I want so many things. Mainly for my kids. But I have some things, too. I have sheets with a high thread count, wine almost every night, good lotion, and fluffy socks. I have, as Andrew pointed out, a hunk of manliness that I get to snuggle up to. Seriously, if I somehow stopped loving him (impossible), I would use him. He is hotness to me.
It is wierd coming from where I have been (Missi, Daurie?) and trying to recatorgorize priorities, and ideas about what matters. Everything has changed for me. I look at pictures and read journals and I do not know that Karen. I don't like her all that much. She did the best she could, but I have no desire to see her anymore. Spare me the advice, but I throw things away that remind me. Sorry. I just don't need to go back to some things. My kids. That's it.
So I'll walk out today. The me that is trying to be. It's kind of cool. And scary as hell.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
truth. I love this.
All the chistles I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand just to watch, them all wash away.
Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly for a faith
To be faithful to me.
Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
Jennifer Knapp
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand just to watch, them all wash away.
Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly for a faith
To be faithful to me.
Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
Jennifer Knapp
If I could just do this...
As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.
Emmanuel Teney
Emmanuel Teney
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Pondering
This week is good. Lots of things are happening. Some productive, some just normal. I try to find something everyday that I love that doesn't depend on anyone else. Something that stands alone and can't be taken away or with held or forgotten...Most of what makes my heart sing depends on the actions of others. Not a good idea.
It's funny. I think I learn lessons, and then find myself repeating the same mistakes, patterns, cycles, whatever. I know better. I mean I REALLY know better. Sometimes the gain out weighs the risk. Or even the thought of gain. Life is a mystery. I seem to keep going back to get something that I will obvioulsy never get. I am tired.
I want to be whole, independent, empathetic, and loved. Understood and cared about. Those are the things that keep me going. I want to understand why I react in the ways that I do. Does anybody ever know these things? Or do we just stop caring so much?
I wonder how my other sisters who have gone this way are handling it....the ones that are like me. In the blender. I pray that I can do the things I need to do with a peaceful mind. No fear. Just resolve. On a lighter note....
I am enjoying my book. It's nice to have something to make me think. It's Tuesday, and I am looking forward to Friday. That's not too bad.
It's funny. I think I learn lessons, and then find myself repeating the same mistakes, patterns, cycles, whatever. I know better. I mean I REALLY know better. Sometimes the gain out weighs the risk. Or even the thought of gain. Life is a mystery. I seem to keep going back to get something that I will obvioulsy never get. I am tired.
I want to be whole, independent, empathetic, and loved. Understood and cared about. Those are the things that keep me going. I want to understand why I react in the ways that I do. Does anybody ever know these things? Or do we just stop caring so much?
I wonder how my other sisters who have gone this way are handling it....the ones that are like me. In the blender. I pray that I can do the things I need to do with a peaceful mind. No fear. Just resolve. On a lighter note....
I am enjoying my book. It's nice to have something to make me think. It's Tuesday, and I am looking forward to Friday. That's not too bad.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Looking at my posts of late, I can safely call this season of my life the "I don't know" season. It's ok. I am happier not knowing or thinking that I know things. There is an arrogance that comes with being right that isn't all that great. So here's to my shrugged shoulders. Clink! (I do know some things. I'll make another list...)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Bob's River Place
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| Andrew |
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| Evan |
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| Austin and the splash of Andre |
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| The Double Demon |
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| Andrew |
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| Bellie |
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| Andrew and Rylee |
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| Rylee and Evan |
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| The cutest couple in the world. |
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| Bradley's only delve into the icy waters... |
Saturday, March 26, 2011
I wish I could have every Friday off. I like a 3 day weekend.
I started reading Love Wins. I promised Carole I would review it, so I won't start that now. Honestly, Rob Bell is just saying things I have thought for years. Not that I am cutting edge. It just makes sense to ask questions. Who doesn't? I like the notion that Mercy is even bigger than we thought. That our ideas are small, and we were made to be happy.
