Learning a lot these days about me. Mostly that I am better off with my thoughts safely swirling around in my head. No need to verbally express them or even write them. I am not in the center evidently. I feel strongly about things that normal happy people do not care about at all.

I continue to look for the reason we are all doing this. I know it has to do with learning and loving and dying. I hate the dying. I watched Big Fish the other day and had to go into the bathroom twice to cry. I miss my Daddy. I guess I will be 80 (if I am lucky) and still miss him. It's what he brought to the table. It's so cool to walk a high wire with a net.

I have no idea if I am the only one thinking that I am a completely average, slightly crazy person. I hate that. I do nothing greatly. But I guess greatness is rare. Sorry I'm a little down. Tomorrow will be cool.

These are busy times. I am trying to stay focused and keep my priorities in order. I hope to have more to say soon. Something funny or profound. Right now it's all about getting through the day and making sure everybody eats. I love the life God has entrusted me with.

Somebody will show you the Zulu King....

Today is Mardi Gras. It's so strange that no one really knows what today is, but in Louisiana it is so huge. I remember having school off on Monday and Tuesday. Then getting my ashes on Wednesday. It was so common to see people everywhere in town with the black smudge on their forehead. I remember trying to decide what to give up for lent. The biggest sacrifice was when I was 7 and gave up I Dream of Jeannie. God knew my faithfulness on that one. I gave up soft drinks one year, and that was pretty hard. I'm not Catholic anymore even though my mother would say I am whether I like it or not. It's like a race not just a religion. Maybe tomorrow I'll go the the Catholic Church here in Keystone and get my ashes. I wonder if I still can?

I guess the most important thing is to know what you believe. To have something. I have experienced people lately that have seemingly nothing on the inside. Just a void with some meanness floating around. That is sad and almost impossible to me. My hat is off and my heart is toward anyone that has the courage to believe. To go beyond what you see and hope that there is more. I say hope because we truly only know all things when this is over.

Happy Mardi Gras to Mama and Papa Louque. To Paw Paw and Mama Toon. To my daddy who made believing so important to me. Thank you with all my heart.

:)

I am happy. That's good.

What Honey does sitting around the house. She draws...

Honey is my 16 year old daughter.

Our opinions are sacred. They are not just generic, common thoughts and notions that everybody has, like assholes. They are what your body houses, the ideas that motivate and encompass a human being.They are what cause us to live and dream and walk out our lives. Some seem messed up and some probably are. Some are limited to experience like a child's. But I hope I don't so easily dismiss another person's opinion. I am not sure if it's even possible not to. We are so biased and predisposed and indoctrinated. So caught up in ourselves. So threatened by another idea. I hope I can relax and hear my inner voice and close my mouth long enough to hear yours.

I believe that there has never been any injustice, great or small, social or personal, that has been solved by silence. Even if the things we say are proven wrong or misguided, at least we can get the dialogue started by opening up our mouths. And what if by some design or coincidence, you're particular point of view is the best place to see a situation? I don't know.

Old Lady is whispering Hush...

Today I chewed some people out, fought for a friend, took one too many allergy pills because I am getting old and forget that I took a pill, wigged out on generic claritin, did busy paperwork, worked at my JBBQ, went to my son's last opening game of baseball, loved my kids, missed my Tracy Miller terribly, apologized to someone I offended, kept missing Tracy Miller, and vowed to be a better person tomorrow. Somehow. Good night, Moon.

Black Winged Bird

When I think of Heaven, I tend to not think of the terrain. It doesn't impress me to imagine pearly gates, streets of gold, and what not. I always think of people. Heaven for me will be (and is now) about being with people that I love. All of them. At one time. THAT is Heaven. To be able to watch one favorite person's reaction and enjoyment when they get to experience another favorite. To see Johnny Mason meet Little Ken. For my brother and Tracy Miller to laugh. There are so many.

I've said before that eternity creeps me out. It's too big. But I hope there is one, and I hope that I am with my kids and my friends and all cozy with my Miller. I guess that's just heaven here.

I like when life is too hard, and people doubt me,
 and I win them over with my actions.
Evan Harvey

Happy Birthday Honey!!!!

