My name is Andrew Raphael Harvey. I'm Karen's second son and I'm 22 years old.
As much as I'd love to kick this off with joy, I can't. That would be inaccurate. I spent the last few years mastering the art of faking a smile and burying inner torment. I have been deceitful about who I am for too long. I do not intend to do that now as I write this. My mom asked me to summarize my year. Here it goes.
This was a year unlike any. It was a year of transition and restoration. A year to expose the deepest, darkest parts of myself. A year for sunlight to pierce through the blackness and burn my skin. And oh does it burn.
My 2013 began with a black dog. It's name was depression. It had been following me for a long time, though I didn't start noticing it until fall of 2012. It's nearly impossible to truly convey what depression does to a persons soul. If you had told me that last year, I may have replied "What soul?". Being alone meant anxiety attacks and fits of rage. My mind did not belong to me. It belonged to chaos. Being around others meant holding it all in until I was alone. My first taste of hope was simply in naming the black dog. I remember the day I decided to open up to someone about what I was suffering through. I allowed myself to speak honestly without thinking.
"I feel that I do not exist."
That is what came out of my mouth. That is the black dog. My mom replied, "Son, you are depressed." The first step in fixing a problem is knowing the problem. You cannot fix what you don't understand. I started researching, learning, and understanding depression. However, you can't entirely understand it without experiencing it. And in experiencing it, you learn that it never really goes away for good. You learn how to tame it. To be it's master and not it's slave. My 2013 began at the taming stage and the black dog wasn't going to submit without sinking its teeth into me a few more times.
I had worked at Johnny's BBQ for over a year. I was thankful to have this job. It helped pay our bills, I got to work with friends and family that cared about me. Johnny was without a doubt the ideal boss and is one of the most loving people I've ever met. Everything was great except for one minute detail… The job.
I hated what I did. This may come as a shock to you, but fast pace costumer service is not an ideal line of work for a depressed, introverted artist. Though I will say I was good at it due to my ability to bury my feelings and act however is most appealing to the people around me. Special thank you to my dear coworkers that listened to my negativity everyday during the ranch pouring hours. You know who you are.
An opportunity arose in april for a position as the full time worship leader of Community Church. Having been a part of the music ministry there for many years, I was a first choice. In 2012 I had quit. I wasn't so sure why at the time, though I made up some socially acceptable reason. When I was first offered the full time position, my immediate response was 'not a chance'. I realize now that the black dog was snapping at me. I learned from Steven Pressfield in his book 'The War of Art' that I was undergoing a very powerful 'resistance'. I decided to press through my polluted perception and give it some real consideration. The more I considered it, the more it became obvious that this was the direction I should go. Resistance is the best compass. I had experience, the pay was more than feasible, and ultimately I would get to freely and creatively worship God for a living. I would be a fool to pass up a job doing something that I love, and now I would be able to put more time and effort into it than ever. I put in my two weeks notice at Johnny's in May. As I pulled out of the parking lot after my last shift, I rolled down my windows and cranked the radio. It just so happened to be Creep by Radiohead.
"What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."
Now we descend deeper into the abyss that was myself. I was 14 when I was first exposed to pornography. Naturally I turned my innocent eyes from it. Each time it popped up from then on, looking away became a little less important. Pop ups became google searches. Accidents became Intentions. I ignored my hearts warning. By the time I was 16 I was completely addicted to pornography. I was dependent and powerless against it. It had me. It poisoned my mind for 6 years. On occasion I would fight it for weeks, but I couldn't stay away. Each time I failed I felt a little more worthless. Having always struggled with feelings of guilt, this was too much. I began to despise myself. I beat myself up over anything and everything. It was like my spirit was deteriorating. My wife knew it was something I once struggled with, but this year I knew it was time to get help or it would destroy my relationship with the love of my life. The first step was telling Chelsea I was addicted and that I was dishonest. The shame, guilt, and humility was unbearable when I told her. After a long conversation and a lot of tears, she forgave me. Instead of condemning me like I deserved, she showed compassion and forgiveness. She told me that she was not going anywhere and that we were going to beat this. I cannot tell you in words what Chelsea means to me. I love her more than anything and I thank God for her.
I wish I could say that I overcame the addiction in that moment. I did not. I fell into traps. Temptation still got the best of me. I failed many more times. But something was different. Honesty. I now had no secrets from Chelsea. When I failed, I told her and it hurt her, But she knew that i was hurting myself more than anyone. I told a few more people. These are people I trust and respect. I received compassion, wisdom, and some tough love. The devil works well with secrets. The more people I told, the stronger I became. The time between failures grew longer and longer, which made each failure worse. My addiction was coming to a head, but it fought back with ferocity. On July 15th, a man named Daniel came to our church and held a healing service. I suffered the week leading up to this night. With fresh guilt looming and the black dog dragging me around, I made my way to the church. I was in charge of running sound for Daniel and his band. Throughout the service, I just cried. I was in the sound booth so nobody could see except chelsea who was beside me. We both knew I needed a miracle. He opened the alter for healing and people lined up. I was supposed to man the soundboard, so I didn't go up. Chelsea kept urging me to, but I was hesitant. Once I could tell that we were getting close to the end, I could not stay seated any longer. I left the sound booth and went to the front. When Daniel finally placed his hand on my head, God spoke to me through him. I know it was God. He looked at me and said,
"You have got to stop beating yourself up. You've got to let go of this to be the Husband you're supposed to be, and one day the father you're supposed to be. You've got to let go of this once and for all."
I have been porn free since that night. Now as I write I've been free for 160 days and counting.
