Saturday, August 31, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Love this. Nick Cave
People just ain't no good
I think that's well understood
You can see it everywhere you look
People just ain't no good
We were married under cherry trees
Under blossom we made pour vows
All the blossoms come sailing down
Through the streets and through the playgrounds
The sun would stream on the sheets
Awoken by the morning bird
We'd buy the Sunday newspapers
And never read a single word
Seasons came, seasons went
The winter stripped the blossoms bare
A different tree now lines the streets
Shaking it's fists in the air
The winter slammed us like a fist
The windows rattling in the gales
To which she drew the curtains
Made out of her wedding veils
People they ain't no good
To our love send a dozen white lilies
To our love send a coffin of wood
To our love let all the pink-eyed pigeons coo
That people they just ain't no good
To our love send back all the letters
To our love a valentine of blood
To our love let all the jilted lovers cry
That people they just ain't no good
It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They can comfort you, some even try
They nurse you when you're ill of health
They bury you when you go and die
It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They'd stick by you if they could
But that's just bullshit
People just ain't no good
I think that's well understood
You can see it everywhere you look
People just ain't no good
We were married under cherry trees
Under blossom we made pour vows
All the blossoms come sailing down
Through the streets and through the playgrounds
The sun would stream on the sheets
Awoken by the morning bird
We'd buy the Sunday newspapers
And never read a single word
Seasons came, seasons went
The winter stripped the blossoms bare
A different tree now lines the streets
Shaking it's fists in the air
The winter slammed us like a fist
The windows rattling in the gales
To which she drew the curtains
Made out of her wedding veils
People they ain't no good
To our love send a dozen white lilies
To our love send a coffin of wood
To our love let all the pink-eyed pigeons coo
That people they just ain't no good
To our love send back all the letters
To our love a valentine of blood
To our love let all the jilted lovers cry
That people they just ain't no good
It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They can comfort you, some even try
They nurse you when you're ill of health
They bury you when you go and die
It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They'd stick by you if they could
But that's just bullshit
People just ain't no good
Monday, August 19, 2013
on a more happy note
Things that I like or maybe love in no order of merit or affection...
Pretty Peggy Day, The Walking Dead, Holden Huggins' hair, the way the moon looks tonight, all of my friends (and they are, in fact, too many to name), the word pontificate, bathing in coconut oil, the Fall, my heart, the smell of man cologne, good books, walking on a beach by day or night, laughing with my children (they are funny people), good food, love songs when I can bear it, a witty exchange, the game called Ask Drunk Kenny Questions, my job, the sky in November, getting dressed up and feeling pretty, flowers, red wine, eclairs, and you.
Pretty Peggy Day, The Walking Dead, Holden Huggins' hair, the way the moon looks tonight, all of my friends (and they are, in fact, too many to name), the word pontificate, bathing in coconut oil, the Fall, my heart, the smell of man cologne, good books, walking on a beach by day or night, laughing with my children (they are funny people), good food, love songs when I can bear it, a witty exchange, the game called Ask Drunk Kenny Questions, my job, the sky in November, getting dressed up and feeling pretty, flowers, red wine, eclairs, and you.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Getting there
When I became pregnant for the first time, I became an expert. I wanted to know at every level what was happening to me, my precious baby, and how I could make every cell and nuance better. I was on a mission. I not only understood pregnancy and childbirth, but dove into breastfeeding and every developmental aspect I could get my mind around. I don't leave things to chance.
I did the same thing when I converted to a more devoted version of my faith when I was 18. Oh my. I wasn't just going to listen to some preacher or adhere to a code. I read for myself and purchased concordances and dictionaries that I could look for myself into the Hebrew and Greek meanings of words and phrases. I wanted historical and cultural contexts. And as a result, I do not base my life and heart on chance. I know what I believe. I am on the rock.
And so it goes....immunizations, education, the development of the character of my children, and on and on. Which brings me to now. I have been silent on the last few years of my life. I have been euphoric, high on oxytocin and dopamine (these are from our brain not the streets), confused, lied to, in a pathological nightmare. I have not said much, because honestly, I do not have a grasp of any of it.
Yet.
