Meekly Howling at the Moon. And Beating my Chest Just a Little.

¹man·i·fes·to

 noun \ˌma-nə-ˈfes-(ˌ)tō\

: a written statement that describes the policies, goals, and opinions of a person or group

 

I do this every now and then. I like to clarify my policies, goals, and opinions. To myself. Sometimes these rants are motivated by anger, and I type it all out, post it, and then delete it. It's like I drain the poison on unsuspecting, good natured people. That's no way to live.

 

But I am manifesting today regardless. I am not mad. Not at all. Not even sad, which is delightful. I have not been sad now for quite a run, and I am not cocky about it. I am like the person at the zoo that found out the hard way NOT to tap on the glass at the reptile exhibit. I get it. I will observe the snakes in an orderly fashion or avoid the whole damn building.

 

So this is the deal. I have gifts. They are intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. We all have them, and feel free to elaborate on yours in the comment box. I would love to read about them. But mine are here, too. I say that because I am learning that I have been willing, my whole life, to diminish my gifts to receive love. Unfortunately my little plan NEVER works. It goes something like this: I find an impossible source of love. One that is doomed and flawed from the get go. Then I pour my heart out in an attempt to fix this situation. Nothing gets fixed, but I got to act out my tragic cycle. Yuk. So God (insert whatever entity you adhere to) allowed me to get my fill. I am talking Thanksgiving full. I have been in a scenario where I cannot disappear enough. There is no bottom, no point too low, the Who on Horten's clover. I have met my match. My martyr abilities (and I am good) have been sucked dry. And graciously, I concede. After all, a person's a person no matter how small. Thank God for Horten.

 

I am Karen Marie Louque Miller. I am smart, funny, highly observant, loving, empathetic, vulnerable, and intimate. I know things. I feel lies. I have my entire life. They, the lies, create an energy that even the best of liars cannot control. And I have seen some of the best. I rarely speak of this, because there is no need. It's no party trick. I am digressing....Anyway, I see things. I can communicate, and my heart is pretty good. I hate organized group exercise. I like sex. I am not only tired of becoming invisible to be loved (wtf?), but I am done with it. I am going to flourish. I will ask my questions about the past, the present, and the future. I expect to be treated with respect. I will respect myself. And in the end, if I am left being my own "girl", then so be it. I would rather walk through whatever is left of my allotted time being honest. I am honest. It physically hurts to be any other way.

 

Thank you, God, for making me drink way more than I could handle. You dared me to do one or two more shots of tequila. Everyone was watching, and You knew it would make me sick. I woke up not knowing where I was, and my pants were gone. Tequila. My hangover is still lingering, but that's probably good, too. Good luck to everybody in your journey toward wholeness, enlightenment, or just peace and contentment. I am like Rabbit when he tried to lose Tigger in the woods. I am humbled. Forever. God thinks I am worth this. And for the first time, I truly do, too.

 

 

10,000 Reasons

I do not understand the inner workings of my heart, although I am always trying, trying, trying. My bedroom looks like the Uni-bomber headquarters for psychology, prayer, and extreme coping. There are books, handwritten lists, my laptop, crystals, Kleenex, and good vibes. I am not a good candidate for having my heart thrown away. Figured that shit out.  I must know why, how, when, and I just can't allow that to happen again. It won't.

I have strong days and setbacks (real or perceived). I look toward the east and then think the west may suit me. What a friggin' trip this has been.

Through it all, my faith is here. Not only here, but validated, justified, girded. God reminds me all day that my fragile state is what it's always been. We are all on the brink of getting our ass kicked. We are all a moment away from that phone call, that pain or someone else's, that metaphoric or actual blow to the ribs that takes your breath away. I can enjoy the happy minutes. And I will.

The path to enlightenment is long and interesting. But I am glad to be holding the hand of my God. As Evan and I like to maintain, the injured are dangerous. They know they can survive.

Absolutely.

Love Salmon

Today is another day in our existence. Another chance to live well. I am in a struggle these days. I hate that my blog is sometimes a little sad. But since this is my small history, I can be true to that. Maybe by putting these events and nuances and dreams into words, I will make some sense. At the very least, I will record it. Interpretation is relative. It's my teeny weeny, well intended contribution to this Road.

Each day is this long journey of emotion and spirit and psychological hills and valleys. I am a hopeful person. I believe that anything can be fixed and that with enough love, there is nothing that can't be healed. I am just having to adjust my definition of fixed and healed. Evidently, it's broader than my scope. Who knew?

Love.

 It covers the multitude of sins. It is the greatest of all the gifts. In the end , it will be everything, so it's where we are all heading. In this great human migration. We are all collectively and autonomously moving toward It. Some of us are looking down, some up. Many are just swept in the  tide not aware that they are in a great, deep current. Some of us have been chosen to swim against the current. To miraculously break ourselves and still get there. Like salmon, we will fight, unwind, jump obstacles, injure ourselves against all odds for the undeniable urge to get home. And die. That is how it feels for me. I have this love in me. It is tragic and beautiful. But my course just won't be altered. I will see this love through. Like all of us. Some will just carry on, swept away in this enormous group of light and dark. They can't or won't acknowledge that we are all moving. But I can see. I prefer to see. Love is at the end. Or in the center. And God is Love.

I am learning how to pray. Again. For this time. Right now is just to be healed. To be filled up and given strength. I hope soon I will have enough light to shine again on others. I hope after all this I will be warm enough to warm someone else. I pray for truth, light, and for those that probably have no hope. Can't help myself.

God is good to me. I will accept all of this.