Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

There are a lot of good things that happened this year. Evan graduated from high school, I went to school and got my massage therapy license, Honey loves me again, I lost my guilt, and I moved out and into my own home with Bradley as my accomplice. But like I have said, it was a year of sadness, of lost hope, of rejection and confusion. It has been exhausting. I am so glad it has a name. 2012.

 I am finished with you, 2012.

So when asked about my resolution for 2013, I have a few. I am determined to see the world through healthy eyes. To evaluate my self with love and acceptance and awareness. I am hopeful that I can be at least on the road to being whole and smart and good and, well, holy. Holy to me will be living with no guilt, no regret, no ignoring my small voice that says this is good and this is bad. My Jiminy Cricket. I will have expectations and hope. I will.

I want to listen to love songs. I want to juice carrots and apples and take care of my body. I want to run and ride a bike and do my yoga. I want to pray more and learn to meditate the way that is right for me. I want to not live in fear of being lied to. I want to read again. Everyday. I will change these patterns, these cycles. I will howl at the moon. Well no. I will more likely look at the stars and put my hand on my heart and cry.

I will be present in this moment. Right here, right now, with you.

Happiest of New Years. Come quickly, 2013. Sweep me off my feet.

“If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” Bob Marley

I had surgery, and Christmas has come and gone. I have had what I consider to be a hard time with recovery. I guess I thought I would jump up and be fine. Ha! I am addicted to caffeine, I am terrible with anesthesia, and I really hate drugs. I faced all these things this last week. But here I am.

I am tired. I have lots of things on my mind, but not the energy to type them right now. I will. Love you all. I really do. Good Night.

12/13

I have found the secret of running the drive thru on a busy night at JBBQ. It's Monster energy drinks. I was on fire last night.

The countdown to my surgery is underway. Dave noted that without my uterus I will have a full moustache in 6 months. Although not completely accurate, it did give me pause. Tracy will dump me for sure, but I can be quite an attraction. The bearded massage lady. I don't know. I am going to mention it to Dr. Tyler....

Yesterday marked my beautiful Mama's birthday and sadly my Daddy's passing away. It's been 71 years and 10 respectively. I worked a double yesterday. I focused on the present and little miracles happened. It was a good day.

That's all for now. Going back to the BBQ. I love the people I get to work with. Last night I bummed a cigarette off of one of the girls. I felt a little masochistic and thought it would be better than cutting myself. I was right! I got through half of it and remembered why I don't smoke. It smells bad and makes me cough. So I took a bath with a drink and went to bed.

The end.

2012 (to be followed by, you guessed it...)

I guess for me the surest and truest way to know that I am found is to first see that I was lost. Maybe found is not the right word, because it implies another person or entity discovered me, and is perhaps guiding me or leading me out of some place. No. I am not found. I am finding my way. Myself. No offense to my God. He seems to be watching from a distance like a parent letting a child swim across the pool without floaties. He will let me get some water up my nose, but He won't let me drown. I am noticing some familiar trees and bushes on the trail. I am noticing which way the sun is traveling through sky, and so I know which way is west. That is 2012.

I have worked my ass off at a part time job, gone to school, and raised children and loved them with the fractured soul that I have been. I have cried more than is healthy and have seen the outer edge of my limits. I have flirted with insanity at a few moments, but I don't like her. She's a fickle mistress. A bitch. But I am not diminished. She taught me that. I am not sorry for flipping over the table. Sometimes it's necessary.

I have left it all on the field. I have given all I had this lovely year. I have had the beautiful pleasure of listening to a poised speech by Evan in front of hundreds of people.. I have listened to the creative genius of Andrew, and have rejoiced over his sweet Chelsea. I have looked upon the artistic ability of Honey with awe and tears. I have seen the heart of Isabelle, and I am here for her. I have been saved by Bradley. I have noticed with awe that my guilt is gone. The unrelenting, merciless rock that was on my back. The one that told me that I had irreparably damaged the hearts and minds of my kids. The one that said I let them down with no hope of recovery. It's gone. GONE!!!! It happened in October. I have aged. My face is different. My heart will never be the same. I am just Karen Marie.

My love has been given. Without reserve. I have loved in 2012. I am not ashamed. I am ready to move on. I am doing just that. God, please help me. And even if it doesn't look like You are, I still believe.

(from This Years Love, David Gray)

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on?

In Utero

On December 18th, I get to have my uterus removed. As an awesome friend of mine said, I am having a vasectomy. Yes. Yes I am.

People who know and care about me immediately realized the significance. My uterus. It may as well be my heart. As Bradley said, it has housed all of them. It has been the warm safe place for all of my kids to be formed and come into this crazy world. It has been the expression of motherhood and being a woman for a long great time. I am alpha uterus. For a little while longer.

It makes me think of the passing of time and things. The flow of life that never stops. I will put it behind me and mourn a little bit for the good. I do that. I will give it it's fair due. I have realized that my life has been about me holding so many things together in my own warm safe karen place. I seem to have created what I want, and then I solely have to keep it going. I have to nurture it and do everthing required to keep up the illusion. I have done this in marriage and love and life. I will put that away, too. I am way too willing to carry it all in the hope that it will be reciprocated. It doesn't work that way for me. I just end up desperately and frantically being the driving force in all things love. I hope I can get away from that. My heart is broken. Changed.

So 2013 is coming, and I will write my summary of it. Of Her. I will be honest so I can remember. I will put it all in words so it will be truth that I can't deny.

The future is unsure, but I will choose to imagine it to be shiny. Free, prosperous, and maybe I will learn about love. I hope so.

My Massage Therapy group!

I am waiting for my massage license these days. I am looking forward to this new beginning.

I think that the purest and best love is the kind you have in 8th grade. The rest is just disappointing. I am hoping that life opens up and shows me some truth, love, and at least a good time. I am coming out of a dark tunnel, but the light is definitely right there.

