2012 (to be followed by, you guessed it...)

I guess for me the surest and truest way to know that I am found is to first see that I was lost. Maybe found is not the right word, because it implies another person or entity discovered me, and is perhaps guiding me or leading me out of some place. No. I am not found. I am finding my way. Myself. No offense to my God. He seems to be watching from a distance like a parent letting a child swim across the pool without floaties. He will let me get some water up my nose, but He won't let me drown. I am noticing some familiar trees and bushes on the trail. I am noticing which way the sun is traveling through sky, and so I know which way is west. That is 2012.

I have worked my ass off at a part time job, gone to school, and raised children and loved them with the fractured soul that I have been. I have cried more than is healthy and have seen the outer edge of my limits. I have flirted with insanity at a few moments, but I don't like her. She's a fickle mistress. A bitch. But I am not diminished. She taught me that. I am not sorry for flipping over the table. Sometimes it's necessary.

I have left it all on the field. I have given all I had this lovely year. I have had the beautiful pleasure of listening to a poised speech by Evan in front of hundreds of people.. I have listened to the creative genius of Andrew, and have rejoiced over his sweet Chelsea. I have looked upon the artistic ability of Honey with awe and tears. I have seen the heart of Isabelle, and I am here for her. I have been saved by Bradley. I have noticed with awe that my guilt is gone. The unrelenting, merciless rock that was on my back. The one that told me that I had irreparably damaged the hearts and minds of my kids. The one that said I let them down with no hope of recovery. It's gone. GONE!!!! It happened in October. I have aged. My face is different. My heart will never be the same. I am just Karen Marie.

My love has been given. Without reserve. I have loved in 2012. I am not ashamed. I am ready to move on. I am doing just that. God, please help me. And even if it doesn't look like You are, I still believe.

(from This Years Love, David Gray)

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on?