I hope today is good. I hope I am not discouraged and confused. I hope I laugh. I hope that I can find answers for my kids. I hope Honey's Mohawk stands tall. I hope I can find my way. I hope somebody like me or even poorer wins the lottery.

January Summer

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I started my day with coffee and the Canadian. Then Honey, Isabelle, and I went to Whole Foods and then to Jax Beach to visit our good friend Zak. It was a freak warm day in January, and we got to walk around on the beach with our white winter bodies in our bathing suits. If you know Zak, you know the conversation was lovely since he is a thinker and a searcher. We are not sure if we are really here at all, or if it's just a dream. I leaned heavily to the previous. I just really think I'm here since I would hopefully dream up more money and less sadness. And bigger boobs. And straighter hair. Also, one of my tests for all philosophical and religious beliefs is that it has to work for the mother in Africa with a starving child, and a homeless guy in New Orleans, a restaurant owner in China, and me. God's not American. (but He probably doesn't hate America either.)  But who knows? One of my favorite Anne Lamott quotes is "you have successfully created God in your own image when He hates all the same people you hate." Anyway....We ate Cuban subs at Angie's Grom, and then went to a farmer's market. I loved being with my girls and having even the money for gas to have a fun day with them. It is rare, and I loved it. I liked Neptune Beach a lot. This is reading like a "What I did last Summer?"

I am drinking coffee again and looking forward to another day. Roux is lying on a blanket on the floor next to me, and every now and then she sighs. I am comfortable with the thought that I am here, and that there is a design. I don't always know the pleasure or reasons behind my universe, but it's ok. My children never knew my reasons either. They just lived and learned and played. And they were so completely loved. That's how I think it is with God. I get very discouraged with life because I want certain things. Things that make me feel good. But they tend to depend on the actions of others. And that has kind of sucked in my little life. I know I am the constant in this thing, so I will try to break that cycle of being drawn to things that will let me down. It's very hard to change what I believe is chemistry. It's the actual cells that together form Karen. They seem to cry out for this crap. They want caffeine and unavailable love. I am hijacked by them, but I am hoping juicing will help. My cells are little bitches.

 But knowledge is power like Schoolhouse Rock taught me so many years ago. And a bill is just a bill sitting on Capitol Hill. And the function of a conjunction is hookin' up words and phrases and clauses. That is Truth!

resumes and epitaphs

Yesterday I had the day off so I went to Gainesville to do things I had been putting off. I decided to swing by the School of Massage to buy some lube and hug people. I got to hug a few people, and I was just flooded with good vibrations, man. Really, such love. And the lube I like was on sale. Providence.

It's felt like a slow time recovering from the surgery, but its only been 3 1/2 weeks. I guess I am a little impatient when it comes to things like convalescence. I have enjoyed some Sex and the City and a little bit of Gossip Girl. Loving Mad Men. I am walking a few times a week with Robin, and I am definitely walking and moving at JBBQ. I am starting to feel almost pretty again. Like an older woman kind of  pretty. I am ready to promote myself somehow as far as massage goes. Not real sure of the direction of that one. I am working on my resume.

A resume can be a funny thing. It's a one page summary of your skills, education, and qualities. It can feel a little scant. At least mine does. How do I convey what I am? That I have some really good stories, and I will make sure all around me are working and feeling good? That I care about everyone a little too much, and I like to make dirty jokes? That I have some common sense, and it goes a long way? I just put the usual team player, excellent communicator, and great customer service skills.
It's like writing an epitaph that could go on any headstone. I hate it. That gives me an idea. I need to write my epitaph. Or better, I need to get my kids to. I am on that.

I hope to soon be out of this writing drought. Until then...