yard. Because he loves me. It's a big rock. I like it. That is about it.

I Pity the Fool

Ok, you have all weighed in with love and support. More than I deserve or anticipated. Let's continue walking and talking and loving. I love you all. I would hate to go up against such a crowd!! God has truly blessed me. Love, love, love to all.