My Bar Fight Team

During my day, I think of very important things. How I will get Evan into college, my aching hip, the environment (just kidding), and my ever growing and changing bar fight team. You may be on it. It's a list of people that I bring together in this head on my shoulders. They are the ones that I feel are best suited to fight a gang of Hell's Angels at a pool hall. I, of course, would never make the cut. I am not a fighter. I can hurt you with my words. Maybe. I am sitting at the bar watching my team kick some biker ass. I have witty people around me. They' re on my team, but in support roles, like those small people who run out on the football field to stretch the charlie cramps (as Isabelle says) out of the players' legs.

I don't put the Baton Rouge people and family on this list because that is a separate team. A special all star team that could take on any other team. The same goes for the Okeechobee people.

Tracy Miller is top of my list. He is there for his toughness, mental and physical, and his strong desire to stick a pitchfork in someone's chest. He also dreams of being terminally ill so he can go on a killing spree. **none of this is true about Tracy. He is a loving, gentle soul. Not a psychopath. He would never censor me either. Love that man.***

Michelle Filing. Waitress, pool shark, bad ass.

Isaac Morford. He is on the list because of his pure love of hurting people. Especially the young and weak. I have known kids say "you're breaking my arm," and he holds it a little longer. For fun.

Linda Latner, the Spaniard. Enough said. She curses like poetry.

Kameron Kicklighter. Do not under estimate my good hearted friend. He 1/3 Rottweiler. He crazy. I have seen him try with all his heart to put a spear through his brother's chest when they were younger. He snaps.

Cameron Yarbrough. My awesome friend who is a thug. Ganstalicious.

Travis Jolley. Big Daddy. My go to.

Jenn is there, but I keep her close to me. I may need to run for help, and she is there to hold off people while I do.

There are more. I'm sure I am forgetting some. Again, my list is a living, ever changing...thing. If you have any recruits you would like me to look at, I'm open. You see what I'm looking for. Honey's friend Naomi will one day be on the team. I've got my eye on her.

Happy Friday.

Running the Straights

Last night I went to the track with one of my favorite goddesses, Kelly. We walked and talked, and then "ran the Straights". The straights are the long straight part of the track. I usually run these in honor of someone. I like to dedicate my pain to my children, my husband, or some worthy cause. It's prayer. Sometimes in my straight for Evan, I sprint (!) from goal to goal simulating a touchdown that he will no doubt make. I have this little idea that God sees my 46 year old ass running for the people I love, and He may be amused or happy. My heart is as right as it can be in that one moment.

My Lyin Eyes

Trying to trust my senses. My eyes, my ears, my all knowing intuition. It is amazing and frightening and miraculous what I will believe. I learn by speaking or writing words. They are truth. This little post is for all the women, young or old, who completely throw their filter away for love or the chance to have it.

There is a common thread that runs through the people in my life that love me. They love goofy, needy, silly karen. They like to talk to me. It is wonderful. Both of my bosses are like this. My great friends from Baton Rouge. And there are friends here in Keystone that blow me away because they are interested in me. My dear bird, Robin, thanked someone recently for taking a few seconds to regard her. I get it. It is the most underrated, intoxicating, best thing in the world. To be heard and enjoyed. I don't take it for granted. It is how you love another human being. It's the primal way to give yourself away. Thank you to all the great people in my life that are sincerely interested in me. You save me. It is that big.

She is love

And when that world slows down, dear.
And when those stars burn out, here.
Oh she'll be there, yes she'll be there,
They call her love, love, love, love, love.


It's what gets me through the day. I wake up for it. I go to sleep hoping she will be here tomorrow. Love. It is the one true treasure that I want. The one possession worth running back in to the burning house for.

I wish I had the ability to love unconditionally. But I find that my love is full of terms, conditions, and fine print. I am so ashamed. When did I start that? I think I am too afraid. For good reasons, but still too much. So I will try harder. Try to let go of all the love killing pride and fear. Jump off the cliff and enjoy the ride down. With open arms and closed eyes.