I am like a cowboy trying to keep a herd of cows together on my own. I am exhausted but the corral is just around the bend. And when I get there, my words and my actions will be prolific. I promise.
My cows have names. Cognitive dissonance, intrusive thoughts, dichotomy, and the worst, psychopathy. I am trying to learn about things I am in the midst of suffering from. Which is tricky. It's like waking up in a raging war and not knowing who the enemy is, what my weapons are, and by the way, I am losing and about to die. I am having to grasp what trauma bonding is, psychopathic exposure and discard, and learn the power of emotional addiction in my physical brain. My brain. Chemicals and shit. My God. I have always been afraid of cows.
But, knowledge has always been power for me. Knowing what the fuck is going on is a huge chunk of the battle. I am learning. A lot. And when I am in a place that I can clearly and eloquently tell my story, I will. I am respectful. And I will always be.
This has been the most emotionally draining, debilitating, disorienting, insidious experience of my life. Period. And I hope it remains to be since I am not in the mood to learn about pain anymore. I'm sure I am not done. But the beautiful thing is that God carries me. And when I am in the dark, He always says Polo when I say Marco. I will be fine.
Corrie Ten Boom's sister said in the concentration camp, "There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still. " Absolutely. I am not lost. I still have an honest heart, the capacity to love, the hope of mercy, and I know how to tell the truth and be sorry for hurting people. I am still sad, but I have power.
I did the same thing when I converted to a more devoted version of my faith when I was 18. Oh my. I wasn't just going to listen to some preacher or adhere to a code. I read for myself and purchased concordances and dictionaries that I could look for myself into the Hebrew and Greek meanings of words and phrases. I wanted historical and cultural contexts. And as a result, I do not base my life and heart on chance. I know what I believe. I am on the rock.
And so it goes....immunizations, education, the development of the character of my children, and on and on. Which brings me to now. I have been silent on the last few years of my life. I have been euphoric, high on oxytocin and dopamine (these are from our brain not the streets), confused, lied to, in a pathological nightmare. I have not said much, because honestly, I do not have a grasp of any of it.
Yet.
I am like a cowboy trying to keep a herd of cows together on my own. I am exhausted but the corral is just around the bend. And when I get there, my words and my actions will be prolific. I promise.
My cows have names. Cognitive dissonance, intrusive thoughts, dichotomy, and the worst, psychopathy. I am trying to learn about things I am in the midst of suffering from. Which is tricky. It's like waking up in a raging war and not knowing who the enemy is, what my weapons are, and by the way, I am losing and about to die. I am having to grasp what trauma bonding is, psychopathic exposure and discard, and learn the power of emotional addiction in my physical brain. My brain. Chemicals and shit. My God. I have always been afraid of cows.
But, knowledge has always been power for me. Knowing what the fuck is going on is a huge chunk of the battle. I am learning. A lot. And when I am in a place that I can clearly and eloquently tell my story, I will. I am respectful. And I will always be.
This has been the most emotionally draining, debilitating, disorienting, insidious experience of my life. Period. And I hope it remains to be since I am not in the mood to learn about pain anymore. I'm sure I am not done. But the beautiful thing is that God carries me. And when I am in the dark, He always says Polo when I say Marco. I will be fine.
Corrie Ten Boom's sister said in the concentration camp, "There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still. " Absolutely. I am not lost. I still have an honest heart, the capacity to love, the hope of mercy, and I know how to tell the truth and be sorry for hurting people. I am still sad, but I have power.
Thursday, August 08, 2013
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Monday, August 05, 2013
Can't control the quivering inside. Awesome.
Hit play. It's soooo good.
My Mom's favorite love song is In the Still of the Night. I love that one. I don't listen to love songs these days very often. It's too sad. But this is my all time favorite, and I am posting it because I have not only felt this, I hope I will again.
Maybe we only get to feel this once. If we are lucky. I cry when I hear it. And I am ok with that.
I like love.
Robin and I were talking today about how although we could and perhaps should be jaded, we still have hope. That ability to open up and give it all. How else is there? Guarded and heartless is no way to live. I prefer to give love, and maybe, just maybe, it will be the groovy kind.
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