My Heaven- Dedicated to Sally

It's warm there. Spring maybe, but probably fall, because I can hear the high school football drums. The days have vivid blue skies with the fluffy cumulus clouds, and the nights are clear and starry. Everyone is there. Even the people who don't deserve it. Especially them. Especially me. Please don't ask how old we all are, because I will think too much and freak out. I have an unnatural fear of eternity.

There are a lot of flowers. Wildflowers. Daisies, sweet peas, and honeysuckles. And Blackberries. Lots of blackberries.

I laugh a lot. People (you know who you are) make me laugh until my stomach hurts, and I can't breathe. You dance with me, play music for me, and play dodge ball for me. (I've had some wine, so bear with me.) It's practically a musical.

Speaking of wine, there is sangria there. We drink it in moderation, and eat the fruit at the bottom. Oh! And my pets are there. King, Gypsy, Roux, and the myriad of animals that I have accidentally killed. They forgive me. Even Brute the chihuahua. (another blog post: The Untimely Deaths of Some Unfortunate Animals that have Briefly Come into my Life.)

We eat a lot of granola and yogurt there. It's good, light, and we like it that way. I sit in Tracy's lap most of the time. His legs never cramp. He loves me. People are happy about that.

Everyone is kind, and empathetic, and nice to me and each other. My kids are the happiest. They are whole and content. They are bad asses in their own ways. That's true now.

We still sleep, because it's just so nice. There is no laundry. God smiles at us, and we smile back. Peace and goodness all day long. We lay in the grass at night and look at the stars. It's perfect. Butterflies and daisies.

Last night was nice. I got to be home. That is rare and very good. I actually get to be at home (at night) all this week. Zak and Ryan came to visit, and Honey, Isabelle, and I went for a bike ride, scooter ride, and run (respectively).

I started reading my book by Stephen King called On Writing. So far it's a memoir, and it is very funny. I laughed out loud when he said that the band that he plays in is sometimes called Raymond Burr's Legs (They are mostly the Rock Bottom Remainders). That is funny. I guess since I can't throw back a pint with my favorite and wonderful Frank McCourt (because he passed away last July), I need to go and hear this band. Something to shoot for. Maybe I can somehow tie Anne Lamott into this plan. The best part of it is that whatever little scheme I concoct, Tracy will be right there with me. Perfect world.

It's already Tuesday. My, how the week is flying! I will continue to wear Tracy's cologne in impatient anticipation of his return.

Mellow

This week is busy. It will be the last before spring break, which is good. Looks like it will be finally get warm in Florida. I'll be heading to the beach on Saturday. The remix song on my list is the cause of some serious dancing at my house. Have some fun. The youtube video is even better.

When lover's part you know the sky must cry
Write you love letters till my pen runs dry
If you stay, good lovin make me wanna fly
If you go, rise and fall-dip and dive
You who I'm with so i shine so bright
I love you darling till the day that i die.

Mellow Mood
G Love and Slghtly Stoopid

Middle week

These pictures are just good. They don't have any specific relevance except for that. The first is me and Andrew.
The next is us without Andrew.
The third is Cameron getting schooled on Warrior Cats. (When I heard Cameron say "Black Paw is my dawg! He played the whole village!", my love for him tripled.)
Next, a fool. I love him.
And last, Maw Maw Kay reading a "historical novel" with Bellie. A book about pirates, if you will.

As I get older, I realize I don't know nearly as much as I once thought I did. Or maybe I am just more open to suggestions. If the trend continues, I see myself sitting in a restaurant (much like JBBQ), and when asked what I would like to drink or what kind of salad dressing I would like, I just stare and think for a minute. The future looks confused and slow.

I do still know a few things. I know that life is like a college football stadium on game day. In each section, there is a jack ass. The key is to not be that jack ass. And stay far enough away so he can't spill his drink on you.

I know that there is always someone to love. I have cried many tears over good byes. I tend to let people into my heart. I mean, I let them really get in there. Some of you know this about me. I hurt myself with this trait. And then, the inevitable parting happens. But, as a dear friend once told me, there is always someone to love in the next place. Truest statement!

I know that God takes care of me. He actually seems to do more for me now that I am in the midst of a divorce. Who would have thought? Maybe I just see the small miracles because I am so desperate most of the time. That's ok. I am not sure, but I think God likes me. This is profound to me.

