Happy Birthday, Honey!

Honey Renee' Harvey. My first girl. I had to fight hard for the name Honey. Your name is in honor of big sisters. I used to call Kay Lynn "Honey" when I was little, and Brad's older sister was named Renee'. My Honey.

You were my first home birth. January 26, 1996. Sheri Daigle was the midwife who delivered you. We lived on Welcome Heights Road in Central. You were born at 7:34 in the morning. The sun was coming up. As always, I was so happy that you arrived.

A girl coming on the scene was a big deal. In a house of boys, it was so much fun to dress someone in pink. I must have changed your outfits 3 times a day. You, like Evan, were a thumb sucker. Loved it. You also liked to blow some really big spit bubbles in your car seat.

One of my favorite moments when you were about 1 was when I walked in the toy room and saw you breast feeding a Darth Vader doll. I knew that Vader missed out on the nurturing moments in his childhood. I also knew that I needed to get you a baby doll.

When you were 3, you wanted your ears pierced. Uncle Vance bought your earrings. (The biggest "diamonds" they had.) It was a big deal, and everyone was there at Claires to see it happen. Vance called you Lulu then, because you had told me one day that your name was, in fact, Lulu. And so it was...

I still have your first drawing that blew me away. It's the one with the people at the grave crying, an angel looking down on them, and a friendly family of gophers living busily right beneath the surface. You were 2, and your drawing ability was already better that mine. Since then, you have amazed so many people. I get so many comments and compliments on your art. You are gifted. It is incredible.

Your common sense and honesty are some of your best qualities. You are the voice of reason. Many times Miss Robin, Miss Diana, Miss April, and I have thoroughly enjoyed your no nonsense approach to life. It is classic.

I am a lucky Mom. Not only have I gotten to watch you so far, but I get to see what you will do with your gifts. You are beautiful, and yes, you got my hair. I am so sorry. But it honestly looks good on you. I can't wait to read your first published novel, fully illustrated by you. You are my Honey Bee. I love you with all my heart. I am right here.

Love, Mom

Evan

Evan so far
January 21, 2010

It was about 1:oo in the morning when it all began. We had gone that day to pick up Kandi and Micah from the Jacksonville Airport and then spent the day watching movies and hanging out. We lived in the trailer on Granny and Papa’s property. We lived in the middle of nowhere. Of freakin’ nowhere.

Anyway, I planned to have you at the Birth Center in Gainesville. Andrew was born there, and the midwives were awesome. So, back to the labor. You emerged very quickly. I had one contraction, then suddenly another. I realized this was going to be fast, and we all loaded up and headed to Gainesville. I remember thinking that the pain was way too overwhelming so early in the labor, and I was trying to figure out how I was going to do this. When we got there I found out that I was completely ready to give birth. That explained the intense pain. And so you were pushed out into the world. Evan Louque Harvey. My fast birth.

You were a thumb sucker. I loved that because I am lazy and thought it was wonderful that you could always console yourself. You also loved to wrap hair around your fingers while you sucked your thumb. This got on my nerves when you plucked hair out of the nape of my neck for your purposes. You did that a lot.

You and Micah used to fight so much. You hated each other. This caused some arguments between me and Kandi (if you can imagine). I am so glad the two of you love each other now. Kandi and I survived, too.

You talked in articulate sentences sooner than any of the others. You also always attracted girls. It was weird, but girls in the play land or the park would always want to hold your hand or play with you. I felt like this would be trouble one day.

We started calling you Rooster when you were still in diapers. It started as Evan Roo, then Rooster. It fit you well. You always had a confidence or an attitude. Not a bad one. Just a presence. You will always be my Rooster.

When we moved to Florida, you started playing baseball and football more seriously. I got to watch you move up and play with the big boys more times than I wanted to. But you kept up every time. I was always happy to see you with guys your own age, because I knew you were more than ready.