I started reading Love Wins. I promised Carole I would review it, so I won't start that now. Honestly, Rob Bell is just saying things I have thought for years. Not that I am cutting edge. It just makes sense to ask questions. Who doesn't? I like the notion that Mercy is even bigger than we thought. That our ideas are small, and we were made to be happy.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I am this and not much else.
Mother. Mom. The Memee.
For me that was not taking so much as a tylenol for a wicked headache because it's the week the kidneys are developing...no caffeine...no anti perspirant because that shit has aluminum in it. It means reading every book and settling in on attachment parenting...It is no drugs during labor because I want to imprint and nurse at that perfect first moment. It is getting in people's faces at the McDonald's playland. It is nursing on planes, in line at It's a Small World, the mall, under security cameras on purpose, standing up, lying down, telling the world to get over it. It's going toe to toe with I don't know how many doctors about why I won't immunize my baby. It means teaching my kids at home so they won't be peer dependant. Screw that.
It is candling ears, bad haircuts, cooking everything imaginable, never doing enough laundry, telling people masturbation won't really send you to hell, driving a bus as my primary vehicle. It is telling the church ladies to basically kiss my ass because I did not have this child to leave him in a nursery with you. It is allowing my soul to be stolen in secret and putting on a good face. It is reading at a child's comprehension level to increase knowledge and make all those connections in little brains. Pouring over curriculum catalogs and individualizing education plans. Checking for lice, worms, and taking care of business. It is signing consent for earrings and tattoos because I don't want the world to tell my kids what to do. Don't tell me what to do either. It's dreaming happiness and peace for them and raising people deliberately. It is me being so thankful to them for saving me. It is love that I cannot describe with all the metaphors, similes, and maybe some personification.
I am not much, but I will stand up next to any mother. My heart is full.
I am not ready for my kids to leave me. I admit it. Ready or not, though, it is happening. It happens sooner in divorce because of visitation and all. I am grieving this with all the stages...anger, sadness, some bargaining, and I haven't seen very much acceptance. If sheer will could do it, I would be there. But, alas. I deeply admire and respect the mothers that have walked this out gracefully. You go. Pray for me. I need it.
For me that was not taking so much as a tylenol for a wicked headache because it's the week the kidneys are developing...no caffeine...no anti perspirant because that shit has aluminum in it. It means reading every book and settling in on attachment parenting...It is no drugs during labor because I want to imprint and nurse at that perfect first moment. It is getting in people's faces at the McDonald's playland. It is nursing on planes, in line at It's a Small World, the mall, under security cameras on purpose, standing up, lying down, telling the world to get over it. It's going toe to toe with I don't know how many doctors about why I won't immunize my baby. It means teaching my kids at home so they won't be peer dependant. Screw that.
It is candling ears, bad haircuts, cooking everything imaginable, never doing enough laundry, telling people masturbation won't really send you to hell, driving a bus as my primary vehicle. It is telling the church ladies to basically kiss my ass because I did not have this child to leave him in a nursery with you. It is allowing my soul to be stolen in secret and putting on a good face. It is reading at a child's comprehension level to increase knowledge and make all those connections in little brains. Pouring over curriculum catalogs and individualizing education plans. Checking for lice, worms, and taking care of business. It is signing consent for earrings and tattoos because I don't want the world to tell my kids what to do. Don't tell me what to do either. It's dreaming happiness and peace for them and raising people deliberately. It is me being so thankful to them for saving me. It is love that I cannot describe with all the metaphors, similes, and maybe some personification.
I am not much, but I will stand up next to any mother. My heart is full.
