To do?

When thinking about what to do in life, I don't like the term "bucket list." It sounds like I'm headed to the barn to feed the animals with my list of grain and corn and sloshing through manure and mud. My shoes are getting messed up, and I should have worn a jacket. And the cows are staring at me. But I do like to think about what I would like to do or live or experience in the next 40 years or so.

I want to go to sleep every night with Tracy. Door shut. The world outside. Just big strong arms and the sound of his breathing. I will never take one of those moments for granted.

I want to go back to NYC. I like that place. A lot.

I want to take some semi naked pictures of myself. Yeah, that's right. I said it. (And many people gasp! and say she really has lost her mind. Which makes it fun,) Anyway, just something to remind myself later that I was pretty or sexual or uninhibited. It may just be too late. I'm not talking about Polaroids. Dear God. I mean real photographs. And, by the way, I like the word naked better than nude. Naked sounds more authentic. Nothing to hide. Nude sounds like there are cosmetics and lighting creating an illusion. Just me. Nude sounds like a Revlon eye concealer. Naked is "here it is".

I want to stop being haunted by my memories and imagination. This probably requires hypnosis or an exorcism.

I want to write a book. For my kids to know me. If they want to. But I have to get over the fear of offending the people I would write about. I think I will get over that one. I am finding that people are not always worth all the consideration I attribute to them. The truth is just the plain ole truth, and I can tell it if I choose to. I am finding that people who are hell bent to judge or misunderstand me will do so no matter what. Their choice and not my problemo.

I want to go to sleep one night with the knowledge that my kids are living life on their own terms, sustaining themselves, and being loved.

I want to just live. Eat, drink, laugh. dance sometimes, love and be loved. Watch sunsets, look for 4 leaf clovers, read good books, look at art, take naps, and see God in all of it.