Sad. Sorry.

I am reading a lot about trauma these days. Trauma in the sense of loss and grieving. Not the death of a loved one, but a loss of hope for my future with someone. Loss of innocent love and trust. Loss of all that I thought was real and all that I put into it. Another kind of death. I am always hoping that with enough understanding and knowledge I can perhaps lessen the painful effects of the losses I have experienced. And so it goes.

I used to look at the stages of grief as a map of sorts. Like some steps that you go through on your way to acceptance after a loss. While true, I never really looked at the stages as healthy in and of themselves. Like Denial. That just sounds like a bad idea. But I am learning that denial is actually the mind's way of dealing with traumatic loss. At first it's just too much to even admit. So our brains protect us from the reality. Then comes bargaining and anger. Each stage helps process the pain and bring it to its rightful place in our memories. Acceptance.

I have lost what I thought was my love. A friend told me recently that it takes five years to recover from the kind of heartbreak that I have been going through. I was not encouraged, but quickly started doing math. I have a solid three years of heartbreak under my belt as of today in this situation. So two more, and if I can learn quickly......please God. Maybe I can get out on parole for the merit of trying so hard to overcome. I know my friends are wondering why this has taken so long. Why am I still so sad? Honestly, nobody wonders more than I do. But here I am.

And so, I will keep trying. Everyday is a new chance to get up and get better. I will not give up. And I will get through these times.