In Honor of My Dear Hatton,
I want to say some things to you, and thought you would like this venue. I know you do.
In the beginning of 2009, we were both hired at Johnny's BBQ. We were Kelly Hires. We got to train together, and learn all the ins and outs of our BBQ life. We were fast friends, of course, and I have always been so happy to see your name on the "board" or the dry erase above drive thru. You always appreciated my humor, my songs, my dirty jokes, my family. I know there is a life time supply of hand sanitizer somewhere in your house with Bradley's name on it. I remember looking forward to when I could get you and Evan together for that Rap off. And that's because of you and your hood rat taste in music. We used to text lyrics to each other. You were NEVER stumped if I started a song, you always finished it. I think you can agree we kind of always went back to the classics. I think our best work was with Ignition. Me with the Toot Toot and the Beep Beep, you coming in strong running your hands through your fro and all. And my kids all order the Hatton. I'm sure it vexes the kitchen being pressed and all.... I will miss you so much.
I think about what I will miss. Your flowing hair, your smile, those eyes. Your humor, your genuine interest. That's it. What I am going to miss so much is your love for me. You loved me. And I do not take it lightly. It is a special trait and a rare spirit that makes people feel wanted and special. And that is you. You truly delighted in us. All of us. And the world is not that great now. I will think of you every time I walk in JBBQ. Every time I hear certain songs. When football season comes around. When we laugh at work...
Thank you. I am better because of you. I am still your mama bear although your position is greater, and your view is infinite. The last thing you said to me was how glad you were to have worked that shift with me. You touched my arm and said, "Now I'm healed, Karen. I needed to see you." I will say the same to you when I see you again, Love. This wound will remain until then.
Good Bye for now. If you are allowed to haunt, come see me. I love you.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Monday, February 23, 2015
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Happy
Today I got some encouraging mail. My little social security report came in. It's the one that reports my earnings throughout my life and then estimates how much I will get each month when I retire. Well, aside from the fact that most people make in a year what my lifetime income has been, I feel ok. My number looks like I will be able to buy enough cat food and wine to see me to the end. I'm stoked.
I have not written much lately. That doesn't mean that nothing is happening. Contrary. I am rebuilding my life after all the inner struggles that I have been through. I blame no one for the struggles. It's my journey. My life. I'm driving, and my brakes work. So does the gas.
I am completely honored that a friend texted me today feeling lost and in the dark. He knew I would understand. The fact that I was turned to when something too weird and painful to explain was happening...well, welcome to my freak world. What if all this was for something? I will shine my little light.
Love will make you do some crazy things. It has made me do some. I have offered myself a la carte, allowing someone to choose only the dessert or the best or whatever. I'm like one of those elephants that hunters took the tusks and left the rest of me, my whole self, to rot. No more. I know that James Taylor said that there is no doubt that love's the finest thing around. He's right. I want the real stuff.
And that's about it. I am happy and whole.
I have not written much lately. That doesn't mean that nothing is happening. Contrary. I am rebuilding my life after all the inner struggles that I have been through. I blame no one for the struggles. It's my journey. My life. I'm driving, and my brakes work. So does the gas.
I am completely honored that a friend texted me today feeling lost and in the dark. He knew I would understand. The fact that I was turned to when something too weird and painful to explain was happening...well, welcome to my freak world. What if all this was for something? I will shine my little light.
Love will make you do some crazy things. It has made me do some. I have offered myself a la carte, allowing someone to choose only the dessert or the best or whatever. I'm like one of those elephants that hunters took the tusks and left the rest of me, my whole self, to rot. No more. I know that James Taylor said that there is no doubt that love's the finest thing around. He's right. I want the real stuff.
And that's about it. I am happy and whole.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
My little preview
Well, I have crossed the bridge into 2015. We are here. I am so glad. Seriously.
Instead of talking about last year, reviewing, summing up, I think I will take Robin's advice and preview the coming year. Like a movie trailer.
When doing yoga, there are several poses that are a challenge. One in particular is Butterfly. That's ironic since I have a relationship with butterflies. But when in that pose, you are sitting up and putting the bottoms of your feet together causing your bent knees to loosely resemble butterfly wings as the insides of your thighs are screaming. At least mine do. But when I breathe and let go, I am able to go deeper into the pose, even bringing my chest to the floor. It appears that when I protect myself by holding on, it hurts more. But when I lean and breathe and surrender, the pain is less, and I can go further. I would have to acknowledge that what I thought was protection was just the opposite. And so, I lean into the discomfort, and it dissipates. And that is my general theme and hope for the coming year. Embracing the things that have scared me and leaning in to fears and pain. And watching them let go.
I am purposefully becoming aware of how I feel about myself. How I regard and speak to myself. Quite honestly, I have discovered that I would not want to be around someone that speaks to me like I have spoken to inner Karen. But not only have I not been kind, I think this has allowed me to put up with others doing the same. Debasing me to get love. Making myself small so as not to get in the way. The concept of self love has been as foreign to me as Mandarin Chinese, and my desire to understand it has to be compared to my interest in learning that language. But as I become mindful, I can see the patterns changing. The reversal of connections that I cannot even begin to see when they came to be. As I correct these things, this self talk, I feel differently. I not only respect myself, but I can't imagine allowing others to treat me unkindly. I know all about turning the other cheek. And I have embraced it. But I want to know about loving others as I love myself.
For the coming days, I am full of hope. Hope that I can and will prosper. Not just on the inside, but actually on the outside, too. I typically don't dare to think that I could have more. And so, I am grateful for it all. Leaning in to the discomfort and feeling the release. It's very exciting. I feel good.
Instead of talking about last year, reviewing, summing up, I think I will take Robin's advice and preview the coming year. Like a movie trailer.
When doing yoga, there are several poses that are a challenge. One in particular is Butterfly. That's ironic since I have a relationship with butterflies. But when in that pose, you are sitting up and putting the bottoms of your feet together causing your bent knees to loosely resemble butterfly wings as the insides of your thighs are screaming. At least mine do. But when I breathe and let go, I am able to go deeper into the pose, even bringing my chest to the floor. It appears that when I protect myself by holding on, it hurts more. But when I lean and breathe and surrender, the pain is less, and I can go further. I would have to acknowledge that what I thought was protection was just the opposite. And so, I lean into the discomfort, and it dissipates. And that is my general theme and hope for the coming year. Embracing the things that have scared me and leaning in to fears and pain. And watching them let go.
I am purposefully becoming aware of how I feel about myself. How I regard and speak to myself. Quite honestly, I have discovered that I would not want to be around someone that speaks to me like I have spoken to inner Karen. But not only have I not been kind, I think this has allowed me to put up with others doing the same. Debasing me to get love. Making myself small so as not to get in the way. The concept of self love has been as foreign to me as Mandarin Chinese, and my desire to understand it has to be compared to my interest in learning that language. But as I become mindful, I can see the patterns changing. The reversal of connections that I cannot even begin to see when they came to be. As I correct these things, this self talk, I feel differently. I not only respect myself, but I can't imagine allowing others to treat me unkindly. I know all about turning the other cheek. And I have embraced it. But I want to know about loving others as I love myself.
For the coming days, I am full of hope. Hope that I can and will prosper. Not just on the inside, but actually on the outside, too. I typically don't dare to think that I could have more. And so, I am grateful for it all. Leaning in to the discomfort and feeling the release. It's very exciting. I feel good.
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