Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

There are a lot of good things that happened this year. Evan graduated from high school, I went to school and got my massage therapy license, Honey loves me again, I lost my guilt, and I moved out and into my own home with Bradley as my accomplice. But like I have said, it was a year of sadness, of lost hope, of rejection and confusion. It has been exhausting. I am so glad it has a name. 2012.

 I am finished with you, 2012.

So when asked about my resolution for 2013, I have a few. I am determined to see the world through healthy eyes. To evaluate my self with love and acceptance and awareness. I am hopeful that I can be at least on the road to being whole and smart and good and, well, holy. Holy to me will be living with no guilt, no regret, no ignoring my small voice that says this is good and this is bad. My Jiminy Cricket. I will have expectations and hope. I will.

I want to listen to love songs. I want to juice carrots and apples and take care of my body. I want to run and ride a bike and do my yoga. I want to pray more and learn to meditate the way that is right for me. I want to not live in fear of being lied to. I want to read again. Everyday. I will change these patterns, these cycles. I will howl at the moon. Well no. I will more likely look at the stars and put my hand on my heart and cry.

I will be present in this moment. Right here, right now, with you.

Happiest of New Years. Come quickly, 2013. Sweep me off my feet.

“If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” Bob Marley

I had surgery, and Christmas has come and gone. I have had what I consider to be a hard time with recovery. I guess I thought I would jump up and be fine. Ha! I am addicted to caffeine, I am terrible with anesthesia, and I really hate drugs. I faced all these things this last week. But here I am.

I am tired. I have lots of things on my mind, but not the energy to type them right now. I will. Love you all. I really do. Good Night.

12/13

I have found the secret of running the drive thru on a busy night at JBBQ. It's Monster energy drinks. I was on fire last night.

The countdown to my surgery is underway. Dave noted that without my uterus I will have a full moustache in 6 months. Although not completely accurate, it did give me pause. Tracy will dump me for sure, but I can be quite an attraction. The bearded massage lady. I don't know. I am going to mention it to Dr. Tyler....

Yesterday marked my beautiful Mama's birthday and sadly my Daddy's passing away. It's been 71 years and 10 respectively. I worked a double yesterday. I focused on the present and little miracles happened. It was a good day.

That's all for now. Going back to the BBQ. I love the people I get to work with. Last night I bummed a cigarette off of one of the girls. I felt a little masochistic and thought it would be better than cutting myself. I was right! I got through half of it and remembered why I don't smoke. It smells bad and makes me cough. So I took a bath with a drink and went to bed.

The end.

2012 (to be followed by, you guessed it...)

I guess for me the surest and truest way to know that I am found is to first see that I was lost. Maybe found is not the right word, because it implies another person or entity discovered me, and is perhaps guiding me or leading me out of some place. No. I am not found. I am finding my way. Myself. No offense to my God. He seems to be watching from a distance like a parent letting a child swim across the pool without floaties. He will let me get some water up my nose, but He won't let me drown. I am noticing some familiar trees and bushes on the trail. I am noticing which way the sun is traveling through sky, and so I know which way is west. That is 2012.

I have worked my ass off at a part time job, gone to school, and raised children and loved them with the fractured soul that I have been. I have cried more than is healthy and have seen the outer edge of my limits. I have flirted with insanity at a few moments, but I don't like her. She's a fickle mistress. A bitch. But I am not diminished. She taught me that. I am not sorry for flipping over the table. Sometimes it's necessary.

I have left it all on the field. I have given all I had this lovely year. I have had the beautiful pleasure of listening to a poised speech by Evan in front of hundreds of people.. I have listened to the creative genius of Andrew, and have rejoiced over his sweet Chelsea. I have looked upon the artistic ability of Honey with awe and tears. I have seen the heart of Isabelle, and I am here for her. I have been saved by Bradley. I have noticed with awe that my guilt is gone. The unrelenting, merciless rock that was on my back. The one that told me that I had irreparably damaged the hearts and minds of my kids. The one that said I let them down with no hope of recovery. It's gone. GONE!!!! It happened in October. I have aged. My face is different. My heart will never be the same. I am just Karen Marie.

My love has been given. Without reserve. I have loved in 2012. I am not ashamed. I am ready to move on. I am doing just that. God, please help me. And even if it doesn't look like You are, I still believe.

(from This Years Love, David Gray)

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on?

In Utero

On December 18th, I get to have my uterus removed. As an awesome friend of mine said, I am having a vasectomy. Yes. Yes I am.

People who know and care about me immediately realized the significance. My uterus. It may as well be my heart. As Bradley said, it has housed all of them. It has been the warm safe place for all of my kids to be formed and come into this crazy world. It has been the expression of motherhood and being a woman for a long great time. I am alpha uterus. For a little while longer.

It makes me think of the passing of time and things. The flow of life that never stops. I will put it behind me and mourn a little bit for the good. I do that. I will give it it's fair due. I have realized that my life has been about me holding so many things together in my own warm safe karen place. I seem to have created what I want, and then I solely have to keep it going. I have to nurture it and do everthing required to keep up the illusion. I have done this in marriage and love and life. I will put that away, too. I am way too willing to carry it all in the hope that it will be reciprocated. It doesn't work that way for me. I just end up desperately and frantically being the driving force in all things love. I hope I can get away from that. My heart is broken. Changed.

So 2013 is coming, and I will write my summary of it. Of Her. I will be honest so I can remember. I will put it all in words so it will be truth that I can't deny.

The future is unsure, but I will choose to imagine it to be shiny. Free, prosperous, and maybe I will learn about love. I hope so.

My Massage Therapy group!