Oh yes

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold



I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good.

Kid Cudi

Sweetness

It finally rained. This means that the world will be clean today, and my leg will stop hurting. Since I was 16, when the temperature was about to drop and it was fronted with the promise of rain, my skin would hurt very badly down one of my legs until I had the relief of the rain. I've read about it, gone to doctors, whatever. I don't know what it is. It hurt, and now it's gone. Today.

This weekend Evan turns 18. He comes in my room at night and tells me about his day. He does his own laundry, helps me without being asked, bathes old people during the day that do not want to be bathed, goes to baseball, goes across town to football, gets home, does homework, and says Mom tell me about your day.

My kids are my sweetness. I could write a chapter on each of them and explain how they save my life. Bradley told me the other day simply the funniest story I have ever heard. He has the quickest wit that I know of. Andrew and I get to work together. He is so compliant and so good. If you cannot get along with him, you are flawed. Honey is the honest seer. I cannot tell here what she observes, but she blows me away with her matter of fact depth. And my Bellie with her sweet spirit and her French tips. I see her trying to be normal but not buying into it. Not believing her own press. Just like her mother.

I'm off to work. My heart is literally divided up and going in five different directions. Not sure how to manage that. Love to everybody. Enjoy the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr. is absotutely one of the greatest thinkers of our tiny speck of history. It is a complete pleasure and honor when you hear a man or woman speak with true wisdom. Everything he said publicly resonates with truth, love, and understanding. He was given the gift of sight. I am so thankful that he did not keep it to himself. Honestly, how could he? One of my favorite leaders of all time.

Ten thousand fools proclaim themselves into obscurity, while one wise man forgets himself into immortality.



Martin Luther King Jr.

Resolute

Isabelle wrote on her facebook page that her New Year's "Revolution" was to make straight A's and make one new friend. Her misspelling was actually so much better than just a mere resolution. As Robin and I observed over cocktails, it would indeed be such a revolution for everyone to make that one new friend.

I am not sure about so called unconditional love, especially in a relationship. To begin with, the term is a man made invention. It's a good one, based on agape love. God's love. But I know there is Philia and Eros. And Storge.

Quite honestly, I appreciate the distinctions that the Greeks gave me. There is the unconditional;  the passionate, sensual longing; the friendship; and the parent love. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you need the eros one in a relationship. Which means you give and get back. And there is nothing wrong or selfish about that. I have lived my life thinking that I have to always live and walk in the agape kind. It's great for the people around me, but I want some, too. How could I not?

2012- I want to understand love and all of It's expressions and meanings and connotations. I want to give love and be loved. How's that for revolution?

Geaux LSU! Reppin' the boot and all that. Love it! We will eat ettoufee and cheer one last time for LSU this season. Looking forward to next year.....

Elvis Birthday Eve

I really don't like cold weather. You have to wear so much more, and I don't like to wear so much more. My house is so cold. I have so much respect for the people of the world through history who accomplished great things in low temperatures. I would have us all huddled around the fire in the cave. I am so much less than those people.

I am looking forward to the LSU game on Monday. I am trying so hard to have spirited banter with the men that come in to JBBQ with Bama hats on, but I think they just can't imagine a woman actually saying that our secondary is going to make them one dimensional, and our d-line is going to shut down Richardson. They don't like my saying that we will pull away in the 4th and it will not be that close. Oh well. Maybe I should say our colors are pretty and the QB is cute.

I am on the look out for reasons to enjoy the moments, so if you have any ideas, I am open.

Coldplay - See You Soon (Cover) By My Andrew

I know it's 2012, but I haven't felt that fresh start thing yet that everybody feels. I know I am glad the holidays are over. I miss my kids. Especially Isabelle. Probably because she is the youngest and not able to just come see me like the others.

I have a lot of challenges this year. Some things I knew I would be dealing with, some I never saw coming. But here I am.

I will be a better Mother this year. I have felt so detached from my kids, but I am done with that. They are my family. My home.

I want to learn how to do my job better this year. I want JBBQ to prosper and continue to be the happy place that it is.