I am not ready for my kids to leave me. I admit it. Ready or not, though, it is happening. It happens sooner in divorce because of visitation and all. I am grieving this with all the stages...anger, sadness, some bargaining, and I haven't seen very much acceptance. If sheer will could do it, I would be there. But, alas. I deeply admire and respect the mothers that have walked this out gracefully. You go. Pray for me. I need it.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The good things in my life far outweigh the bad. Tracy keeps trying to get that through my thick skull. It's hard some days. When I miss my kids, when "righteous" people plot to hurt me, when I wish I had more money. But....I am loved by a man that I thought I could only dream of ....my kids are healthy and loved...I don't look half bad....I sleep with Adonis....I live on a lake and see sunsets...There's more. I'll add later.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
A list
When I'm lacking creativity or freedom to say what I really think or whatever, I make a list. It's the White Zinfindel of blogging.
1. I love and appreciate my kids. They are appreciative of what I can give them. and that ain't much. I get sad when I see kids getting normal things that my kids would think is special. I just can't. All I can do is little things. They are good, and I hope the karma comes back 100 times for them.
2. I am learning about who I am. I have no idea. I have had to adjust in so many ways. I wonder what I will be when I am done? Hopefully not silent and vacant. I would prefer to be laughing...I am not nearly as devastated about things as I used to be. That's good. I'm not good AT ALL at compartmentalizing my heart and mind. To feel or not to feel...it's all or nothing. Oh well.
3. I like to talk to people. It makes me happy.
4. I miss talking to people.
1. I love and appreciate my kids. They are appreciative of what I can give them. and that ain't much. I get sad when I see kids getting normal things that my kids would think is special. I just can't. All I can do is little things. They are good, and I hope the karma comes back 100 times for them.
2. I am learning about who I am. I have no idea. I have had to adjust in so many ways. I wonder what I will be when I am done? Hopefully not silent and vacant. I would prefer to be laughing...I am not nearly as devastated about things as I used to be. That's good. I'm not good AT ALL at compartmentalizing my heart and mind. To feel or not to feel...it's all or nothing. Oh well.
3. I like to talk to people. It makes me happy.
4. I miss talking to people.
5. It makes my day for someone to be interested in me. You know who you are. There are some who go out of their way to type a little comment to me every now and then. Or ask me about my day or life. It saves me. Yes, I am that dramatic. Thank you. I lived like an invisible person for a long time. Not by choice. So the smallest acknowledgement is a day maker. I know all of this sounds egocentric, but in the words of Ace Ventura looking at the monk orgy, denial can be an ugly thing.
6. I still think I'm worth it. Not as much as I used to, but kind of. Maybe.
7. I think that God is still taking care of me. Or at least giving consent to the universe to do with me what it will. I trust that. As long as the dark forces have to ask permission to mess with me, I am still in good hands. Me and Job. And Peter.
8. I have some hope.
9. The trees are pretty right now.
10. That's it.
8. I have some hope.
9. The trees are pretty right now.
10. That's it.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I am going to try not to sound like such a downer. Never my intention to be a typing valium. Or qualude. (that was for my Redemptorist friends!)
I have been enjoyning my days since I get off at 4. I get to cook, and then go outside to see the sun set in the pink and orange sky. A miracle everyday. Just for me, right?
I hope today has some hope in it. Some love and little bit of comfort. Maybe a peaceful notion here and there. I miss my Dad.
I have been enjoyning my days since I get off at 4. I get to cook, and then go outside to see the sun set in the pink and orange sky. A miracle everyday. Just for me, right?
I hope today has some hope in it. Some love and little bit of comfort. Maybe a peaceful notion here and there. I miss my Dad.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Last night a beautiful, good, and practically perfect woman (in my opinion) mentioned that she enjoyed my blog. How nice. I usually have no idea who looks at this, and honestly, I think that's good. I write so I can get things out of this head, to chronicle my thoughts and life for my kids, and to spare Tracy. It works.
I am not sure of many things these days. I am in a confusing thought pattern. I think it is normal due to all the experiences I have had. I am swept from my comfortable place of self defense and am swirling around in vulnerability. How's that?
