The Love of a Cobra

I discovered a new show on Netflix. Well, it's new to me. It's about people that have exotic, deadly, predator pets that eventually kill them. It's called Fatal Attraction. It's frustrating enough to watch these people with their pet tigers, leopards, and cobras as they devote their lives to caring for them. There are moments of almost disdain in my living room where things are yelled out like, "She has to see that the crocodile has no feelings!", or "That guy is just a food source! The giant monitor lizard is going to eat him!" And then the lizard eats him, and we are all justified in our foresight. There are psychologists on hand for us. Explaining what is going on, helping us through these times. One guy says that these people have a need or condition in which they project human emotions on these animals. Like the lady that was already scalped by her leopard and explained that the look on the leopard's face was saying "Man I've done it now..." She allotted remorse to the leopard as he ate her. And then here comes the psychologist with the fact that these people usually need to love the unlovable. They need to transform something that is so bad and so unworthy in order to prove or fix there own plight. This would mean that they too are worthy of love. Damn.

I have my own pet tiger. I have been pretending that it loves me. That it is capable of love and remorse and that when it plays with me, it is saying that I am special. I have decided that when it does little tricks for me that we have a connection. I am thinking that I am more than a food source. I am important to my tiger. That he won't kill me if I stop bringing food. All my loved ones are shaking their heads. They see that I am the food thing to this beautiful predator. I am just compliant prey. I don't have the good sense to make it interesting and run.  And if I can just love this dangerous tiger enough, then I am wonderful. Lovable. Worth it. My, my, my.

 I am done with this. I like my chocolate lab. She is literally made of love.

Sad. Sorry.

I am reading a lot about trauma these days. Trauma in the sense of loss and grieving. Not the death of a loved one, but a loss of hope for my future with someone. Loss of innocent love and trust. Loss of all that I thought was real and all that I put into it. Another kind of death. I am always hoping that with enough understanding and knowledge I can perhaps lessen the painful effects of the losses I have experienced. And so it goes.

I used to look at the stages of grief as a map of sorts. Like some steps that you go through on your way to acceptance after a loss. While true, I never really looked at the stages as healthy in and of themselves. Like Denial. That just sounds like a bad idea. But I am learning that denial is actually the mind's way of dealing with traumatic loss. At first it's just too much to even admit. So our brains protect us from the reality. Then comes bargaining and anger. Each stage helps process the pain and bring it to its rightful place in our memories. Acceptance.

I have lost what I thought was my love. A friend told me recently that it takes five years to recover from the kind of heartbreak that I have been going through. I was not encouraged, but quickly started doing math. I have a solid three years of heartbreak under my belt as of today in this situation. So two more, and if I can learn quickly......please God. Maybe I can get out on parole for the merit of trying so hard to overcome. I know my friends are wondering why this has taken so long. Why am I still so sad? Honestly, nobody wonders more than I do. But here I am.

And so, I will keep trying. Everyday is a new chance to get up and get better. I will not give up. And I will get through these times.

Love

I love this song. The part that says "all of my affections, I give them all to you." Beautiful. I have struggled with love, being told that what it is not, actually is. I am not confused. And it can, in fact, be forever. This is love to me...


"Island Song - Lyrics"

Come along with me
To a town beside the sea
We can wander through the forest
And do so as we please

Come along with me
To a cliff under a tree
Where we'll gaze upon the water
As an everlasting dream

All of my affections
I give them all to you
Maybe by next summer
We won't have changed our tunes

I still want to be
In this town beside the sea
Making up new numbers
And living so merrily

All of my affections
I give them all to you
I'll be here for you always
And always be for you

Come along with me
To a town beside the sea
We can wander through the forest
And do so as we please
Living so merrily

My 2013

2013 is over. It is behind me. I am glad. I did the hard stuff this year. The inevitable work that had to be done. I felt like Gandalf when he thought he might escape the dwarf cave, and then he saw the giant fire demon. The look on his face. He knew that he would have to face it and either win, or die trying. But there was no other way. He jumped into hell. And happily, he did triumph with more power and better hair.

I began this 2013 with the extraction of my uterus, a massage license, and an ominous knowledge about my marriage. My divorce was finalized in April. I have no way of describing how that has felt for me without infringing on the privacy of others. I have learned the power of truth. And untruth. I have survived this war in my heart, but not without damage. It's ok. I am ok. I am home. I have two divorces under my belt. No one could be more broken about that. I always thought I was a forever girl. Oh well.

I began giving massage for a living. I have learned just a small bit about energy and love, intention and mindfulness. I have attempted to give to others when my heart was completely broken. It's not easy. But through it all I have grown to love my job. I love the process of healing people in a small or big way. I almost without exception get more out of giving a massage than I think my clients do. It is wonderful to make a living nurturing people. I am hopeful and happy about my future. I am proud of what I do.

In the midst of my turmoil, I met my dear friend Jami. Andrew and Chelsea mentioned her in their reviews. She is a Seer, Healer, and Facial Specialist. The things that she has told me have strengthened my faith in God, validated my bizarre pain, and given me hope in my inner Karen. I lost all trust in myself because I had to suppress so much. So she has been a huge part of helping me to listen to my intuition. I am not completely healed, and I may never be. I remember my ex mother in law Carolyn quit smoking once. She went years and then started again. When she quit the second time, she said there is a part of her that will always want to smoke. Like an ugly reminder of where she can go. I think maybe that will be me. I was so happy to be flying that I forgot my wings were made of wax. I had wings motha fucka!!! So I flew a little too close to the sun. They melted, and I crashed. Anyway, Jami told me that I was in transition. A butterfly. I have been changing for a while now, but I think I am almost done. It was August, and she told me that my sadness was so heavy, but the little boy in my life, my grandson, would bring the Light back and heal me. I said I did not have a little boy, but she said "He is here." Almost two weeks later, I walked in to my bedroom to see Honey and Chelsea crying. I knew Honey was pregnant. And I am thankful for the heads up.

And so, I am home, as I said. Our family feels like it is healed. I should not have gotten married the second time although I loved him with all my heart. It hurt me and hurt my children. But like Gandalf, we are stronger with access to a straightening iron. I have felt peace again. I have vision for our future. I have begun learning how to meditate, and I have been led home by a butterfly. And Andrew wrote a perfect song about that very thing. I have hope again. I am good, honest, and empathetic. I feel you.

Bradley, Andrew, Chelsea, Evan, Honey, and Isabelle. These are my lights. I know a lot of people that are not believers in God. And I respect them. But for me, it's like this: God will take care of us. But even if He doesn't, I still believe.

May 2014 be filled with wholeness and truth. With laughter and good food and music and some wine. With joy and BABIES!!! With good haircuts and long walks. I want to look at the stars more. I want to read and write and honor myself. Happy New Year. I am filled with love. Special thanks to Robin for her great love for me, My kids for watching me flounder and not judging me, Johnny "the king of catering" Mason for being there for my family, and Kandi, Missi, Carole, Zak, and Clyde for loving me. And for Nikki Beard for giving me a safe place to start my business. And my sweet and good mama. I love you.