Just a little deeper now. My mom introduced us to an indian healer named Jamie who not only does facials but is a messenger for the spiritual realm. If you are skeptical, I get it. I was too until I got my facial. She told me things I was struggling with on a daily basis that I couldn't have even articulated myself. It was that specific. Gods ways are more mysterious than I thought. Without going into detail, she told me things that were very spiritually healing for me. My mom, brothers and sisters all had a similar experience. Jamie told us each what our spirit animals were. Mine was an Owl. This is a long story for another day, but owls and I go back to my childhood. They have always been drawn to me and I to them. That is when I knew God was involved.
Next month I got another facial. This time was a little different. She saw a vision of a bear that had a squirrel up a tree. The squirrel was terrified and could not come down. She said the bear represented the amount of fear. I told Jamie that the squirrel was my inner child.
A few days prior I was speaking with my mom and Chelsea about how I felt like a part of me was missing. I thought it may be my inner child. I felt unable to connect to that innocent part of myself. It was just gone and I didn't know how to access it. Well guess what. When I was a child I was obsessed with squirrels. A lot of my friends gave me the nick name "Squirrel" because I loved them so much. Perhaps it was my spirit animal when I was younger. Anyways, the vision was confirmation that my inner child was "afraid to come down". I also found it strange that the album I had finished writing earlier in the year was about a little boy that climbed a tree as an escape from reality. hmmm…
My mom knows everything, so she texted me and told me she thought it was the divorce. Great, she was right. My parents divorce destroyed me. I was part of a big, happy family and it fell apart in the blink of an eye. I could say a lot about it, but I won't. Life was so good before it happened. I remembered that the last house I felt true joy in was our house on Baja Court (we had moved from it before the divorce). I thought I had coped with the divorce, but I really just buried the pain like everything else. Then it dawned upon me. Little Andrew is still at that house. I left him there. But why? Upon further reflection and of course some tears I realized he had to stay there. All he knew was a pure, innocent, joyful life. He saw what was coming and, unable to bear it, he detached himself from me. He stayed behind because he could not endure the pain of his family splitting apart. He "climbed a tree" and stayed there.
Obviously I had to do something. I needed this long forgotten part of myself if I was ever going to feel whole again. I had to go to him. I had to go alone to a tree and climb to him. So the next day I did. I spoke out loud to him and told him what happened. Why he had to stay behind. Why he was so afraid to come down. He cried a lot. He was very angry and very sad. I told him it was okay to be. I prayed that God mend the gap between us. Between me and my inner child. He did. I climbed down with Little Andrew, connected again for good.
There are a few more important things that happened in 2013.
I stumbled upon the idea of mindfulness and started practicing meditation. Despite false assumptions, meditation is not just for the Buddhists and Hindus. It is universal. It is for the humans. It is self reflection and inner contemplation. It is practicing mindfulness and consciousness. It is finding balance in your spirit and body. It has been extremely beneficial to me and I recommend it.
One of my resolutions was to release my first album. I released two.
I played my first "secular" gig at a massage open house. It was small, but the experience was really good for me. I overcame a lot of fears about performing and exposing my art to the public.
I started writing my first novel, which is on my bucket list.
I became an uncle. My little sister Honey is pregnant, and though it has been a strange experience for our family, we are all very excited.
My wife and I celebrated 2 years of marriage!
I have been juicing every day since July 15 (The same day I broke my addiction). I have never felt healthier mentally and physically.
I have suffered from insomnia for a long time and depression makes it much worse. I had anxiety attacks almost every night and would have to wake Chelsea up.
I am finally starting to sleep full nights and get tired a little earlier. If I can't sleep, I use the waking hours to be creative instead of allowing anxiety to overpower me.
Throughout the year a small group of close friends started having regular wine nights. I cannot tell you how many times these nights saved me. They are some of my most cherished memories. These were nights that we were all free to say and do anything without judgement. They were nights to be fully human. To share pain, love, laughter, and tears. Chelsea, Johnny, Kilee, Carson, Morgan, I love you all so much.
2013 was painful, but so is restoration. I learned how to control depression. I defeated an addiction to pornography. I connected with my inner child. I'm learning how to maintain a sound mind through meditation. I have a job doing something I love to do and that I'm good at. There is so much more that I haven't mentioned. But here at the end of the year, I have embarked on a new journey.
Self love.
With all of these burdens lifted, I have to rediscover who Andrew is. I will learn to allow myself to be myself, whatever that is. In meditation, I found that the biggest fear I have is the fear of disapproval. I am terrified to be true to myself, because that gives people the opportunity to disapprove. A lot of people know my name in this small town of Keystone Heights, none of which know who I am. Not even my closest friends or family know who I am. I have hidden it too well. I act in whatever way seems the most acceptable to the people around me. I will be whoever you want me be if it means I am validated. As long as I have your approval, I will even become something I hate. This will be a long journey indeed. I set out to approve of myself and not depend on the approval of others. To love myself so that I may love others. If you cannot love yourself, how can you love your neighbor?
This year my life changed. I am becoming a better version of myself. I am unearthing the true essence of my being. I am waking up. I started the year in darkness. I can see the sun now. I have hope. I am being renewed.
Tonight before I started writing this, I was thinking in the shower about everything that has happened this year. No year has been like this one. I suddenly remembered a very subtle detail at the beginning of the year, in early January.
Our pastor preached a sermon about new years resolutions and promises we make for the year. He ended the message with this. He told us to forget the resolutions and the promises. He said,
"One word.
One word will come to your mind and it is there for a reason.
It is your word to remember throughout the year."
This sent a shiver down my spine under a hot shower. An unfamiliar feeling of self worth overwhelmed me when I remembered the word that came to my head that day at the beginning of 2013.
"Rise."
