Getting there

When I became pregnant for the first time, I became an expert. I wanted to know at every level what was happening to me, my precious baby, and how I could make every cell and nuance better. I was on a mission. I not only understood pregnancy and childbirth, but dove into breastfeeding and every developmental aspect I could get my mind around. I don't leave things to chance.

I did the same thing when I converted to a more devoted version of my faith when I was 18. Oh my. I wasn't just going to listen to some preacher or adhere to a code. I read for myself and purchased concordances and dictionaries that I could look for myself into the Hebrew and Greek meanings of words and phrases. I wanted historical and cultural contexts. And as a result, I do not base my life and heart on chance. I know what I believe. I am on the rock.

And so it goes....immunizations, education, the development of the character of my children, and on and on. Which brings me to now. I have been silent on the last few years of my life. I have been euphoric, high on oxytocin and dopamine (these are from our brain not the streets), confused, lied to, in a pathological nightmare. I have not said much, because honestly, I do not have a grasp of any of it.

 Yet.

 I am like a cowboy trying to keep a herd of cows together on my own. I am exhausted but the corral is just around the bend. And when I get there, my words and my actions will be prolific. I promise.

My cows have names. Cognitive dissonance, intrusive thoughts, dichotomy, and the worst, psychopathy. I am trying to learn about things I am in the midst of suffering from. Which is tricky. It's like waking up in a raging war and not knowing who the enemy is, what my weapons are, and by the way, I am losing and about to die. I am having to grasp what trauma bonding is, psychopathic exposure and discard, and learn the power of emotional addiction in my physical brain. My brain. Chemicals and shit.  My God. I have always been afraid of cows.

But, knowledge has always been power for me. Knowing what the fuck is going on is a huge chunk of the battle. I am learning. A lot. And when I am in a place that I can clearly and eloquently tell my story, I will. I am respectful. And I will always be.

This has been the most emotionally draining, debilitating, disorienting, insidious experience of my life. Period. And I hope it remains to be since I am not in the mood to learn about pain anymore. I'm sure I am not done. But the beautiful thing is that God carries me. And when I am in the dark, He always says Polo when I say Marco. I will be fine.

Corrie Ten Boom's sister said in the concentration camp, "There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still. " Absolutely. I am not lost. I still have an honest heart, the capacity to love, the hope of mercy, and I know how to tell the truth and be sorry for hurting people. I am still sad, but I have power.