Heart Guy

Once upon a time, there was a Super Hero. He was tall, chiseled, the most beautiful of all men. Do you understand? I am talking fucking gorgeous. Anyway, he was super. He was admired by so many. Young men wanted to be him, women just wanted him. And how could they not? Like all Heroes though, he had a flaw. A defect, if you will. You see, he had no heart. Not everyone knew this because on his anatomically correct unitard there was a red heart sewn on the front of his chest. He had seen that on TV. It suggested that underneath there was one. It was clever and fooled many. Most people want a heart to be there, so they will believe just about anything.

The problem with flaws is that they need compensation. They have to be dealt with. And so it was with our Hot Hero. Since he had no heart, the only way he could maintain his power was to consume the hearts of others. Yep. He ate them. It was a necessary evil since he had no intention of growing his own. That was too much work. And so it was....he would woo admirers close with his charm and SNATCH!! There went their hearts. He purposely chose people with big, juicy hearts. the ones that were unguarded and ripe.  People that kind of deserved it in his mind. It was easier. And tasty. Until one day....

He met a woman. Well, she was a strange combination of a woman and a child, and he liked it. More importantly, she had the biggest heart he had ever seen. Her heart was so big that it hurt her to carry it around all day. She would often speak of it and that it was so full of love that surely it would overflow. But it never did. She would just think of people, and it would grow. And when she saw our Hero, well....KAPOW!! My normal heart hurts just thinking about it. All she could think of was how she could love this hero, and all he could see was that delicious heart.

This story does not end well. Yes, he ate her heart, but because it was so big, he got to feed on it for a long, long time. It was slow and painful for her, but he couldn't help himself and neither could she.  Toward the end she would drive over to him and offer the tiny fragments of what was left. He would eat it, of course, but would waste it, leaving it to rot. A gluttonous scene, bloody and fleshy, he would eat only the middle part of the bite.  So he ate each time she would offer it. And she kept giving except for one small seed she managed to keep hidden. Slowly she grew her heart back. It was never so big and so grand, but it would still ache with love. Even for the Hero. She could see him now. His unitard had holes, he was not quite so stunning. Her new heart could see through the lie. And so it goes.

The moral: People are not always like you. They do things for different reasons. Sometimes you will give and someone will be more than happy to just take.  Keep loving. That is the answer.

No words. So pretty.

Gratitude

My favorite time of year! Thanksgiving, the Horn of Plenty, Cornucopia and all that jazz. I love it. I will say what I am thankful for in no particular order of importance or delight.

I am thankful for what is left of my mind. I am still sharp. I see things and have intuition. I can still tell when I am being lied to. (Lies try to hide, but they just can't help themselves. They are like children hiding behind the couch. It's no fun unless they are revealed. That's another blog.). I can write a clever story right now, or I can laugh with you, at you, and at myself. I know some shit.

Which brings me to my heart. I am thankful for that. It's been through the meat grinder, but like all matter, it still exists no matter the form. Solid, liquid, vapor, who cares? It's still here and beating and loving.

My kids. Well, they aren't kids. They are my family. My support, my reason. My joy. My tangible evidence that God sees me and likes me.

Johnny Mason. My friend for life. The King of Catering. The Elvis of Keystone. The George Baily of our time. A follower of this blog for some reason. A good, good soul. And behind the greatness...Valerie. These people are angels in my life.

My friends. The people that are in my universe. They float in my solar system, not around me like I would have it, but about me, here and there. They make life the awesome, whimsical, meaningful journey that it is. There are too many to name. I am in great company.

For Tracy. I have learned a lot about me with him and because of him.

The stars on cool nights. Football and gumbo. Pinot Noir. Sex. Music and beauty.

Thank You for life. I am talking to God now. I know it's hip to not believe in You, but I do. I believe the whole thing. You are my crutch. My non-intellectual faith in something I can't see or feel. You are my hope that this is not just for nothing. That eternity is not the freaky, too permanent thing that I imagine. You refuse to make sense to us. That's kind of funny. I have no idea why we are here, living here, doing this stuff. I don't get it, but I will continue to do it. I will try to learn today my lesson so I don't have to learn it the next day. I will try to be someone who trusts even though people are douches. I will try to live up to the heart in my chest that you have issued to me. I hope I am one of your good ones. Thanks again.

Today I will try to be satisfied with reality. Not what I want or think I need. Not what I never really had to begin with. Just what is in front of me. The truth. I want that. I will only see the things that are happening. Not what is said or what I wish so desperately. I just want to be honest and live in that. That's all.

My truth is that I am loved. I love a lot of people as well. I am afraid and kind of poor. I am sort of pretty sometimes, but I am getting old and that is fading. I am not as healthy as I want to be. I will be. I am sad but I can't live like that. I am different because of it. More holes in my heart.

 I want to feel God looking at me again.

Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

Finally

I graduated from Florida School of Massage and Magic on Friday. So relieved. Instead of trying to say something new and unique, I'll post my speech that I read at the ceremony. I could of course elaborate on each point, but you will get it. It's all about love, I am different, and the school and teachers are over the top. Loved it. I am lucky.

 
My name is Karen Miller. To all of the students, staff, instructors, and family and friends: Welcome to our graduation. As some here know, I am a mother of 5 people. That is not counting my stepchildren or the others that I consider to belong to me as well. There is a truth that I have claimed when it comes to parenting. Good people don’t happen by accident. They don’t spring up like wildflowers. Deliberate action and effort is required, much pondering and thought, and the ability to see each one as an individual human being with unique needs and minds. If they don’t get these things, they can still be wonderful. It will only be a more difficult road perhaps. At least I imagine that. So when I see these beliefs being implemented, I notice it and appreciate it. I see it here. At this school. From the first day of school until now, I have experienced the mapped out love and concern that I am talking about. I can try to describe it as deliberate spontaneity. Tolerant structure. Guided freedom. Uninhibited acceptance. I have been in awe of being in an atmosphere of unconditional love and space for six months.