Last year is gone, and I am happy about that. It seemed like a slippery hill that I kept falling down with no end in sight. No occasional stump to break my descent, not even a briar patch to get tangled in momentarily. Just a long slide. I am done with that, too. I think I am at a plateau. God, please.

I want to get paid for at least one written collection of thoughts and words this year. That is about it. Love to all.

New Year tomorrow! I am taking down the tree, burning it, and probably writing something on here later. Football is on all day, so that is good. Happy New Year to everybody.

I'm up too early.

Thinking about so many things. Do I make some people better? I've been told that by some unlikely characters. Do I make some worse? Maybe. I am certainly awesome in the presence of some. And I am not wonderful with others. I want to take credit for the good, like that's the real me. But the bad stuff, it must be the other person, right? I think we are all of it. A sum of ourselves and the people we stand in front of. Such a complicated connection. How do we only project the good?

There are some people that make it difficult. I will not pretend that some are just jerks. It's hard to maintain inner beauty in the presence of dickery. (just made up that word, along the lines of jackassery and douchbaggery.) At least for this Louque, I am ill equipped at times, or well equipped. It depends on how you look at it. Selflessness has almost become innate with me, and thank you, God. But, there is a moment when I will pick up proverbial rocks and throw them at your metaphoric head. I will with my words do a friggin donut in your symbolic yard. I get off the cross all the time, tell you what I really think, and then get back on like a good little martyr. This is not right, but I am not sorry. Maybe I will evolve, but for now, this is it.

I want to busy myself with loving my sweet children. I want to tire myself with giving pedicures, cooking good food, and dancing. I want to use my superpowers for the good. Do the same.

Hmmmm....

“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less.”

“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”
“The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master that’s all.”
Alice was too much puzzled to say anything, so after a minute Humpty Dumpty began again. “They’ve a temper, some of them—particularly verbs, they’re the proudest—adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs—however, I can manage the whole lot! Impenetrability! That’s what I say!”

Never too late

In order to connect with another human, we have to be vulnerable. And to be vulnerable, we have to be willing to accept another person for who they are. Or how can they be vulnerable? How can someone trust me if I can't accept all of who they are? I am hellbent on learning how to love and trust and accept and to be a person worthy of connection.

How was your weekend?

Local football player makes play of the year

Local football player makes play of the year

Maxpreps Play of the Year!!!

Happy Day before Christmas Eve.

I know people have as long as I can remember tried to get Christmas "back to what it's supposed to be." Honestly, it has always been about the presents and the food. And if you are a kid, Santa. And I do not think God cares one bit. It's a man made holiday, like all of them, and he was actually born in July or something. It's ok, everybody. Relax. Happy Holidays for goodness sake. Just because Constantine made it official in 400AD, we don't have to make it so serious. I am fine with the Grinch, and Rudolph. I am happy with my memories of Mama Louque coming over at 5am to put the turkey in our oven because hers was full. I love the consumerism and the commercialism. It's nice to have a season set aside that we buy for each other. What is so wrong with that? I like the lights, the trees, the music. If you think about it, we love so much about Christmas that is not directly about Jesus. But I also love Luke chapter 2. My absolute favorite. Hark and Lo and Behold. Angels talking to shepherds under the stars, a woman in labor in a barn, and the King of the Universe sticking it to the man by not doing it our way. That is what Christmas is to me. God's telling us that what we think and do and require is not what He thinks and does and requires. He always goes against religion and our "wisdom."

So I hope this Christmas you have a nice time. I hope you had some money to buy some gifts, because if you didn't, you will feel shitty. It's ok. It's just a holiday. Next year will be better for you. I hope you have love in your life and that you are healthy. I hope your children are whole. God bless you. I sincerely mean that with all my heart.

gone, going

Look at all those fancy clothes,
But these could keep us warm just like those.
And what about your soul? Is it cold?
Is it straight from the mold, and ready to be sold?

And cars and phones and diamond rings,
Bling, bling, because those are only removable things.
And what about your mind? Does it shine?
Are there things that concern you, more than your time?

Gone, going.
Gone, everything.
Gone, give a damn.
Gone, be the birds, when they don't wanna sing.
Gone, people, all awkward with their things,
Gone.