I know that life is complex, and love is the best part of it. I am talking about Tracy. Again. I just can't help it. He is so good. I mean really good. Beautiful in every way a man can be beautiful. He is mine. You cannot have him.

Life is about to change. I can feel it. Maybe it's the season, but things are shifting. I will bend. Love to you.

I am loving my little google "search this blog" button. I'm sure I'm the only one, but I am having fun with it. Also, my new "followers" gadget. You people are so good to come and read this.

So, Honey's bunny is pregnant. That is wonderful except for the fact that there are 2 rogue dogs showing up the last couple of days checking out the bunny cage. Roux, our fierce lab, alerted us to this at 6 am. When I opened the door she bolted out into the darkness. Bradley, from the couch and from his sleep, said that he would not have opened the door considering Roux's passionate bark moments before. He was right, but it was done. She did come back, proud, having patrolled the area. Good girl. Meanwhile, the bunny presses on with her gestation, hoping not to be yet another bad bunny story. Please, God.

Looking forward to the coming days.

Absence, fond hearts, and what not.

I miss the Sundae.

I am so impressed with men (I know a few) that are willing to travel ridiculous distances and spend practically all of their time in order to support and love their children. They are perfect and selfless, and I notice. Donna knows what I mean. So does Kim. So do a lot of people.

That all being said, I would really love a whole day with Tracy.

Have a lovely day everybody.

Why I blog (I think.) And Miller Beach....

Josh from Australia asked me why I blog. Hmmm. I hope it's not just the vanity.

The reason I named this blog "my porch" is from a reference in a moment in To Kill A Mockingbird. Scout is standing on the Radley's porch remembering what Atticus had said about not really knowing someone until you walk around in their skin for a while. Scout felt like the Radley porch was enough. It's about perspective. You could go to my first post and find that.

I remember reading a little book called Kingdom of Love a long time ago. Hannah Hurnard, the author, said God was like a huge mountain. It was impossible to stand at one point and take it all in. So people's interpretation of the mountain had a lot to do with where they were standing. Some people traveled around to see more of the mountain, and some are content with just knowing it's a big mountain with so much more than their perspective allows. Some believe theirs is the only view and so on.

I guess that's what this is about. My little perspective. My view of the mountain. It's so limited. But it's mine. I began this at a time when I thought I would disappear. It was my small way of fighting that.

Or I am in denial and vain enough to think I have something to say. Just kiddng.

Speaking of perspective, the view from Miller Beach was lovely today. Only the Sundae was not there.

Baja, circa 2002

Excuse my sloppy picture upload work. I'm not doing it again.

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Confucius

(the next morning) So true. Nothing like getting kicked in the butt by experience.

Yesterday was fun. Kam, Bradley, Charlie, Wynston, and I went to the old house at 6702 Baja Court. Not much has changed. We stood on the porch and looked out over the yard and loved the years spent there. The fire pit, my banana shrub (so big now!) the kitchen (through the window), the place on the porch where I was tricked into kissing a 13 year old (Zak has always had game, that one. Dear God.), the trees that they climbed during all the manhunts, and so much more. Miss Lorraine even came out with phone in hand ready to call 911 to rid her world of us. Just like the old days!

It's weird, because with every good memory, there is a bad one that I am reminded of. It's how my life was, I guess. The great with the sad. I will be happy when the sad doesn't pop up in this head of mine. It's the bitter experiences, but there is so much more. So much laughter. I don't know how, but hopefully the junk will just work its way out. Or just go away. Regardless, there is so much good.

I remember when we were little, we (Me, Kay Lynn, and Vance) were afraid of a thunderstorm one night. Daddy took care of it by putting his shotgun by the door and saying no thunder would get near us. We bought it. We were safe.

Daddy was always good for a late night perimeter check. I can remember the feeling of knowing that some thug was going to get shot. Actually, Daddy would have probably shot himself somehow. It would have been a great story.

I'm not sure why I think of these things. Probably because I feel safe now. I am safe to say, think, or do whatever I want. I get sad and can tell Tracy about it. It's so nice. I can even get jealous and tell him, and we can laugh about it. I am safe. I know my Dad is happy about this.

Come along...