I am ruined forever.

 I will never settle for less again. It’s the fault of the instructors. They did this to me. You know who you are. And so it goes…we came to learn massage and not only learned it from probably the most lauded school in the country, but we also are changed. We are better I think. I won’t begin to try to name the names of our instructors. They are all amazing and if I forgot someone, it would haunt me forever. You will just have to trust me in saying that they are all in harmony of an excellent vision. I have been struck so many times at the over qualification and brilliancy of these people. They taught us so patiently and with expert ease. And we were so sleepy. But somehow we have retained the idea that we can change our own world. And we will. I imagine that we are all very grateful to all of you for the respect and forbearance and diligence with which you have taught us what you know. Similar to that kid on the movie the Sixth Sense, where he saw dead people, I now see crooked people. Everywhere. And not only do I want to touch them, I see your faces. I hope I can do justice to what you are and will continue to be. You are great examples. I love you all. Thank you with all my heart.

　
.

Ben Harper saying things

"Forever"

Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do From you

People spend so much time
Every single day
Runnin' 'round all over town
Givin' their forever away
But no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

Like a handless clock with numbers
An infinite of time
No not the forever found
Only in the mind
Forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

I am sad.

Body armor and life

I am learning some things about Body Armoring. It's a very old theory from a man named Wilhelm Reich. He was a branch from Freud and has some theories on Psychotherapy, character analysis, development, and yes, body armor. It's about our ways of compensating for needs not met or trauma at different stages of our lives. Things and patterns that we create subconsciously to protect our hearts and minds or to react to trauma. It's not an active reaction but more an energetic and spiritual one. We hold these things within our bodies and can release them through touch and therapy. It's interesting.

I am not doing it justice. But I do see the truth in it not only from just reading it but experiencing it in myself and others. We are so much more than what we know.

So I will embark on something new. Not new at all really. Something old, but maybe these truths will bring me closer to where I am going. Where God is taking me. There are people that I love that have patterns that are not useful anymore. The patterns are actually debilitating and destructive. That's the point of it. We sometimes need the armor, but we tend to never let it go and hold it way beyond its use. It's like having your fists up 20 years after you were mugged. It's time to relax. Your fists are getting in the way of hugging someone. Or receiving hugs. If you get attacked again, you will have them. But everybody is not a mugger. Or an abuser. Or a __________. Not everyone is going to die in some shocking way. Or not love me.  I am ready to move on.

I am almost finished with school, and it feels like I am in labor. I am in such need of money but in such lack of time. In less than 3 weeks it will all change. I won't have to mete out the neglect so evenly. My prayer is simply "help me".

I am learning that muscle pain or any body pain is our friend. It's our warning to stop doing a particuliar behavior or you will be injured. Injury is bad. The pain is the only way our body can communicate with us. It reminds me of a newborn baby. They only have one way to say "I need something." It's yelling. A little alarm. It's not crying. Crying has to do with sadness of needs not met. If you let a baby yell long enough, the yells will become crying. And then you are a jerk.


It's not all bad. Love saves me. It saves us all. I am saved by giving it and receiving it. By just finding it in places that are right in front of me. I am strangely looking forward to the rest of my life even though I see wrinkles in my face, I am tired, and I have no idea where I am going. But I will go somewhere. I can promise that.

Have a good day whoever you are. I hope you are faithful to the people that are putting their trust in you. I hope you aren't letting babies cry. Make it your business not to.

Beautiful.

October

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Something to look forward to.

I am almost finished with school and will hopefully take my State Board Exam this month. I am looking forward to seeing where it all leads. I enjoy the therapeutic quality of massage. It is valuable and makes me feel like I am helping people. I like that.

I have learned some things about me while at school that seemingly have nothing to do with massage. I apologize. A lot. I am always ready to concede and be small. I do that. I am very weary of being invisible. It's not good for me. My daughters are watching.

I hope I can be happy one day. I hope I can find the secret. I am so far from that. I'm tired.

Oh well. I am going to work. I love my JBBQ. That has been the reliable and true part of my life for a long time now. Thank you, Masons. I am blessed.

Getting Brittany

It's October which is one of my favorite months of the year. It will whisk by while I finish school, work, and arrange my house.

There are some things I will never speak of in a public forum like this. I am torn because as a "writer", I want to maintain integrity and not censor myself. This has become my little history. My chronicle of life since 2006. So I will just look back and remember this time of blog silence. I will know what was happening inside of me. I'll remember.

Today is the day I am putting myself away for as long as the hair dye holds up. I want to look in the mirror and not see this devastated person. She's always walking around with her broken heart in her hands, trying to put it back together while it slips out through her fingers like liver. It's too desperate. She needs to go to sleep. So, in the spirit of emotional breakdowns everywhere, I will cut my hair today, dye it dark, and throw some purple in it. I will wear a lot of eyeliner and some lipstick. It won't change the inside, but at least it will divert my attention. And that's the best I can do.

Happy Birthday to my Bradley. I hope to one day be as smart as you. I would settle for so much less. I love you.

Lovely

Fields Of Gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold

I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold

September 13th

I love fall more than spring. It's the football, the new cool snap in the air, the way the stars look all brilliant, the leaves that eventually will change, the decrease in humidity resulting in awesome hair, the change...the promise of change.