Thursday

I think the meaning of life keeps changing. There is no one meaning. I think you have to find meaning in your day as you go along. Sometimes it's so obvious. Crying, hungry baby.  Kidney stone. Being "in love". Life just imposes meaning on us. I have trouble (imagine that) when I try to find the meaning and live for that. I want to be with this person, or I want to go here and live there. Not a good plan, because life does not respect or submit to my ideas of meaning. I am finding that I attract hardship. What the hell?

But it's ok. I'm not in a concentration camp or blind or making yak butter in Tibet.  That would suck. I am here. Now. There are the friends along the way that make it all bearable. Like skipping down the yellow brick road with the scarecrow. He is willing to let those flying monkeys stomp on him in order for me to get through that scary forest. Good friend. I hope I have been a friend like that. I think I have at some point.

So what is the meaning today? I will pray for Johnny Mason and our little BBQ restaurant. I will be a firefly today as best as I can to make people want to come back. I will enjoy the people that God gives me. I will overcome my sadness, because some things will never change. Evan said it best. "As long as we have some music and you have me, we will be fine."  You better believe it.

Scary stuff

Today I watched a documentary about horror movies on Netflix with Bradley. It was interesting to see what has scared us historically as a society. Sometimes it was the 'different" looking aliens, sometimes the unknown monster out in the woods, and the worst, the villain among us. Watching scary movies is a way to control our fears. It allows you to safely face demons and serial killers. Right in the safety of your home. With popcorn.

But it got me thinking about what scares me. My fears and the scary things lurking in this brain. I am afraid of the usuals...my kids going through pain or sadness. I am afraid of heights which includes bridges and roofs and anything above the 5th floor. I am afraid of snakes. I am afraid of Tracy Miller finding a better, younger, easier to live with Karen (facing that one on a daily). I am afraid of kids falling through bleachers. And deep water. Oh, and getting kicked in the chest by a horse. And cows.

Man, I am a freak. But on a braver note, I am not afraid to die, I think. I am not afraid to be alone, although I really, really like being with my Miller. Too much. I am not afraid of pain. And I am not afraid to stand up by myself and believe in something whether it is God, breastfeeding, or my hatred for immunizations. I am not afraid to love and hope. I will still give my heart away. As I have said before, courage is not the absence of fear, but what you do in its presence. Yeah, I'll give my heart away. :)

I am not sure which is better. Andrew's filming and editing or the play by Evan. Life is made of these things.

Shadows and Regrets

When we were only kids
And our time couldn't end
And how tall did we stand?
With the world in our hands

I can remember being young. I still hear those thoughts. I remember having no fear about what would come. Caution to the wind and screw the world. Thinking nothing could really stop me. Or break me. How wonderful to believe those things. We were moving to NYC and going to be hookers for just a little while. Just to get on our feet. Or we would stay together forever, have a family and all. Be happy. Or I would keep my promise to a baby in my arms. Like I had power. People had not died or lied or anything.

I have learned that if the universe wants to humble you, it only takes a couple of seconds. The more a person loves, the quicker they drop to their knees. It's the getting up that is the humiliating part. Brushing off the knees, clapping the dirt from your hands. Somebody saw you trip and fall. Bummer.

If you think about it, it's not very smart to trust people. You open up your coat like a flasher, and there is your heart. Why would anyone do that? But the alternative is guarded solitude. Never being known, for better or worse. Actually, I don't think I could know myself without showing someone else. How could you really see it? So, brushing off my knees today, squaring up. I am whatever I am. Powerless and determined not to let that stop me.

Sunday in September

I have been dreading today for quite some time. And I am here. Oh well.

It's feeling a little bit like southern fall here. That means breezy and in the 80's. This is my favorite time of year. Football, daylight savings time will make it dark early ( I love that), fires will make sense, open windows in the house and car, and that brilliant blue that the sky becomes. I have a picture over my bed that my Tracy Miller bought for me that is the view of looking up through fall trees to the sky. Nice.

