Weekends are never long enough these days. I spend a lot of time reading and reflecting. Embracing the silence and allowing it to become peace. And falling asleep on the couch.

I had the pleasure of going to the movies with Isabelle and Evan on Friday. It was so nice. We ate at Burrito Famous and saw Monsters University. Saturday Zak appeared. That is always ok, and tonight we have Hope and Andrew and Chelsea coming over. Honey is here and Bradley will be back tomorrow. I say all this because I am told that in these times I am supposed to surround myself with people I trust. People that love me. I am making lists, crying my tears, getting better, doing the work it takes to be a different person. I want to look in the mirror and recognize that person looking at me. I refuse to give up. It is the hardest thing I have been through so far. Psychologically, the damage from this particular scenario is very common. But I will learn and change and not be drawn into these illusions.

And football starts in 34 days. Honestly, one day if I can ever trust another person again, I'm maybe not that bad. I like cooking, drinking, laughing, football, and sex. And I am loyal. Not exactly long walks on the beach and pina coladas, but that's overrated? I hope I can be happy again. I wish it would have been what I thought 4 years ago.. Oh well.

Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence. Get me back. Get me back. I don't care what happens to me. Only get me back to my wife and kids. Help me, Clarence, please. Please! I want to live again. I want to live again. I want to live again.....Please, God, let me live again.

George Bailey

Supernatural Love

Last week I got on my knees and asked God for a sign. I needed to see the truth. My intuition was screaming at me, making me physically sick.  He answered my prayer Friday night. I am grateful. And heartbroken. I am one of many. Nothing special.

Lies suck.

 Liars suck more. I will take a vulnerable, imperfect, real, honest human being any day over the latter. There is nothing more demoralizing, more diminishing, more disregarding, more venomous than to be lied to by someone you love.

 But I am regarded....

Today, I was so sad, and out of nowhere, without being asked, Evan came and mowed my grass, fixed my tire, and put a chair together for me. I have begged and cried for the love of someone else, and my son, once again, shows me that love is this. I am loved. By so many. Not just Evan, but that one was timely.

 And it's the truth. Thank You.

"...He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."

crossing

Today is a good day. Nothing has really changed but me.

I had that moment this morning when my hair was too long. So I got my scissors and started cutting. The problem was that it was in the back, so I started something I really couldn't finish. I called Robin, and she came over with her coffee, and together we forged out a haircut. I am so cute now.

Since my life seems to never really settle in, I am always trying to figure out how to do that very thing. To rest. To be at peace and have this thing that I want. I don't know if I will have love or money or any real security of any kind. My future appears to be eating cat food and collecting aluminum cans. With a homemade haircut. But what I can have is Truth. My veritas. Not from others because they don't always offer that. But I can know my truth. I can look inside and see what I do. What I know. I can look back and know why. And if it's not good, I can change it. I know that I have today, and maybe tomorrow, but the past is what has formed me. Every year, day, and moment is who I am. I will not avoid it. Sometimes things are built wrong in the beginning, under the concrete. I know to get to the problem I may have to bust open the floor (or heart). It will be inconvenient. But it's how to do it the right way. Life is just like that.

I am moving toward the light. Wading across this river. I look back and see love. The kind of love that makes my heart hurt. But everybody is on the other side and wants me to cross over. To be who I am. So I'll do it. Against the current and reluctantly.

Spirits and whatnot.

Upon the recommendation of my mama, I have been watching the Long Island Medium. She told me she cries when she watches it. So I checked it out. I didn't cry. It was more like weeping for me.

I realize that people may think that the show is staged or fake. That's ok. If it is, I still like it. I am enthralled with the idea that these people are having their prayers answered. If anyone has lost someone very close, and especially suddenly, the biggest desperate desire is to please, please, please talk to them just one more time. Just a sign. Something. But for most people, it's just silent. Nothing. (And I believe it by the way.)

When I was 18, the young man that was then the love of my life died in a motorcycle accident. I will never forget the finality. The merciless silent end. I was lost. It changed me forever. I think my severe separation anxiety is linked to that shock. It's hard for me to let go.

I remember one night a couple of months after he died. I used to talk to him a lot when I was alone. It was just a habit to share everything with him. I was in bed and as some have learned, my feet were like ice. It was funny because I used to make Danny (his name) warm my feet. He would do it to be nice, but mostly so these ice cubes wouldn't accidentally touch him and wake him up. So I was laying there and thinking how much I would like that. I said out loud "wish you were here" or something like that. In the next moment it was as though a hot, not warm, blanket fresh from the dryer was wrapped around me feet. They got so hot, so suddenly...I wasn't afraid. I knew it was him.

Since then I have wondered about my daddy, grandparents, cousins, and of course, Danny. I don't feel like Danny has been around for a long time. I sometimes think my daddy is.

 I already have someone I want to be with in the afterlife. I don't think there is marriage in the afterlife, but maybe there will be this love. I have a hope that we will be whole then. Of course, I will be with my children. And Roux, Bradley.

 Roux will be there, too.

"Once upon a time, a woman was picking up firewood. She came upon a poisonous snake frozen in the snow. She took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day the snake bit her on the cheek. As she lay dying, she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me?" And the snake answered, "Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake."

Dear God,

I am hoping that you are hearing me these days. I will trust You with whatever happens. I figure You will give me the strength to accept things. Thank You .

karen

,,,

I am back from Baton Rouge. I had fun and learned once again that Home is inside of me.

I learned some things I did not want to learn. I have always believed that you can only face your worst fears once. After the first time, the shock and power is gone. I did that. Again. I have no words. I want peace and honesty. I want to be around people that have hearts. That's all.

Thank you to everyone that were so good to me this week. Kandi, Carole, Missi, my sweet Mom, Uncle Jon, my Evan. You all remind me that I am loved.