I am 47 as most of you know. I am changing. Growing. I actually can sense a renaissance on the horizon. I like horizons. I hope to never be "set in my ways." Maybe that is haughty or judgemental. I guess some ways are good to be set in. I just want to live in a way that makes everyday seem like a good sigh. Like I used my mind and thought some thoughts that were worth thinking. Like I looked at somebody and really saw them. Like I was seen. I have crossed over to the realm where sexy young models, while lovely, don't affect me. I don't need to buy sex in the form of shampoo or gum. I still want sexiness, but I think I have changed my definition. It definitely resides between the ears as I've heard it said. I get it. Please don't confuse sexy with sex. Sex is very good. Me likey.

I don't like getting old, but there is a thread, no a cord, of peace that is running through my heart. I am ok. I will be ok. I like it.

Today I have been with my Tracy Miller for 3 years. It feels like a lot more than that. Not because of some sort of suffering, but because I have loved him all my life. He is that for me, and whatever happens in the future, he is the one. He was the one I dreamed of in the form of little girl fantasies, and he will be the one that I look back on and think that I was lucky enough to love like that.  It's all good and part of this tiny process of life. Happy Anniversary to the Hot Fudge. Nice to look at and crave, but better to taste.

Crying endures for a night...Joy comes in the morning.

my starry night

Today in school, we got to go somewhere we wanted to go through indirect cues. It was an exercise in guiding someone without suggesting or directing their experience. I loved my place so much. I thought I would write it so I would not forget.

I am lying on a blanket under the stars. The sky is clear and brilliant like in November. It's cool, but I am warm. I am lying with my arms open. The most significant aspect of the starry sky is its vastness. And my smallness. I am lying there in front of the universe. I am nothing and everything. There is no sound. Just perfect, cool silence. No smells except maybe smoke from a fire far away.

I don't know if I am alone or not. The exercise ended before I got there.

I will do this soon.

JU

Today Evan moved in to the dorm at JU. I truly want to thank the people that care about me. You all know me and see me and it makes life so much better. This is not easy for me. With each child that leaves, a literal part of my heart goes, too. I cannot explain it, but it hurts. I am so happy for my son. He is going to fly. But they don't come back when they leave, and it is a milestone. That's all I can say right now. Can't wait until football, the fall, and moving on in this life. Cheers to love, and being loved by so many. Clink!

In the Colors

The older I get, the more I realize that I don't know shit. Or maybe I'm just forgetting things. It's all the same feeling really. Not knowing. I am reminded time and again that I should put my trust in my own heart and mind, and look to God for some kind of survival.

 

In the meantime, I find joy in the people I love. I love this song.

 

In The Colors (Ben Harper)

 

When your whole world is shaken from all the risks we have taken
Dance with me, dance with me into the colors of the dusk

When you have awoken from all the dreams broken
Come and dance with me, dance with me into the colors of the dusk
Dance with me in the colors of the dusk

The paths we're walking on, they crumble behind us
But if we leave now, they will never find us
And if this crazy world spins itself down to dust, I want to be with you in the colors

When you again start hoping with your arms wide open
Come on, dance with me, dance with me into the colors of the dusk
And all will be right, dancing like water with the light
Dance with me, won't you dance with me into the colors of the dusk?

LSU's Live Tiger Mascot, Mike VI

LSU's Live Tiger Mascot, Mike VI

"Happiness" The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home

My Roomie Nest

Somebody said all the world's a stage,
And each of us is a player.
That's what I've been tryin to tell you.
In Act 1, I was struggling to survive.
Nobody wanted my action dead or alive.
Act 2, I hit the big time.
And bodies be all up on my behind.
And I can't help myself because I was born to shine.
 If you don't like it, you can shove it.
But you don't like it, you love it.
So I'll be up here in a rage,
'Til they bring the curtain down on the stage.
(from Weezer, Greatest Man that Ever Lived)

Evan Louque. I do these tributes every so often. Evan is about to move out and go to college. I hate this crap.

I am so proud of my son. He is a good person. He has remained true to himself through high school. He is the only one of my 5 that did not go through the little smart ass stage. I think he was too tired. Andrew and I have both observed that so much of our family history has been watching Evan play ball. Either driving there, eating while they warmed up, staying in hotels. It has been such a joy.

But there is so much more to my son than sports. He likes to dance. He can move. He likes to play songs that will make me "come out" of where ever I am and dance. He doesn't lie to me. Ever. People may not understand that one. But he can't shock me. I refuse to be offended by any truth that he gives me. He has handled himself with integity and wisdom.

He cares about me. He sees me. And that is the best thing about Evan. He loves. He has faith and is not ashamed of it. It is the very thing that will and already has set him apart. People will look to him, and he can handle it. As he has said, he runs an offense. He can do it.

The lucky woman that gets his heart will be blessed. Right now it's mine. I love you, son, with all my heart. Everything. I respect you. I am your most avid fan. While you were out doing your thing, people found out the hard way not to say anything negative about you. They got off easy. I can't promise that for the future ones. But I can promise to always love and support you. To always dream big for you. To feel so guilty for every second that I did not take advantage of with you. I promise you will never be alone in the world. Never.

 My heart cannot contain you. Geaux kick some ass. I am watching and loving every minute of it. Bring on Act 1.

Summer Break of Sorts

It is August, and here I am. In a Marriott in Tampa. I am halfway through my 47th year, the greatest age of all time, and I am all kinds of things. I am tired, exhausted actually. I am sad that my Evan is leaving for college, but so happy and relieved that he is on a path that includes school and football. I am trying so hard to succeed at what can only be defined as a long distance marriage. Tracy Miller would maybe disagree, but he has no time to read this so...I am massaging people everywhere in reality and in my mind. That kid saw dead people, but I see crooked people. In both cases I am sure Bruce Willis is dead. I am worried about my kids, but I have no time to act upon it. I have guilt about that. I am trying to figure out if I will always be a little girl. Even when I'm 80. I think I will, and I have decided to embrace it. I want Daddy, I like to laugh too much, and if you could just take care of me, I'd be complete. Thank you. I still love my music too loud. I like a little buzz. I like being surrounded by my kids and their friends. I like chaos. I drive fast and prefer a stick shift. Left to my devices I would dress kind of slutty. It's Nanny's fault. I still love to worship my God. I like to sit quietly and cry to Him, and I like to dance and sing so loudly in front of Him. I like to believe. I do. My spirit is a flickering wick, but He said somewhere that He would never extinguish it. And so I flicker on.

