Well, I have crossed the bridge into 2015. We are here. I am so glad. Seriously.
Instead of talking about last year, reviewing, summing up, I think I will take Robin's advice and preview the coming year. Like a movie trailer.
When doing yoga, there are several poses that are a challenge. One in particular is Butterfly. That's ironic since I have a relationship with butterflies. But when in that pose, you are sitting up and putting the bottoms of your feet together causing your bent knees to loosely resemble butterfly wings as the insides of your thighs are screaming. At least mine do. But when I breathe and let go, I am able to go deeper into the pose, even bringing my chest to the floor. It appears that when I protect myself by holding on, it hurts more. But when I lean and breathe and surrender, the pain is less, and I can go further. I would have to acknowledge that what I thought was protection was just the opposite. And so, I lean into the discomfort, and it dissipates. And that is my general theme and hope for the coming year. Embracing the things that have scared me and leaning in to fears and pain. And watching them let go.
I am purposefully becoming aware of how I feel about myself. How I regard and speak to myself. Quite honestly, I have discovered that I would not want to be around someone that speaks to me like I have spoken to inner Karen. But not only have I not been kind, I think this has allowed me to put up with others doing the same. Debasing me to get love. Making myself small so as not to get in the way. The concept of self love has been as foreign to me as Mandarin Chinese, and my desire to understand it has to be compared to my interest in learning that language. But as I become mindful, I can see the patterns changing. The reversal of connections that I cannot even begin to see when they came to be. As I correct these things, this self talk, I feel differently. I not only respect myself, but I can't imagine allowing others to treat me unkindly. I know all about turning the other cheek. And I have embraced it. But I want to know about loving others as I love myself.
For the coming days, I am full of hope. Hope that I can and will prosper. Not just on the inside, but actually on the outside, too. I typically don't dare to think that I could have more. And so, I am grateful for it all. Leaning in to the discomfort and feeling the release. It's very exciting. I feel good.