The Krush days were great. You were catching and every game I sat right behind the plate. (Where you could hear my big mouth.) I loved every minute of it and would do all of that over again. I love watching you play ball.

You are compassionate, smart, strong, hard working, and unselfish. I am more proud of you everyday. I am most proud of your honesty to me and your great sense of humor. You are not afraid to say you are wrong. You are perfect to me. You can look at people and know how they feel, and that is something I have tried to instill in you since day one. You are a success in the most important ways. You love your family, your friends, Chelsea, and ME!! I could not ask for more. I don’t see you nearly enough, but there is no bigger Evan fan. No one. There is no one that loves you more or is willing to die or live for you. There is nothing too big or difficult. We will find a way. You dream it. I will drive you there.

I love you with all of me, son. Please know that I am in your corner. I will always be here in some way. You cannot do anything to make me love you less. Nothing. We are going to make mistakes. It’s ok. Brush your knees off and keep going. Happy Birthday. I thank God for you. You don't need to look, think, or act like me. I like you being you. Whatever that may look like. You are my boy.

Love, Karen

To all of my old friends, new friends, real ones, and the other ones- I am under construction. There is caution tape all around, so don't go milling around. You may step in something or get hurt. I believe many things, but I am changing and growing and do not know what I'll be when He is finished. Jennifer Knapp always says it well. Love to all.


There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
It presses harsh hope against time
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
Who only want to rob you blind
They steal away any sense of peace
Though I'm a king I'm a king on my knees
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
As the darkness covers me

Chorus-

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid
To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness
I have a kingdom to gain
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light
Oh I am not afraid
To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Oh I... am, I...

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
Than I thought I had given away
They linger in closets and under my bed
And in pictures less proudly displayed
A great fool in my life I have been
Have squandered till pallid and thin
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
For the darkness I know I've let win

(Chorus)

Can you hear me? (repeat 6x)

Well I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will
To reveal all of You that I can

(Chorus)

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
It presses harsh hope against time...

Pretty

Needing to be content with me. That's all.

MLK, Jr.

So many people are misinformed about the Civil Rights movement. People do not realize that in the midst of so much hatred, violence, and absolute ignorance, Martin Luther King, Jr was an advocate of non violence and peace. I love this man. I have watched Eyes on the Prize so many times, and I always make my kids come in and watch it, too. If you have never read his I Have a Dream speech, or better, listened to it, you should. There are other great speeches by him as well. He was a great man in a desperate time. He's one of my heroes. He was human and not perfect, but walked out the difficult path that was chosen for him. Gandalf said it, Carole.
Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

Peace to all!

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

It's already the middle of January of 2010! I am doing ok and anticipating the closure that will come with my divorce being final. I will be glad to shut that door and rebuild my life with my kids and loved ones. I am not proud or happy about it. It's not what I set out to do, and certainly not what my children ever wanted or deserved. But here I am. I will always feel the guilt of knowing that the road to my freedom from sadness was straight through the hearts of my children. I never intended that. I would have died in every way before I did this to them. Life is so hard. I regret everthing and nothing at the same time.

On a lighter, more cheerful note: I love Tracy more than strawberries. More than the stars in the night sky and more than the silly things that I can say. (That last one is impressive to some.) I am amazed everyday at what a good man he is. A very good man. We have been together 4 months today. I don't get to see him much, but I talk to him everyday. He is beautiful inside and out.

I hope the days are shaping up well for you. We only get to do this once, so make it count.

Beautiful

This is a painting done by my dear friend Carole. I love it so much. It was inspired from a photo taken in Africa by Dean.

Happy New Year!

New Year, new hope.
It's always good to put away the past and look forward to the coming year.
Be kinder to people, be more generous, more humble, more authentic. Get out and move, exercise, eat some fruit, and stay away from bright red weenies. Stop smoking, take naps, play chess. Love fully and desperately. Laugh at yourself. Be treated well.
I love you.