You are more than the choices that you've made, the sum of your past mistakes, and the problems you create. It's not about what you've done but what's been done for you, not where you've been, but where your brokenness brings you to.

Honey Harvey

The Summer Day Mary Oliver Who made the world? Who made the swan, and the black bear? Who made the grasshopper? This grasshopper, I mean- the one who has flung herself out of the grass, the one who is eating sugar out of my hand, who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down- who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes. Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face. Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away. I don't know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I am going through a time in my life that I don't feel like talking about. I am very busy, tired, and trying very hard to do all the right things. I will have something to say soon. Until then, I'm sorry.

Massage and all

I am very happy with the choice to go to massage school. I am even more glad to be going to Florida School of Massage. I can see that I am learning so much more than what other schools offer.

I think what I like most about this whole thing is the idea or the reality that I can help people feel well. Where I once saw people I now see scapula's and clavicles. I can't help it. I like it.

I will be out of school in November. I will by then have given many massages to many people. I hope they all imprint with me, and we have a long nurturing, healthy walk through this life. I am looking forward, and I haven't felt like this in a long time.

Life is Weird

I am trying to learn the difference between needs, wants, and if any of it matters at all. I am leaning toward the latter. Going to work. Have a nice day or night.

I like what I am doing. I am so excited about going to the nursing home in July. I will say more later.

Sorry that I'm not keeping up with this very well. If it's any consolation, I'm not keeping up with anything right now. Thanks for looking in to see what I am thinking or doing. I appreciate it so much. Hopefully I'll something to say soon.

Father's Day...again

It's Father's Day again. The year has flown by. I have said so many things about my Daddy, missing him, his loyalty, his larger than life-ness. I have nothing new. I wish I could call him. I find that I miss him most when I am sad. Like now. I think there will always be a little girl part of me. I want to be safe and taken care of. I want to be adored. Someone's object of affection.

I hope Heaven is good. I hope Daddy is at peace and whole. I'm glad that he formed in me the ability to laugh when I am distraught, the love of history, and the Louque crazy. I know how to love. And I do. That's all I have today. My heart is a little broken in so many places. I don't like the way life is set up. But whatcha gonna do? Happy Father's Day to whoever wants it. Thank you to all the stand ins in my life that I go to for Daddy stuff. You know who you are.

Night

Little Heart

I haven't had much time or energy to post lately. I am going to school, working, and trying to be a decent mom and wife. I left out friend because I suck at that. If I didn't have to sleep, I could do it all.

I got my little heart tattoo finally. I have wanted a heart on my heart for a long time. It simply means to keep my heart "out there". No matter how much I want to bury it safely in my ribs. I know that there is no way to love or recieve love (please oh please!) with it on the inside. So, now I have my metaphor to look at everyday. A reminder to be vulnerable and overt. I made it purple, so I guess a purple heart has something to do with being wounded in battle, and surviving or maybe saving somebody else. We will see. Like David Copperfield said in the opening lines...

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether
that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.

I am tired, but I am ok.

Some from Graduation (more to come)

So far

As some of you know, I have started Massage therapy school. I am attending the Florida School of Massage in Gainesville. I haven't said much about it because I was waiting to have a real impression. So I have one.

It's an interesting concept to be forced to be at peace, be regarded, and liked from 8-230 Monday through Friday. I say forced because it's a luxury that I would not give myself. I tend to take care of others, so this is like eating bon bons. The people are brilliantly smart. I am not kidding. I am amazed at the teachers. Just when I think that we will get some wanna be, another over qualified person comes in to teach us kinesiology or communication or anatomy. I still can't really tell who is running the place because so many people are fully capable. And I get a massage everyday. I don't know if I will be a decent massage therapist when this is over, but it won't be because I am not surrounded by support and intelligence. I do know that I will be different. I like being expected and received. People are glad to see me. That is life changing for someone like me. If you can forgive the analogy, it's like a tiny muscle that is never touched, but needs it desperately. That's me.

So, yeah. I like this school. My friend and boss said it and I knew it. I would be the one changed when this is done. He was right.

There are different types of learners. Visual and kinetic come to mind. I think there are more, but it escapes me. I am not sure where I fit in. My learning comes from words. Spoken or written. It has to do with my brain and heart taking in information. The information swims and swirls until I can say it. Somehow. Either I write it or speak it. Thar's when i learn it. It's in the coming out of me. Not the taking in. It can be driving down the road, on my little blog, or talking to a friend. But I have moments of clarity when I can gather up all the data, organize it, and express it. When I can't do that, I live in confusion until that moment when I finally can. Sometimes I purposely will not speak of things. Because I don't want the answer. So I leave it up there. For a time.

I am so thankful for the people that are there for me. People that have ears and love for me. I cannot live sanely without them. It is air and food to me to be heard and understood. Not to be agreed with, but to be cared for enough to be regarded. I'm pretty sure I have to have it. I'm small like that. I think it's why I pray. But no offense to God, I need feedback. My faith is not big enough to validate myself all the time. I am pretty sure he knows this. I need human love. :) And I will not fight it or avoid it. I will seek it, find it, or wither away trying. If you love me, you know this. If I love you, I wonder what I can give to you that you need...

My first week of school is finished. It was only a 3 day week, but it was a beginning. I like it.

I am happy to be learning something again. I am not exactly in my element in the group I am in. And that's good. I can't charm or joke my way through this.

