Yay!

Today is a happy day. I won't take it for granted.

Whenever you call baby, I'll roll up...

Dear Bradley, Andrew, Evan, Honey, and Isabelle,

I once said that the road to my sanity, freedom, and well being tragically passed directly through your hearts. Not many people can understand this. I can honestly look to the sky at God and say I would have died before going that route. Death would be easier than walking around knowing that I broke things in you that cannot be fixed. But here we are. If anyone reading this knows me at all, you understand what I am saying.

I am glad to be alive. More glad to be with a man that is more than I could have hoped for. But I will never get used to the fractured strangeness of saying goodbye to you every week. I am just not good at it. I struggle with guilt and sadness and the constant heaviness of not being for you what I want to be. What I think you need me to be. But....the good part is....

You each know how much I love you. Not in the usual mommy way, but the freakish, obsessive, I will do anything way. I love you each with all my heart, and that is one of the many proofs that God exists. He doesn't get full use of my mouth, sadly, but He has all of  my heart for you. It is an aching, perfect, wonderful, faithful love. I cannot put into words how it feels to see you. To see your gifts, all so different and so amazing. You are each worth every day that I get up. Every prayer I pray for you, and every bird I flip to the opposition. I hope I get to see all of you do whatever you want. I have a dream for each of you. A big one. And I believe that it will happen. I am just that blinded. I love you all. You are literaly my heart walkng around outside of my chest. How nice. How perfect.

Love, Karen

See the pyramids around the Nile
Watch the sun rise
From the tropic isle
Just remember darling
All the while
You belong to me

See the market place
In old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember
When a dream appears
You belong to me

And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me

Oh I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me.

Happy Birthday Wilson Vance Louque III. You would be 71 today.

Today and tomorrow. And yesterday.

Pain is too generic of a word. It's like love, but I can work with that. Pain could mean I'm walking on hot sand with no flip flops, the ache in my chest when I think of pending things, getting the news that someone I love is gone, or, I don't know, Tracy accidentally eating a whole medallion of wasabi because I put it right next to the avocados on his plate. ( I thought he'd know. :( )

But whatever the pain, it all seems to work for my good. I grow and learn and become better. I still hate it  though. I avoid it. I think that's smart. There are people in life that will continue to just wreak hurt. I avoid them. Ice cream makes my tummy hurt. Douchebags sue people.  And I get sick on boats. So it goes...

I cry a lot, so I know there are people that think I am weak. I probably am. But I also know that the race is more impressive when a crippled person runs it than when a healthy athlete does. It has everything to do with what you are working with. So, I think I am strong. Or I will tell myself that. I am afraid all the time, but fear is not bad. The important thing is what I will do in it's presence. We will see.

Who's my Daddy?

When my Daddy died, he left an enormous hole in the world. He can never be replaced. But I honestly believe that God sent people. men, into my life to fill the void. I would like to point out that it takes several to even come close to Vance III.  My brother Vance, Jimmy Clyde, Johnny Mason, Travis Jolley, Kyle Tate, and even my own sons have looked at me and thought, "she needs help." And then you helped me. Happy Father's Day to my dream team. Now that I have my Canadian Adonis, you guys can sit back and breathe. God bless you a thousand times over, and I hope karma is real. I love you all. It's good to be me.

I haven't had much to say lately. Not sure why, but I have my theories. Father's Day is Sunday. I have found that the anticipation of days like that are harder than the actual day. If I could talk to my daddy, which I do all the time, but if I could have dialogue....what would I say? What would I want to hear? I think I would just listen. I would like to hear his voice. I have a cassette tape he made for me and my kids about a month before he died. It has messages to all of us. I listen to it once a year on the anniversary of his death. Just my little thing. I mainly like to hear him. So that's what I would like. Maybe I'll dream it.

Our weekend in Clearwater



Haley and Hottest Grandpa of all time



Rylee struggling with Tracy's shorts, Austin, and Tracy Miller

Jason and Isabella

Baby Bella

Taylor

Haley

I was watching a comedian with Bradley last night. I love being with my sons. Anyway, the guy was saying that it took him three marriages to understand that it all comes down to 3 questions:

1. Does this need to be said?
2. Does this need to be said by me?
3. Does this need to be said by me now?

I have been trying so hard to restrain my thoughts. Keep them in my head, swirling around. I am trying to just...hell, I don't know. Anyway, I think it's good. For no other reason I get to have a break from me. That's good. Happy Friday and all that.