Peanuts and drinking wine with God

Honey, as some know, is trying her hand at raising bunnies. A rabbitry of small and monumental proportions. When Mama Bunny gestated and took on the high calling (motherhood), she had 4 sweet little ones to show for it. But one was doomed from the get go. It was a Peanut. A Peanut is a bunny that will never grow. It's little head is a wee bit too big, giving the little guy the shape and form of the name. You can try to nurture a Peanut, but in the end it will die. No chance.

My marriage was a Peanut. I died many times trying to keep that bunny alive, but no can do. I remember when I filed for divorce and saw the words "irretrievably broken". Wow. That's one way to say it. I knew this already. Had known it for many years. But what I was not prepared for and will never be "over" is irretrievably breaking the hearts of my kids. To say that it kills me is a great understatement. More like putting my beating heart through a meat grinder and walking around like that. All the time. I can see in each person (my children) the effects of my failed attempts. They are all different, but each grapples and struggles and manifests in different ways. I can only watch, pray, and cry way too much. They each literally saved my life by just being conceived. They are proof that God loves me. The only evidence I will ever need. If God walked in right now and suggested that we sit down, have a glass of wine, and chat, it would not solidify his existence any greater to me. I see him all the time. I do his laundry, if you will...I have all I need. But if I lose it all tomorrow, it's enough that I once had it. I can't ask for more than that. That is how my faith goes.

Some may think I'm a little dramatic. That's fair. I have never met a sadness that I did not embrace and try to figure out. Not sure why. I need to feel your pain for some friggin' reason. But I can truthfully say that unless you have been down this road, you just do not know. I deliberately created a home for my children. I thought of everything (too much). They are left with a hole. It sickens me. It was inevitable.

The good news is, they will get through it. Pain and hardship really do build good things in a person. I am not the source of life for them. God is. They will figure all this out and be better for it. If love does, in fact, cover the multitude of wrong, then it's only a matter of time. I am not the first mother to watch a child hurt. Mary did it well. I hope I can learn the lessons I am suppose to learn so I can close this chapter. Peace to all who are walking this out. You know who you are.

Happy Birthday, Andrew. : )