I love my husband. I am daily seeing how lucky I am and how he may want a refund. I need to access my uncrazy side if that is possible.

I am so proud of my children. Beyond words.

I am so tired.

I heard it said that to be enlightened is to be in the state of overcoming desire and suffering. I want to be enlightened.

I wonder if I can be enlightened?

God

I believe in God. I believe that Jesus was and is God. Some people are intolerant of that veiw. It's ok.

 I think that he is all knowing, all seeing, all present. I honestly believe he hears or is aware of my prayers to him. I don't like wasting his time or abusing my hot line with things like the weather, football games (though tempting), and my everyday silliness. I think he is busy with the people living in the street. Which brings me to the suffering people. I have know idea why he allows us to do this to ourselves and each other. I just don't have an answer. Many people blow him off because of this. I think he understands, but there are seekers, and there are those that just say screw it. I have to keep seeking. I want to know an answer. I know God will wrestle with the people who want to. It's like wrestling your young son. Let him get it all out. He is better and stronger after, but you could kick his ass. You just never would.

I don't know about hell. I personally would throw a few people in there for a while. But I don't run this show. I lean more toward the idea that there is no hell. Just me. This is not a theological thesis. I know the Bible. Very well. I just think we get so much of our notions about hell from Dante, and he was awesome, but it was just a poem.

I do not care for sermons and the intuitions that we build with great intentions. I admire the people that work so hard. They are living out what they believe, and I don't care if they are hypocritical or fake or whatever lazy people like to say about them. I will do me, and they are doing them. I don't participate anymore, but if I walk in church right now, I will cry. Because for me, it tears down the veil. I am, in my mind and heart, focused on my God and what I base my life on. It blows me away. It is the most real aspect of my life. And it's invisible, untouchable.

I don't think God is offended with our questions, disbelief, or confusion. How could we not be confused? At the end of the day, we know nothing. Nothing except love and mercy. That's what I am betting it all on. I am all in. My sunglasses are off, and no bluffing. I will lay down my hand, and I have nothing. A pair or something lame. But there is the Love that will embrace me. The mercy and pity that I tried with the little that I had, and failed. I am not afraid to say that I am trusting my soul, the souls of my children, and all those that I love more than I can express on the fact that I will one day know. We see dimly, but then face to face. I am afraid and freaked out, but bring it.

In the meantime, be kind. Forgive all day long. Get over yourself. Love as you want to be loved. Everyday. Every minute. And when we fail, get up, brush off, and do it again.

Last game.

The Way

I watched a really good movie yesterday with my Tracy. It's called The Way. Evidently there is a path of 500 miles in Europe called the El Camino de Santiago. For centuries it has been a trail of pilgrimage for people for various reasons. It ends with the tomb of James the Apostle, and I don't know anything else. The movie was cool because the characters were all on the journey for different reasons. Like a very small Canterbury Tales. Nonetheless, it made me cry. Not the script. What moved me was the spirit.

I respect and am in awe of any man's attempt to know God. I am not one of those that hates religion because of the hypocrites. How can we be anything but hypocritical? We are human. If I want to see a hypocrite, the mirror is the best place. But I don't partake in the Institution of Church for my own reasons. I just don't like the "business" of it. I don't like that churches are run like any other franchise in America but with other adjectives that make everybody feel more churchy. I prefer to look at a sunset or a flower or a baby and see God. And worship Him. But that is just me. I appreciate the people that are doing their thing. Whether it is Baptist, Catholic, or Buddhist, I am impressed. It's the search and the effort that moves me. The beautiful idea that we can connect with God and that He wants to connect with us. It's why I dance and cry in church. I am touched in the deepest place in my heart. The cockles if you will.

And so I will go on today. I am searching and finding. I am seeing what I am and how base that is. And I am seeing the hope that I can be better. And sometimes I am better by just looking at something higher than I can be. It may be just another person's effort. A man walking on his knees to touch a landmark on a pilgrimage, an ornate ceremony in a huge cathedral that makes no sense, or throwing ashes in the ocean. It's good to have a soul.

47. the perfect age.

Tomorrow I turn 47. There are a few things of note...

I am tired. I guess this is age. I am now understanding all those commercials that the people are lauding their products for the increased energy. I get it.

Tracy and I still love each other. I say this because marriage is hard and living apart is harder and living with me is hardest. So, love will hopefully conquer all.

I am signed up to go to massage therapy school next month. My dream of touching old people might be realized. I actually think I will be the one healed in some way by all this. I hope so. I need help.

Tracy and I bought a masticating juicer. The Omega 8006. I know it sounds like a vibrator, but it's better! We can chew up carrots and apples and drink juice and maybe get more energy.

You know how when you're driving on the interstate through blue skies, and you look ahead and the sky is black and ominous and you are going 80mph toward it? That is how I feel. I may have to pull over, I may get blown off the road, or it may just look bad up ahead. I have no idea. All I know is that it looks scary and exciting and I don't have time to think about whether or not I should drive into it. I'm on a road trip, damn it, and you don't stop. For anything.

I'm not cocky enough to say bring it, but almost. I'm humble enough to know that I can't talk like that to the universe. I'm not that much of a bad ass.

Happy Birthday to me. I'm not 16, so I won't get a Quaalude and a bag of pot. Nor will I have to kiss everybody I see at the fair. I am 47. I get to have a party with some of my favorite people, and I get to kiss my Hot Fudge Sundae. Nothing better than that.

“I have been all things unholy. If God can work through me, he can work through anyone.” Saint Francis of Assisi

Today I dyed my hair. Sorry. I just think Tracy will think I'm prettier. And if you had a hot man like him, you would do whatever you had to, too.