Inside the Old State Capitol in Baton Rouge.

There are always a million thoughts running around in my head. Some worrying, some silliness, a lot of silliness, some wordless tears (it's just there), and so much more.

I am completely drawn to the idea of letting my hair just be gray, damn it. I am not a fan of masks, cosmetic or implied. I am just struggling with the idea of not being sexy. WTF? Why is that? That is not from me. It's from somewhere on the outside. I hate being subject to crap like that. It's the same with caffeine addiction. Something controlling me. Makes me squirm.

I had a funny conversation with Zak Davis yesterday. Zak always cracks me up. He is one of those kids that I have been friends with even though he was, I don't know,13. I would like to think that Zak's humor is just advanced, but it's probably the other way around. Regardless, I laugh. A good thing.

I am enjoying the new workers at JBBQ. We have 2 new Katie's and my Spaniard! That's right. I get paid to watch Linda Latner interact with people. I love her. She has been one of those steadfast friends that I can just be with and not talk, but she knows the whole thing. I will never forget the two of us continually going to her truck at Scott Kicklighter's birthday party for champagne, and then dancing in the driveway all night. Funny stuff. Linda has moves.

I am looking for my next tattoo. I have some ideas, but they are personal. I think the next one will be like that. I'm feeling like that these days. Undiminished and all that jazz.

Enough. I am still avoiding dishes and laundry, I still search for the perfect coffee cup, and I need sweetness everday. If the sweetness doesn't present itself, then I will find it, make it, whatever it takes.

Pink

She's just beautiful. And real. Her Grammy performance to Glitter in the Air is amazing. I would post it, but it would take forever. Youtube. (Pink Grammys 2010) You should. You called me sugar.....so nice.

Monday

I am learning to live in the moment. Yesterday was nice, but it's over, and tomorrow is kind of scary. So I will settle in to this very minute. That's it.

I have been with my Hot Fudge Sundae for 6 months now. I'm not sure why God waited until this point in my life to rock my world, but I am not complaining.

This week will be full of BBQ, baseball, and laundry. I am hoping for some progress in my "situation", but we shall see. I am tired on that front.

I miss my family in Baton Rouge. The other day at Johnny's, an older couple came in and said it was their first time to JBBQ. I asked where they were from, and they said Walker, LA. That is right down the road from my family. I was so happy to meet them. They want to bring me etouffe mix, and the man called the dock on their lake a pier. I thanked him for saying pier. Made my day. I bet his "john boat" is a Batou. I know it is.

Love to who is needing it.

Van Gogh, Almond Blossom, 1890

Finally Friday! I hope everyone has a great weekend. I will.

Islands in the Stream could be next....

Having a moment. Honestly, if I am quoting country songs, you know I have it bad. But it is so true! What have I come to?....oh well. I even put it on the playlist for the full emotional effect.

Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rollin' home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

Sweet Peas

To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness.

Built this city on Bar B Que

Theses are only some of the pictures that Sally captured. There are more, but my downloading skills are not that great apparently. Weclome to Johnny's. Life is good....
Mr. Ray probably rushing out the silverware for the cranky servers.
Another Johnny (he wishes so deeply that he were the actual King of Catering). He will most likely add mozz and pickles to his order in some way.
Morgan and the Wally (pronounced to rhyme with Sally) We love each other.
Tip makers. Some of the asses of Johnny's BBQ and Catering.
Young Chance and Kenny. Some of our thorough dishwashers. Chance and I have been known to share a piece of Blueberry Lattice pie on occasion.
Sally most likely trying to get me to do things the right way. Notice the authority in her hand pose. Her knuckles are white with restraint. This is classic.
I wish Johnny would get a more comfortable chair in his office for me to text Tracy more easily.
My Chelsea stirring the tea to perfection. It and ranch are the lifeblood of Keystone Heights. We must never forget that.
THE Chris of Chris Towing. He is getting his half and half before rescuing sad people like myself from their crappy vehicle fate.
Me and Tara. They didn't think I would post this one because of the wierd thing I am doing with my mouth. My security astounds me. I love Tara!
A little blurry, but here are some of the cooks. I have seen them in action. Do not mess with the lady on the right. That is our Cindy.
Donnie and Cara. Always a smile.
The two Chelseas. Nuff said.

