Some things about me since it's my blog and all.

I am accomodating to the point of self deprivation.

I like Pinot Noir. A lot.

My imagination is not my friend. It is vivd and powerful.

I will tell a kid "no". I just usually don't want to, but "no" is there.

The world does not revolve around me.

I like money. I don't have any, but I love to shop and wear nice clothes. Sigh.

I prefer a bath to a shower any day.

I want to go to Toronto, Italy, England, NYC again, and anywhere with Tracy.

I am not crafty. I am bad at that. I like words. Books get me all excited.

I will not let you yell at me, call me names, bully me, or control me. You are not worth it. (That is hard for me to say.)

Oh well, that's all for now.

The things I do...

There a a lot of things that I dislike doing, but I can honestly say that they are enjoyable with Tracy. Example. We went to a freezing cold spring not long ago. I would NEVER get in that water for anyone, but he just looked at me, and said come on a few times, and...there I was in ice water. I have waded out in the lake fully dressed because he said with his hand and a smile, "c'mon".  I like to wake up at 4 or 5 or whatever time just to say good morning to him. To hear him say it back.

My hope for my kids is to have this one day. Wouldn't that be nice?

The Only Exception

Some songs say it better than I can...


When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You are what you eat (and do)

My actions reflect my heart.

 Whatever is in there comes forth from my mouth, hands, and feet. My sweet friend, Jenn, is driven pretty much crazy because I "love" everybody. We joke that I will say, "He murdered his family, but he has a good heart." Ok, his heart is bad. But I tend to give everyone quite a break. Maya Angelou said it best: When someone shows you who they are, believe her/him the first time. Oh, help me.

Don't tell me you love me. Show me. And I will, too. Have a perfect day!

My Boys of Fall



<>                                         Touchdown Harvey to Julius. Woohoo!!!

These are good days.

 


Love these boys.



September

Today is, according to my calendar, the first day of autumn. My favorite. I love this time of year, and it keeps getting better.

I am trying to be a better person all the time. Sometimes, I see me through someone else's eyes, and that helps. Sort of. I am so driven to make everyone near me happy. To create happiness and good times. My biggest fear for over 20 years was to hurt my children, and hence, make them unhappy. I'm not talking about a little anxiety. I am talking about paralyzing, keep me awake, change myself however I have to- fear. Not sure what that's all about, but I think I still do it. I guess I'm conditioned like Pavlov's dog, but I just don't know what I'm getting from it.It does make me drool, though, when the bell rings. I know selfless is good. I just need to figure this out. That's what is happening in this mind today.

Meanwhile, I will love my September. The breezes, football, baking, my Tracy Miller, good hair, all of it. I enjoy my kids so much. I think I am looking ahead to my nest changing and not liking it. Damn.

Mooney and other bad asses

Twists and Turns

Being judgmental is just never a good idea. You tend to find yourself in situations that you have looked down upon. I, of course, have done that before, and others have certainly done that to me. Good luck with that. I am in a place now of empathy. I recommend it.

I get to see Tracy everyday now. He is working locally, and I am spoiled beyond repair. I just cannot get enough. Happy day!

My kids are doing well in school and in general. I have two (three with Chelsea) in college, three in highschool (I am counting Rylee), and one in elementary. It's a dance keeping everyone going. I love it, but I look forward to my moments with my wonderful man.

There have been very sad times in my life that I have wondered aloud if this was all there is in this life. Now I am so happy that this is all there is. It's more than enough. I could not dream it up any better.

Wheels

Today is a milestone for me. I have gone from a really nice car, no car, a free gift of a car, and now one that is all mine. I am happy. It's a used Kia Sorrento. Yay!



Kimberly, me, and Jenny Jenn Jenn.



From the Inside Out

I miss my father sometimes. I do today. Not because I want him to take care of me. I just enjoyed him. But  not when I was a child. He struggled with depression and abusive tendencies my whole life. The holes that were carved out of me took years to understand and fill. But I understand it all now. He was imperfect, and I loved him. I am not afraid to say that he was abusive. He was. The truth doesn't dishonor people. It makes you free.

It has a lot to do with why I love the flaws in people so much. Well, maybe not the actual flaws, but the people that don't hide them. I will take the ugly truth any day over a facade. I don't need to change you. I prefer not to try that freaky trick. I'm not God. I will just love you or at least feel sorry for you (my strategy with annoying people). I have accepted that there are some that just do not care about me even though they claim to. It's OK. It's an eye opening kick to the stomach when you see it. I can remember several milestones throughout my life where I had those epiphanies. As a child, in my teens, through my adult years, even today. I am at peace. You don't have to love me. I love me, and that's enough. It really is just fine.

September 13th, YAY!!

One Year with my beautiful, perfect Tracy Miller. It honestly gets better everyday.

Love my Hot Fudge Sundae

Counting Blessings

I have so many good things in my life. Here are a few this morning....

Tracy. The most sensible, decent, loving, strong, bad ass, selfless, hot man I know. He makes me laugh and can calm me down. He reads me, people! I could look at him all day. I still can't believe dreams come true. This just doesn't happen. I will never take it for granted.

My children. They are wiser than so many adults I know. They are funny, balanced, and just great. I am blessed among women.

Johnny Mason and the complete entity of JBBQ. The man has saved my life on more than one occasion.

My fireplace. It's big. I can fit in it.

My God. I would be alone in the dark without him. A walking corpse. He seems to like me. It's all I can hope and ask for.

Football season. Thank you, God. A distraction from the mundane! A reason to yell and dance and make a fool of myself. Yay!!!

That's where it's at this Sunday morning. Happy day to all.

Listen

I have noticed that one of the most important human needs is the need to be heard. To be understood, regarded, validated. I have never met someone that did not want to just get their sentence out. Kids especially.

Abusers take this away early on, if not first. They have to dehumanize.

I have been regarded by some of the most unlikely people, and disregarded by some that just shouldn't. Oh well. Life is full of surprises. I will continue to deliberately empathize. I want to at least try to walk in the other shoes. It's what sums up my faith. If I can understand you, I can treat you how you need to be treated. I believe my kids are better for it. Love to all.