I got to make jambalaya with Chelsea today. I always think of my Grandmothers and my mom when I cook things like that. I always loved sitting at the bar and watching them cook. I learned so much. I tend to cook a lot when I am sad. It's theraputic.

This week my dear friend Mike "Mr. Piggy" Murphree died. He was one of those people that I could count on. A true friend. RIP Piggy. I always felt beautiful and special when I was with him. He was one of those people.

That's all.

Always

The following is dedicated to some mothers I know. The mothers that are exceptional and still had to do what they had to do .Robin, Jenn, Missy, Daurie, Brandy, Kay Lynn. There are more. But mostly this is for my kids. So they will know that I see and feel it. It won't go away.

When you get a divorce in Florida, you have to take a parenting course. It's a "how to not screw your kids up any more than you already have" class. You can take it online, or if you are masochistic and thirsty for knowledge like me, you can spend a Saturday at a Best Western conference room and get it all in person. It was me and about six others. There were books to buy, which I did, and there was some role play via the instructors. That was painful. But the thing that haunts me even now is the video interviews of the children of divorce. My God. Some were 3, some 10, some 20. The lasting effect of their parents' divorce changed them forever. It hurts right now to think of it.

I can remember promising to Bradley that I would never get a divorce. I told him that was one thing he would never have to worry about. I was confident in my martyrdom. I had long been unhappy, but I knew for Bradley (or any of them) I could do anything. I broke my promise. Although I have never once regretted the end of that marriage, I will be guilty forever of damaging the hearts of my children. I broke up their family. I was not big enough for them. The road to my freedom passed straight through their hearts. There are no human words in any language that can express my sorrow. None. It is just an ache that cannot be uttered. There are not enough tears.

So I want them to know I see. I can't change it. It was going to happen. I hope that like so many trials in my life, they can turn it into strength, wisdom, and faith that God will make all this right one day. I hope that they know how far I went to avoid it. I hope they know I should not have made such promises, but my heart was so big for them. I could fly back then. I bring all this up because those kids in the video had been "divorced' for years. And they struggled still with depression and guilt. It brings me to my knees.

 This is the monster that lives under my bed.

Not dread locks, but a journey...

It's no secret that I hate dying my hair. I hate the smell, the cancer causing chemicals, the conforming to society's standards of beauty, the general fakeness. I dye it because I want to be pretty for my Tracy Miller. And I think that is worth it. But....the same Miller of which I speak has said that he would not mind at all if I stopped dying it. He is not the kind of man that would tell me what to do with my head. He has promised to be honest with me and tell me if he does not like it. So I will embark on a silver journey. Spare me the "don't let yourself go" comments. Don't let YOURself go. Do some crunches and read a book. I am going natural. I am completely vain enough to dye it again if I look haggard or unsexy or if my perfect man would rather it dark. I am just so happy to try it! I plan on making it hot. We will all see. And I don't judge anyone who, like my Aunt Ruby (RIP) who chooses to have bright red hair until you die at 90. That's actually cool in it's own way. There are women named Bunny and Love and Birdie that should do all they can. They have a name to live up to. I am just a Karen. A- cup, smart ass, and don't like to be told what to do. This will be fun.

Learning a lot these days about me. Mostly that I am better off with my thoughts safely swirling around in my head. No need to verbally express them or even write them. I am not in the center evidently. I feel strongly about things that normal happy people do not care about at all.

I continue to look for the reason we are all doing this. I know it has to do with learning and loving and dying. I hate the dying. I watched Big Fish the other day and had to go into the bathroom twice to cry. I miss my Daddy. I guess I will be 80 (if I am lucky) and still miss him. It's what he brought to the table. It's so cool to walk a high wire with a net.

I have no idea if I am the only one thinking that I am a completely average, slightly crazy person. I hate that. I do nothing greatly. But I guess greatness is rare. Sorry I'm a little down. Tomorrow will be cool.

These are busy times. I am trying to stay focused and keep my priorities in order. I hope to have more to say soon. Something funny or profound. Right now it's all about getting through the day and making sure everybody eats. I love the life God has entrusted me with.

Somebody will show you the Zulu King....

Today is Mardi Gras. It's so strange that no one really knows what today is, but in Louisiana it is so huge. I remember having school off on Monday and Tuesday. Then getting my ashes on Wednesday. It was so common to see people everywhere in town with the black smudge on their forehead. I remember trying to decide what to give up for lent. The biggest sacrifice was when I was 7 and gave up I Dream of Jeannie. God knew my faithfulness on that one. I gave up soft drinks one year, and that was pretty hard. I'm not Catholic anymore even though my mother would say I am whether I like it or not. It's like a race not just a religion. Maybe tomorrow I'll go the the Catholic Church here in Keystone and get my ashes. I wonder if I still can?

I guess the most important thing is to know what you believe. To have something. I have experienced people lately that have seemingly nothing on the inside. Just a void with some meanness floating around. That is sad and almost impossible to me. My hat is off and my heart is toward anyone that has the courage to believe. To go beyond what you see and hope that there is more. I say hope because we truly only know all things when this is over.

Happy Mardi Gras to Mama and Papa Louque. To Paw Paw and Mama Toon. To my daddy who made believing so important to me. Thank you with all my heart.

:)

I am happy. That's good.

What Honey does sitting around the house. She draws...

Honey is my 16 year old daughter.

Our opinions are sacred. They are not just generic, common thoughts and notions that everybody has, like assholes. They are what your body houses, the ideas that motivate and encompass a human being.They are what cause us to live and dream and walk out our lives. Some seem messed up and some probably are. Some are limited to experience like a child's. But I hope I don't so easily dismiss another person's opinion. I am not sure if it's even possible not to. We are so biased and predisposed and indoctrinated. So caught up in ourselves. So threatened by another idea. I hope I can relax and hear my inner voice and close my mouth long enough to hear yours.

