my starry night

Today in school, we got to go somewhere we wanted to go through indirect cues. It was an exercise in guiding someone without suggesting or directing their experience. I loved my place so much. I thought I would write it so I would not forget.

I am lying on a blanket under the stars. The sky is clear and brilliant like in November. It's cool, but I am warm. I am lying with my arms open. The most significant aspect of the starry sky is its vastness. And my smallness. I am lying there in front of the universe. I am nothing and everything. There is no sound. Just perfect, cool silence. No smells except maybe smoke from a fire far away.

I don't know if I am alone or not. The exercise ended before I got there.

I will do this soon.

JU

Today Evan moved in to the dorm at JU. I truly want to thank the people that care about me. You all know me and see me and it makes life so much better. This is not easy for me. With each child that leaves, a literal part of my heart goes, too. I cannot explain it, but it hurts. I am so happy for my son. He is going to fly. But they don't come back when they leave, and it is a milestone. That's all I can say right now. Can't wait until football, the fall, and moving on in this life. Cheers to love, and being loved by so many. Clink!

In the Colors

The older I get, the more I realize that I don't know shit. Or maybe I'm just forgetting things. It's all the same feeling really. Not knowing. I am reminded time and again that I should put my trust in my own heart and mind, and look to God for some kind of survival.

 

In the meantime, I find joy in the people I love. I love this song.

 

In The Colors (Ben Harper)

 

When your whole world is shaken from all the risks we have taken
Dance with me, dance with me into the colors of the dusk

When you have awoken from all the dreams broken
Come and dance with me, dance with me into the colors of the dusk
Dance with me in the colors of the dusk

The paths we're walking on, they crumble behind us
But if we leave now, they will never find us
And if this crazy world spins itself down to dust, I want to be with you in the colors

When you again start hoping with your arms wide open
Come on, dance with me, dance with me into the colors of the dusk
And all will be right, dancing like water with the light
Dance with me, won't you dance with me into the colors of the dusk?

LSU's Live Tiger Mascot, Mike VI

LSU's Live Tiger Mascot, Mike VI

"Happiness" The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home

My Roomie Nest

Somebody said all the world's a stage,
And each of us is a player.
That's what I've been tryin to tell you.
In Act 1, I was struggling to survive.
Nobody wanted my action dead or alive.
Act 2, I hit the big time.
And bodies be all up on my behind.
And I can't help myself because I was born to shine.
 If you don't like it, you can shove it.
But you don't like it, you love it.
So I'll be up here in a rage,
'Til they bring the curtain down on the stage.
(from Weezer, Greatest Man that Ever Lived)

Evan Louque. I do these tributes every so often. Evan is about to move out and go to college. I hate this crap.

I am so proud of my son. He is a good person. He has remained true to himself through high school. He is the only one of my 5 that did not go through the little smart ass stage. I think he was too tired. Andrew and I have both observed that so much of our family history has been watching Evan play ball. Either driving there, eating while they warmed up, staying in hotels. It has been such a joy.

But there is so much more to my son than sports. He likes to dance. He can move. He likes to play songs that will make me "come out" of where ever I am and dance. He doesn't lie to me. Ever. People may not understand that one. But he can't shock me. I refuse to be offended by any truth that he gives me. He has handled himself with integity and wisdom.

He cares about me. He sees me. And that is the best thing about Evan. He loves. He has faith and is not ashamed of it. It is the very thing that will and already has set him apart. People will look to him, and he can handle it. As he has said, he runs an offense. He can do it.

The lucky woman that gets his heart will be blessed. Right now it's mine. I love you, son, with all my heart. Everything. I respect you. I am your most avid fan. While you were out doing your thing, people found out the hard way not to say anything negative about you. They got off easy. I can't promise that for the future ones. But I can promise to always love and support you. To always dream big for you. To feel so guilty for every second that I did not take advantage of with you. I promise you will never be alone in the world. Never.

 My heart cannot contain you. Geaux kick some ass. I am watching and loving every minute of it. Bring on Act 1.

Summer Break of Sorts

It is August, and here I am. In a Marriott in Tampa. I am halfway through my 47th year, the greatest age of all time, and I am all kinds of things. I am tired, exhausted actually. I am sad that my Evan is leaving for college, but so happy and relieved that he is on a path that includes school and football. I am trying so hard to succeed at what can only be defined as a long distance marriage. Tracy Miller would maybe disagree, but he has no time to read this so...I am massaging people everywhere in reality and in my mind. That kid saw dead people, but I see crooked people. In both cases I am sure Bruce Willis is dead. I am worried about my kids, but I have no time to act upon it. I have guilt about that. I am trying to figure out if I will always be a little girl. Even when I'm 80. I think I will, and I have decided to embrace it. I want Daddy, I like to laugh too much, and if you could just take care of me, I'd be complete. Thank you. I still love my music too loud. I like a little buzz. I like being surrounded by my kids and their friends. I like chaos. I drive fast and prefer a stick shift. Left to my devices I would dress kind of slutty. It's Nanny's fault. I still love to worship my God. I like to sit quietly and cry to Him, and I like to dance and sing so loudly in front of Him. I like to believe. I do. My spirit is a flickering wick, but He said somewhere that He would never extinguish it. And so I flicker on.