Look at you, out to make a deal.
You try to be appealing, but you lose your appeal.
And what about those shoes you're in today?
They'll do no good, on the bridges you burnt along the way.

And you're willing to sell, anything?
Gone, with your head.
Leave your footprints,
And we'll shame them with our words.
Gone, people, all careless and consumed, gone

Gone, going,
Gone, everything.
Gone, give a damn.
Gone, be the birds, if they don't wanna sing.
Gone, people, all awkward with their things, Gone.

Merry Christmas, everybody. I hope you are reminded that there is no child brought into the world that is not worth it. No matter how inconvenient. There is always hope, and when you have no hope, keep flossing. The bad times will pass, and you want your teeth. I have notified my children that if I stop flossing, intervene. I have lost my mind.

I hope next year is better than last year. I hope I can fix all my well meaning mistakes. I hope I can have some respect for myself and not settle for less than nothing. I hope my kids will be healthy and happy and see that in me. I hope that I will believe my senses and my mind and not be afraid to act on them. I hope I find out that I am worth it, too.

I hope next year, in 2012, people that don't see me miss me . Like I make a difference. I hope I have made an impact on them enough to miss. I hope people like talking to me, as though I had something to say. I hope I can say some good things, think some good thoughts, and be pleasant to know. I hope that I can be a better person. We'll see.

Above all I hope that I represent the people that trust me well. People like Johnny Mason, my children, Jesus, and women in general. Ok, Jesus probably doesn't trust me. He knows better, but He has entrusted me with so much. I will keep trying and saying I am sorry.

I hope. That's not bad for me.

Manifesto Part II

Who am I?

 Not sure, but I am Vance and Kay's daughter. That means I will kiss your ass. To a point. And then not so much.  Karen Marie Louque. I will give everything, all of me, until it goes beyond pain. I will disappear. I mean f&#king disappear. I can keep my mouth shut for a time, but when I open it, I know how to say what's in my head. I understand fully. I would not say I have a command of the language, but I know my mind. I rarely engage unless I know from beginning to end what the hell I am talking about. I take no pleasure in hurting a person. I will avoid that. In fact, I will not do it. It's not intelligent. But if you need to know what I see, I can clearly tell you. It might hurt. I am precise with words whether it is to tell how much I love or how small you are. I can elaborate. I like telling how much I love you.

I love people. I LOVE people. I love music, and dancing, and silly people. I have no depth to silliness. People that know me now or grew up with me know this. We will laugh. We have to. It is the only way to be alive.

I love God. Not your God, because I do not know Him. I barely know mine. I do firmly believe that regardless of what I think and what you think, God is who He is, and it's probably not that much of what we think. A lot of people think they know me. It doesn't change me. I am what I am. But God... I am trying, but all I can get is this love thing. I cannot stop with the loving the other person, the giving it all, the belief that I will make it because I was good to someone else. I do not hold grudges. Move on. I don't recommend burning a bridge. You never know, but if you have to burn one, make sure there is nothing worth anything on the other side. Like a person or your favorite jeans or something.

I need things. I hate that. But it's true. I perhaps will go through life and never have those things. Oh well. Pursuing them is better than settling for not trying to get them. Might as well die.

 I see things. How they will be. I can predict the future sometimes by trends and the past and lessons from others. What good is all this shit if we can't learn from it? I know when people lie. I don't call them on it, because it doesn't always matter, and I don't want them to get better at it. (no more secrets!) I see way too much. And it is usually right. It always is, but I am being modest about it. The eyes are truly the window to the soul, and I have never seen a bad pair or a good pair that was not reflecting the truth. Never.

I wonder what Heaven will be like. Some days are close to it now.

One more thing. I would rather have perception, a quick wit, and intuition than be able to kick box. It would be fun to win a fight, but I would rather see. The Truth. I see it, but I don't know what to do with it all the time. But I will.

Now just as important, who are you???

Today is my Mom's birthday. She is 70. Wow. I remember sitting in her chair and watching Days of Our Lives while Kay Lynn and Vance were at school. I could turn into this awesome being called Angel Nurse and rub her temples. I actually was rubbing out headaches when I was 5. Angel Nurse was quite a girl. She had it together.