I believe that there has never been any injustice, great or small, social or personal, that has been solved by silence. Even if the things we say are proven wrong or misguided, at least we can get the dialogue started by opening up our mouths. And what if by some design or coincidence, you're particular point of view is the best place to see a situation? I don't know.

Old Lady is whispering Hush...

Today I chewed some people out, fought for a friend, took one too many allergy pills because I am getting old and forget that I took a pill, wigged out on generic claritin, did busy paperwork, worked at my JBBQ, went to my son's last opening game of baseball, loved my kids, missed my Tracy Miller terribly, apologized to someone I offended, kept missing Tracy Miller, and vowed to be a better person tomorrow. Somehow. Good night, Moon.

Black Winged Bird

When I think of Heaven, I tend to not think of the terrain. It doesn't impress me to imagine pearly gates, streets of gold, and what not. I always think of people. Heaven for me will be (and is now) about being with people that I love. All of them. At one time. THAT is Heaven. To be able to watch one favorite person's reaction and enjoyment when they get to experience another favorite. To see Johnny Mason meet Little Ken. For my brother and Tracy Miller to laugh. There are so many.

I've said before that eternity creeps me out. It's too big. But I hope there is one, and I hope that I am with my kids and my friends and all cozy with my Miller. I guess that's just heaven here.

I like when life is too hard, and people doubt me,
 and I win them over with my actions.
Evan Harvey

Happy Birthday Honey!!!!

Oh yes

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold



I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good.

Kid Cudi

Sweetness

It finally rained. This means that the world will be clean today, and my leg will stop hurting. Since I was 16, when the temperature was about to drop and it was fronted with the promise of rain, my skin would hurt very badly down one of my legs until I had the relief of the rain. I've read about it, gone to doctors, whatever. I don't know what it is. It hurt, and now it's gone. Today.

This weekend Evan turns 18. He comes in my room at night and tells me about his day. He does his own laundry, helps me without being asked, bathes old people during the day that do not want to be bathed, goes to baseball, goes across town to football, gets home, does homework, and says Mom tell me about your day.

My kids are my sweetness. I could write a chapter on each of them and explain how they save my life. Bradley told me the other day simply the funniest story I have ever heard. He has the quickest wit that I know of. Andrew and I get to work together. He is so compliant and so good. If you cannot get along with him, you are flawed. Honey is the honest seer. I cannot tell here what she observes, but she blows me away with her matter of fact depth. And my Bellie with her sweet spirit and her French tips. I see her trying to be normal but not buying into it. Not believing her own press. Just like her mother.

I'm off to work. My heart is literally divided up and going in five different directions. Not sure how to manage that. Love to everybody. Enjoy the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr. is absotutely one of the greatest thinkers of our tiny speck of history. It is a complete pleasure and honor when you hear a man or woman speak with true wisdom. Everything he said publicly resonates with truth, love, and understanding. He was given the gift of sight. I am so thankful that he did not keep it to himself. Honestly, how could he? One of my favorite leaders of all time.

Ten thousand fools proclaim themselves into obscurity, while one wise man forgets himself into immortality.



Martin Luther King Jr.

Resolute

Isabelle wrote on her facebook page that her New Year's "Revolution" was to make straight A's and make one new friend. Her misspelling was actually so much better than just a mere resolution. As Robin and I observed over cocktails, it would indeed be such a revolution for everyone to make that one new friend.

I am not sure about so called unconditional love, especially in a relationship. To begin with, the term is a man made invention. It's a good one, based on agape love. God's love. But I know there is Philia and Eros. And Storge.

Quite honestly, I appreciate the distinctions that the Greeks gave me. There is the unconditional;  the passionate, sensual longing; the friendship; and the parent love. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you need the eros one in a relationship. Which means you give and get back. And there is nothing wrong or selfish about that. I have lived my life thinking that I have to always live and walk in the agape kind. It's great for the people around me, but I want some, too. How could I not?

2012- I want to understand love and all of It's expressions and meanings and connotations. I want to give love and be loved. How's that for revolution?

Geaux LSU! Reppin' the boot and all that. Love it! We will eat ettoufee and cheer one last time for LSU this season. Looking forward to next year.....

Elvis Birthday Eve

I really don't like cold weather. You have to wear so much more, and I don't like to wear so much more. My house is so cold. I have so much respect for the people of the world through history who accomplished great things in low temperatures. I would have us all huddled around the fire in the cave. I am so much less than those people.

I am looking forward to the LSU game on Monday. I am trying so hard to have spirited banter with the men that come in to JBBQ with Bama hats on, but I think they just can't imagine a woman actually saying that our secondary is going to make them one dimensional, and our d-line is going to shut down Richardson. They don't like my saying that we will pull away in the 4th and it will not be that close. Oh well. Maybe I should say our colors are pretty and the QB is cute.

I am on the look out for reasons to enjoy the moments, so if you have any ideas, I am open.

Coldplay - See You Soon (Cover) By My Andrew

I know it's 2012, but I haven't felt that fresh start thing yet that everybody feels. I know I am glad the holidays are over. I miss my kids. Especially Isabelle. Probably because she is the youngest and not able to just come see me like the others.

I have a lot of challenges this year. Some things I knew I would be dealing with, some I never saw coming. But here I am.

I will be a better Mother this year. I have felt so detached from my kids, but I am done with that. They are my family. My home.

I want to learn how to do my job better this year. I want JBBQ to prosper and continue to be the happy place that it is.

Last year is gone, and I am happy about that. It seemed like a slippery hill that I kept falling down with no end in sight. No occasional stump to break my descent, not even a briar patch to get tangled in momentarily. Just a long slide. I am done with that, too. I think I am at a plateau. God, please.

I want to get paid for at least one written collection of thoughts and words this year. That is about it. Love to all.