Ben Harper saying things

"Forever"

Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do From you

People spend so much time
Every single day
Runnin' 'round all over town
Givin' their forever away
But no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

Like a handless clock with numbers
An infinite of time
No not the forever found
Only in the mind
Forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

I am sad.

Body armor and life

I am learning some things about Body Armoring. It's a very old theory from a man named Wilhelm Reich. He was a branch from Freud and has some theories on Psychotherapy, character analysis, development, and yes, body armor. It's about our ways of compensating for needs not met or trauma at different stages of our lives. Things and patterns that we create subconsciously to protect our hearts and minds or to react to trauma. It's not an active reaction but more an energetic and spiritual one. We hold these things within our bodies and can release them through touch and therapy. It's interesting.

I am not doing it justice. But I do see the truth in it not only from just reading it but experiencing it in myself and others. We are so much more than what we know.

So I will embark on something new. Not new at all really. Something old, but maybe these truths will bring me closer to where I am going. Where God is taking me. There are people that I love that have patterns that are not useful anymore. The patterns are actually debilitating and destructive. That's the point of it. We sometimes need the armor, but we tend to never let it go and hold it way beyond its use. It's like having your fists up 20 years after you were mugged. It's time to relax. Your fists are getting in the way of hugging someone. Or receiving hugs. If you get attacked again, you will have them. But everybody is not a mugger. Or an abuser. Or a __________. Not everyone is going to die in some shocking way. Or not love me.  I am ready to move on.

I am almost finished with school, and it feels like I am in labor. I am in such need of money but in such lack of time. In less than 3 weeks it will all change. I won't have to mete out the neglect so evenly. My prayer is simply "help me".

I am learning that muscle pain or any body pain is our friend. It's our warning to stop doing a particuliar behavior or you will be injured. Injury is bad. The pain is the only way our body can communicate with us. It reminds me of a newborn baby. They only have one way to say "I need something." It's yelling. A little alarm. It's not crying. Crying has to do with sadness of needs not met. If you let a baby yell long enough, the yells will become crying. And then you are a jerk.


It's not all bad. Love saves me. It saves us all. I am saved by giving it and receiving it. By just finding it in places that are right in front of me. I am strangely looking forward to the rest of my life even though I see wrinkles in my face, I am tired, and I have no idea where I am going. But I will go somewhere. I can promise that.

Have a good day whoever you are. I hope you are faithful to the people that are putting their trust in you. I hope you aren't letting babies cry. Make it your business not to.

Beautiful.

October

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Something to look forward to.

I am almost finished with school and will hopefully take my State Board Exam this month. I am looking forward to seeing where it all leads. I enjoy the therapeutic quality of massage. It is valuable and makes me feel like I am helping people. I like that.

I have learned some things about me while at school that seemingly have nothing to do with massage. I apologize. A lot. I am always ready to concede and be small. I do that. I am very weary of being invisible. It's not good for me. My daughters are watching.

I hope I can be happy one day. I hope I can find the secret. I am so far from that. I'm tired.

Oh well. I am going to work. I love my JBBQ. That has been the reliable and true part of my life for a long time now. Thank you, Masons. I am blessed.

Getting Brittany

It's October which is one of my favorite months of the year. It will whisk by while I finish school, work, and arrange my house.

There are some things I will never speak of in a public forum like this. I am torn because as a "writer", I want to maintain integrity and not censor myself. This has become my little history. My chronicle of life since 2006. So I will just look back and remember this time of blog silence. I will know what was happening inside of me. I'll remember.

Today is the day I am putting myself away for as long as the hair dye holds up. I want to look in the mirror and not see this devastated person. She's always walking around with her broken heart in her hands, trying to put it back together while it slips out through her fingers like liver. It's too desperate. She needs to go to sleep. So, in the spirit of emotional breakdowns everywhere, I will cut my hair today, dye it dark, and throw some purple in it. I will wear a lot of eyeliner and some lipstick. It won't change the inside, but at least it will divert my attention. And that's the best I can do.