There are more, but, again, I need assistance. More to come. Hopefully a shot of Dave, Kelly, amd the Icon himself.

Why?

I talked to my wonderful friend Carole the other day. Carole could only do more for the homeless and needy if God added some more hours to each day, and if she didn't sleep. I am constantly amazed at her devotion. Recently, she got the news that she will be able to be employed at one of the places that she serves. This is great. The thing that gets me is that in order to work there, the church that funds it is making her vow not to drink alcohol ever. Not even in her home. Not even a glass of wine with her husband. Seriously?

Why can't people resist the urge to control people? By making such a silly rule, they are saying that they (the church) have better judgement than Carole does. She evidently doesn't have a sound enough mind to drink in moderation. Maybe she'll embarrass them. I hope the way she dresses doesn't start to bring shame on them. Or her voice. When she dances, her hips tend to move. This could be a problem, too. What if she over eats?

Please don't tell me that this rule is a good idea. It's an insult. If Carole doesn't have enough sense to not to get sloshed in public, then why are they so willing to use up her entire day to further their causes? Why is she morally fit to work tirelessly for no money (which is fine), but she can't make the decision to sit at her table and have a glass of wine at the end of a long day of working for the poor?

I know what the arguments are. She's supposed to be above reproach. But to whom? The homeless man sleeping under the overpass? I assure you, she's above reproach to him. No, it's the well dressed, well fed onlookers that may have the problem with her character if she drinks. And what if one of those onlookers are generous givers to the church? This should not surprise me, and it doesn't. History constantly repeats itself. This may offend some, but superior minds and corporate church offend me. A toast to Carole! (clink!)

I am amused.

I think it is very important to focus on the good things. There is so much to worry about or be sad about. If I can't think of anything to be happy about, I create or cause or instigate something. These happy things are in no particular order, but they get me through the day:

The thought of holding any of my 5 newborns. To this day, I think I can lactate if I just look long enough at a 2 week old. And that little lamb cry! Gets me every time.

September 13th when Tracy Miller succumbed to my relentless charms. He let me touch his chin. Now I need to keep him. He has somehow stayed around through the winter with these ice cubes that I walk around on called feet. Bathing suit season is right around the corner. I got this. Godspeed to me.

Kay Lynn's and Chris's wedding/dance fest. I will never forget Ashley's walkin' it out. Or looking over and seeing Kay Lynn in her formal bridal gown being held upside down over the keg.

The 07 UF/LSU road trip to Baton Rouge. I still laugh at Pony Boy's heckling of innocent people just trying to get to their cars. And Jacob Hester. The man.

Anything to do with Cooperstown. The best people in the world. Best times. No one can touch it. I am still bitter about the loss to the Dirtbags. (That was really the team name.)

When my boys painted L, S, and U on their respective chests and we went to Gainesville for the game. I remember Evan getting yelled at by a fraternity (huge crowd of drunk people) and Evan, solo, doing such a vulgar dance for them. Clyde leaned over and said that he hoped Evan could one day come out of his shell....

When Kameron Kick dances. Somebody is going to get hurt. Also, when Kam rounded the corner when he was about 14 and captured me shaving under my arms. Time stood still. Somewhere in the distance a dog barked... Actually, I could create an entire post of the awkward moments in my house when people see me, and I see them. You never really know who is in the shower at my house.

There are COUNTLESS more. Coming soon: Visual tour of Johnny's BBQ. You won't want to miss this one. I love you!

I am looking forward to finding a patch of clovers and searching. Spring is so close.

Life is interesting and difficult and funny. To me, it's about love and beauty and joy and sadness being understood. My life consists of the people I am with everyday, and the people I love and can't be with. It's about having thoughts that someone wants to know about. It's about driving in my pajamas and needing to dye my hair. I hate dying my hair. It's about doing laundry and dancing in my kitchen. Drinking wine and listening to Journey, if you will, Dean! Have a good day and life. I am trying.

A little fun...

It is too cold in Florida for it to be March. I am ready to go to the beach.

I am happy these days. Many know that Tracy is the Hot Fudge Sundae. Always has been. The reason for this is that he is nothing but pleasure. Lovely enough to just look at. Dessert. But I wonder what the father of the Hot Fudge would be? The Daddy of Desserts. I will ponder this...