My good and wise friend Robin interpreted my dream yesterday. I had dreamt that all around my house was sinking. It was being washed away. Eroding right before my eyes. The house was even next to a swift river taking chunks of earth away. I tried to call Tracy for help, but damn it, I could not recall his name. I went through the alphabet and came up with it. Finally. It was disturbing. My Robin had this to say
"Sounds like a Mom's anxiety dream to me. A fear of your home/family slipping away and it seems you can do nothing about it. You turn to someone you love only to find he has slipped away as well. Sounds like manifestation of normal need to be there for everyone and knowledge that no one person can really be able to maintain that without something "slipping away" at one time or another."
How lucky am I to have such a resource. As usual, she is dead on. I believe our dreams are only powerful for us. Not prophetic, but probing our inner hearts to show us what is really in there.
I am not sure of many things these days. I am in a confusing thought pattern. I think it is normal due to all the experiences I have had. I am swept from my comfortable place of self defense and am swirling around in vulnerability. How's that?
My good and wise friend Robin interpreted my dream yesterday. I had dreamt that all around my house was sinking. It was being washed away. Eroding right before my eyes. The house was even next to a swift river taking chunks of earth away. I tried to call Tracy for help, but damn it, I could not recall his name. I went through the alphabet and came up with it. Finally. It was disturbing. My Robin had this to say
"Sounds like a Mom's anxiety dream to me. A fear of your home/family slipping away and it seems you can do nothing about it. You turn to someone you love only to find he has slipped away as well. Sounds like manifestation of normal need to be there for everyone and knowledge that no one person can really be able to maintain that without something "slipping away" at one time or another."
How lucky am I to have such a resource. As usual, she is dead on. I believe our dreams are only powerful for us. Not prophetic, but probing our inner hearts to show us what is really in there.
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Transient Life
My dear friend Zak Davis is happy for me. He is glad to know that I've found joy in my short, transient life. He thinks I found joy because I told him I did. I love Zak. He is in Columbia or God knows where right now. Finding the meaning I have no doubt.
I, on the other hand, grapple daily. Not sure what to expect, to know. What to hope for, what to accept, what to reject. I am slowly moving through the haunted house by the tiny light of my cell phone. With a bunch of kids behind me. Ready to bitch slap a monster with a chainsaw around every corner.
I keep changing the meaning of my life to something I already have. You know, to give me that "I have arrived" feeling. So I can relax. But then I find that I don't have the thing I thought I had. Is it just me? Oprah told me a long time ago I'd get the love that I put out. I found out that abusers are the exception to that one. But I am thinking it's just not true at all. It's ok. I'm not sure what to do with this wicked vacuum that lives in my chest. I just have to adjust. (sighing, squaring my shoulders...)
Making adjustments. It's what's I do. Which is what I am thinking life is. The Transient Life. Short, nothing permanent, ever moving and changing. I just need to understand that I will understand nothing. Well, I do understand a few things. My kids are worth it, food is good, I will get zits all through life, and I love naps.
I hope am doing ok. In this life. It's just a confusion to me. I'll let you know when I figure it out.
I, on the other hand, grapple daily. Not sure what to expect, to know. What to hope for, what to accept, what to reject. I am slowly moving through the haunted house by the tiny light of my cell phone. With a bunch of kids behind me. Ready to bitch slap a monster with a chainsaw around every corner.
I keep changing the meaning of my life to something I already have. You know, to give me that "I have arrived" feeling. So I can relax. But then I find that I don't have the thing I thought I had. Is it just me? Oprah told me a long time ago I'd get the love that I put out. I found out that abusers are the exception to that one. But I am thinking it's just not true at all. It's ok. I'm not sure what to do with this wicked vacuum that lives in my chest. I just have to adjust. (sighing, squaring my shoulders...)
Making adjustments. It's what's I do. Which is what I am thinking life is. The Transient Life. Short, nothing permanent, ever moving and changing. I just need to understand that I will understand nothing. Well, I do understand a few things. My kids are worth it, food is good, I will get zits all through life, and I love naps.
I hope am doing ok. In this life. It's just a confusion to me. I'll let you know when I figure it out.
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