Just a little forethought

I wrote the following a while back while pondering a book that is swirling around in my head. It's a preface, I think. Anyway, I thought I'd share instead of letting it sit in my documents wasting away....

I was sitting next to a lovely couple at a bar recently. I had gone away for the day with a friend and was having a drink and watching football. Being from Louisiana, I am never faced with a stranger. So as we "caught up", I found out that the couple had been married for 16 years and that this was indeed their anniversary. How nice! They had 2 young children at home, and then came the question. "Do you have children?" I readied for the response. I have 5. Yes, 5. No, they are all biological. Yes, I'm 48. Oh, thank you, but I assure you, my mind is gone. Ha. Ha. It's my little claim to fame. They are at this time 24, 22, 20, 18, and 15. 

 As we continued, the man I was with called for the check. It was time to move to our next location. But before I went, my new friend wanted to ask a question about parenting...Is this going to be hard? The coming years? It's going to be crazy, right? And, I thought, yes. She wanted my one big advice. The big thing. So I told her...Learn to say you are sorry.

She looked at me in a confused way. Huh? Sorry? I got the feeling this was not the parenting advice she was expecting. And there were so many things I could say. But we were leaving, so I had to get to the heart of it. The one game changer. And this is it. We get these little people entrusted to us. Not when we are wise, but so much sooner. When we are still mostly screwed up. And so, we are going to make a lot of mistakes. More than I can count. But with all that, if I can say I am sorry, if I can BE sorry, I can show my children what it's like to be human. To be God's child learning as I go. And our children can learn to forgive. To let someone else be human. And then, when we humble ourselves, we can allow them to be human, too. Not little replicas of us. But real people with real thoughts and real hearts.

My daughter recently found out she is pregnant. There are great books on pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, parenting, and on and on and on. This book will have some of that. But also some of the "I'm sorry" moments. The "do not try this at home" stuff. Ultimately, it will be about finding and following your Mother Heart. Her Mother Heart. The one that is growing with her unborn baby. It will be about the voices that tell you one thing, and the undeniable pull in your heart to do another. It's how I chose to do it. And it was good. So this book is for my children becoming parents... so they can understand not what to think, but how to find their own thoughts. Not the right way or the wrong way, but their way. And it's always different with each child.

 It's about finding your rhythm. Your inner mama bear. And KNOWING. It's about knowing. And doing.

Love is in the air. And for some, the hope and longing for it. Either way, I do not dislike Valentine's Day. I'm not mad at it, as my Zak Davis would say. It is a chance to give love on a day that we are aware of our need for it. A day to make someone feel seen, loved, regarded. To put an exclamation on it. For them to know it. I decided that last year was my final broken hearted 14th of February. It stings a little more when think you are loved and then ignored. It's just not my loss anymore. Never was.

I have spent much time walking through the dark over the last few years. And writing about it. I've actually written less because it's been such a downer. But as the forest thins and the sun dapples here and there, I am able to think and understand more. It's hard to do that when you are in quicksand and what not. I can see the good that has come from this blackness, and so I will focus on those things. I will try to share what I have come away with while resisting the urge to make a list. Godspeed to me on that one.

I have Light. Inside of me. It dispels darkness like a candle when the electricity goes out. It doesn't require effort. It just is. I have learned that being who and what I am (and who and what you are) is the great purpose. That just being who God made me to be heals and chases away the dark. We all have different gifts, and it is our sacred meaning to cultivate our unique and perfect traits. They are God's gift to us and our gift to others. We need each other. I need you. I am not searching for God's will. I AM God's will. What He is doing inside of me is His great intent.

I am worth defending. The first line of defense is anger. And it's the first thing that was taken away from me. When you are not allowed to be angry, the walls are down, and the zombies overrun the prison. They just mill around, destroying the garden you worked so hard to cultivate, trampling all the goodness, murking the water supply. I have mistakenly thought that the notion of unconditional love was attainable and healthy. Not so much now. In a relationship, there needs to be that all important two way street. That beautiful giving and receiving. And if people are mean, it is good to be angry. I will say it again. I am worth defending. I have no problem defending others, but I have allowed the zombies to have their thoughtless, heartless, robotic way with me. Trying not to live that way anymore.

Talk is not cheap. It is free. People can say whatever they want at no cost to themselves. I love words. They are literally my heart and mind laid down on paper or on a computer screen or given in person to the person in front of me. When I speak, it is deliberate. My words are who I am. Not so much with others. I should not project that kind of sincerity. Which really sucks. But I knew this all along. I will try to judge people by their actions. Their hearts by their deeds. And if their only goal is to blow out my little flickering flame, then I need to get the hell out of there.

Which brings me to my great respect I have acquired for the darkness. I have always told Evan in his football days that you can be a stud, but there is always someone that can put you on your ass. I am no exception. I have learned that I am not greater, no stronger than the light and love that I have inside of me. And that there are some that can suck that away, and leave me for nearly dead. When it comes to love, I am a stud. But I have learned that I am no match for some entities. I need help. And so I am steering clear, not out of fear, but out of regard. Good game. I will go home and get better. Again, to Evan and me, the injured are dangerous because they know they can survive. Brushing off my knees and limping home. I'll be back.

And finally, on this post, I have learned that I am connected with my kids and my loved ones in a way that truly matters. I have a role, a job to do. When I am honoring myself, I can see the rippling effect in them. In Andrew and Chelsea. In Bradley and Isabelle. In Evan. In Honey and our little man.  I can feel just above the surface that our spirits are being drawn in directions that are for our greater good. I know it. And so, I am comforted in all the sadness. In the unrequited love. I have a few more tears to cry. But overall, I am ok. I have always believed that when going through hard times, I should learn the lesson at hand so life will not have to teach it again to me. The theme of my life has been my worth or worthlessness, honesty and faithfulness from men, and maintaining some kind of hope through it all. And the fear of deep water and serial killers. Each lesson has been more intense and accelerated as if God is saying it's time to move on. Like He's knocking on my head to see if anybody is home, McFly?

I am worth something. I have Love. I house Light. And I am home.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Wonderful World

Translation in progress. Please wait...

 

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and for you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
You know their gonna learn
A whole lot more than I'll never know.
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.