Nine years ago, my Daddy sent Mama some roses to Redemptorist for her birthday. He had a doctor's appointment and called me after. He was worried about his heart and wanted to remind me about Mama's birthday. I remember thinking that he was going to freak himself out about his heart. The next call I got was from him telling me he was going to the fire station because of his chest pains. I thought, yep, he is freaking out. That was the last time I talked to him. The next call I got was from Vance telling me that they were on the way to the hospital and they had shocked him. I knew then. My kids were with me, Scott and Paula came over, and Brad came home from work. I hate death. I got the call soon after and talked to Dr. Ren. Daddy was gone. We were remodeling our house at the time. We left for Baton Rouge and Scott, Travis, Piggy and I don't know who else finished our house. They were awesome. When I came home, our house was done, and Travis wore his loop earrings for me that one time. You would have to know Travis. In the next few months I had kidney surgery and then a tumor removed. I was grieving the death of my father, homeschooling my 5 children, and recovering from pain, and unhappily married. Many people stepped in and saved my life. Melanie Grogan. I will always thank God for her. There are some people that think I am weak or light. They do not know. I have learned that I like goodness. Peace and not sadness. People love me. That is what that horrible time taught me. I am thankful to all of them.

I am rambling a little. I know.


Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

I miss Daddy.

I love Friday. It's not because of my job. I actually love my job. It's a place where everything is the same. There are things to do, rules, the people....it is the safe place in my life. Like the ball field. I like the people there and, lo and behold, they seem to like me, too. Or they get paid to be polite. I'll take it.

The 13th is my mama's birthday and the day my daddy died. It's always harder on the days leading up to that time. The actual day is fine. I will write more about that later.

Have a nice day. I will.

Not even close, Maslow.

I, like so many people I have known, tend to be too quick to become less or nothing at all in order to win approval or love or whatever we think we need. Here are a bunch of things that I like. I have to look really deep on this one...

I like yellow, fall, loud music. I love lots of people and I love to be alone. I like being noticed and remembered. Being thought of, laughed at, spoken to. I like watching To Kill a Mockingbird and It's a Wonderful Life and Lord of the Rings. I like naps. I like thinking that I am worth time. I like when people are nice to me.

Politically Incorrect, I think

Regardless of how evolved we think we are, we will always live in a Lord of the Flies society. Mankind cannot help himself. Metaphorically, if the Union is in control, they are abusive. If Corporate is in control, they are. People live in cycles of struggle for control, and when we get it, we have no ability to wield it. Some do for a short time, but eventually, somebody wants that fat kid's glasses. To build fires. For the greater good.

I hate politics. It is nothing more than propaganda to me. Who can say the thing that makes me think my life will improve if I vote for them. I wish they would just balance the budget, help the elderly and needy, and protect us from Hitler. I know it is infinitely more complicated, but I choose not to play. I have laundry to do. I will vote. But I will not waste my time with speeches and promises and photo ops. Our lives are just a vapor and then we are gone and forgotten. Maybe this time in history will get a paragraph in a book 1000 years from now. I have no idea. I just want to eat, love, and learn what God wants me to learn today. I do respect leaders. I live with some. I just want us to use our super powers for the good.

One of the things I love about my children is their love for each other. I remember when Andrew was being bullied when he was 16. It was stressful. I can remember Evan, 14, telling him that he would gladly take an ass beating for him. And it would have been just that. That's it. I have always told my boys that I don't approve of fighting unless you are defending a weaker person or yourself. But if you ever see your brother in a fight, you had better come home worse than him. To this day, any of my sons would fight for each other, the girls, Rylee. They are not bad asses. They are not fighters, but they are in. I remember Rylee's face when he heard someone would have to fight Bradley, Andrew, and Evan to get to him. He was so surprised and had the biggest smile. It is nice to be part of something, to have people in your corner that are willing to risk something. There are reasons to get knocked down.  These are the good things. Just sayin.

From a blog that I love:


“silence is the language of God, all else is poor translation."