“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
C. S. Lewis

I remember when I created this little blog. It was 2006. We had just come back from Cooperstown, NY. Carole had been trying to get me to write, so I finally did it. I am glad I did.

My life is different now. I have been divorced, remarried, and now that has fallen apart. I am discouraged to say the least. I am tired. And very sad.

I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life and understand what in God's name happened. I am going to try to focus on my kids. They are my family. They are all I have got. And they love me. It's mutual.

I have lost more than I had to give. It's like I am in debt. I am different, but I believe that I will be better. I hope. My friends know I have changed. I show up in glimpses. Karen makes cameos.

So that's why I have nothing to say. I am too confused to make any sense. But I won't always be. I hope that I will be happy again. I hope that I can laugh from my soul like I used to. I hope I can beat my chest and howl at the moon. I hope I think I am worth it. I want to be joyful and smart. With some cash.

So I may come back, or maybe not. I love my porch.

I posted a borrowed prayer. That was not like me. So I'll do my own. I would like to think God sometimes checks this.

Dear God, It's me. I am so sorry. Love, Karen

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"