I have good friends that listen to me, wine, and beautiful sunsets everyday. I love my job. I love my husband. I am learning how to be a good person everyday. I fail a lot. But tomorrow I will try again. I have hope which is not something I always had. I have walked in the dark with no hope, scratching the walls to find my way. I have been through lots of sad times. Death, mistreatment, and confusion. I have had 5 natural childbirths. I freak out sometimes, but honestly, I will be ok. I am such a "feeler". I feel like that guy from the Green Mile that felt the world's pain. He was relieved to go the electric chair. I am not that bad.

So, I will stock up on wine, exercise more, read, write, and grow. Stretch. I need to learn this lesson so God doesn't have to teach it to me again. Must focus.

So many last times...

Me and my Jenny Jenn Jenn. We are about to "run" the concession stand for our final time at a football game. We are sweaty, tired from working all day, and hoping we get a chance to talk. (we didn't). There is no better friend to spend my last year of Evan's highschool career with than my Jenn. Our boys are best friends and Jenn and I are equally fierce fans when it comes to them. My God, we have had so much fun. I only wish Kim and Miss Toni were there with us. The crew. Thank you, Tre Von for this lovely picture.

Life is good most of the time. I have a great job and an even better boss. My kids, including Rylee my stepson, are wonderful. They are funny and just good. I enjoy our nights together. Bedtime is always good because it's when we all get together in some one's room and talk and laugh. I will miss these days. I already don't have them with Bradley and Andrew. That is my fault, and I regret it. But life is what it is. I get to see them when I can, and I love every second when it happens.

I am 46 and don't know very much about myself. Or at least I get confused. I look forward to the day of knowing as I am known. Of being sure of things. Of just not struggling. I know that life is just that, but I am longing for sweetness. I miss my babies. Their smell and trust. The way it feels to simply give your whole life to another human, and it is worth it. I am made for that. I think. I miss having that kind of purpose. It was noble.

I hope that I can keep the good things in me. I think you have to use your gifts or they go away. Like muscles. I don't want my heart to atrophy.

 Getting a little bit of love is a funny thing. If you are not used to it, it wakes up a ferocious thirst. I think I have been parched for so long that I am now just so busy trying to soak up as much as I can. Not pretty. Too much me.

I am tired.

Nothing better.

Constellations


The light was leaving
In the west it was blue
The children's laughter sang
And skipping just like the stones they threw
Their voices echoed across the way
Its getting late


It was just another night
With a sunset
And a moonrise not so far behind
To give us just enough light
To lay down underneath the stars
Listen to papas translations
Of the stories across the sky
We drew our own constellations

Yesterday was difficult. But it's gone. I am pretty sure no permanent damage was done.

Today I'll try to be and think positively. I'll try to ignore people's attempts to get my proverbial goat. As Darrin used to say, just don't have a goat to get. So I am releasing my goat. There she goes, chewing some grass, trotting away. Her little hooves like high heel clicks.  She's such a nice little goat, really. She just likes to eat and sleep and play. But when provoked, she kicks. Please leave her alone. You know who you are.

Freakin Weekend

Friday night was Keystone's (Evan's) first game. We won 34-17 in spite of some dirtiness from the opposing team. Shame on you, #9. It was so much fun, and I could not be more proud of the hard work of our boys. Conditioning matters, and in the 4th, Hawthorne players were sucking wind and cramping. Our guys were still going.

Saturday was college game day. I made gumbo with the help of Evan, and we watched LSU beat Oregon. It was so much fun.

This week will be my last week of seeing Tracy a lot. He is on vacation and then starts his next job. Oh well....

Overall life is good. My kids are exceptional, and I am reminded of that often. I am happy with the qualities that I hammered in so many times. They don't think they are the center of the universe. It's good. Because nobody is. I like them.