In Utero

On December 18th, I get to have my uterus removed. As an awesome friend of mine said, I am having a vasectomy. Yes. Yes I am.

People who know and care about me immediately realized the significance. My uterus. It may as well be my heart. As Bradley said, it has housed all of them. It has been the warm safe place for all of my kids to be formed and come into this crazy world. It has been the expression of motherhood and being a woman for a long great time. I am alpha uterus. For a little while longer.

It makes me think of the passing of time and things. The flow of life that never stops. I will put it behind me and mourn a little bit for the good. I do that. I will give it it's fair due. I have realized that my life has been about me holding so many things together in my own warm safe karen place. I seem to have created what I want, and then I solely have to keep it going. I have to nurture it and do everthing required to keep up the illusion. I have done this in marriage and love and life. I will put that away, too. I am way too willing to carry it all in the hope that it will be reciprocated. It doesn't work that way for me. I just end up desperately and frantically being the driving force in all things love. I hope I can get away from that. My heart is broken. Changed.

So 2013 is coming, and I will write my summary of it. Of Her. I will be honest so I can remember. I will put it all in words so it will be truth that I can't deny.

The future is unsure, but I will choose to imagine it to be shiny. Free, prosperous, and maybe I will learn about love. I hope so.