I've been told over the years (or maybe I just thought it) that when you you lose someone, you know, to death, that it leaves a void or hole in your heart. It changes you permanently. Can't be filled or repaired. Just a hole.
Daddy has been gone now for, well, almost 5 years. I think of him everyday. I hear his voice warning me of bad neighborhoods; telling me to give people hell (I try); we would have discussed so many war documentaries by now. He could say outlandishly closed-minded things and I could get exasperated. His voice is very clear to me, his laugh (or snicker), his hair. His tenacious love and loyalty to his grandkids-I really wish he could see Andrew play his guitar, or see Evan cock his gun (arm) and then throw somebody out stealing second. Bradley still hears him. We laugh all the time at PawPaw's take on some subjects. I guess I mostly miss having someone love me like that. I miss him walking around completely making a difference wherever he was.
Anne Lamott, my favorite modern author, once wrote that "you will eventually lose someone that you can't live without." Yep. That's it. That is where I am today and tomorrow. Death sucks and love is wonderful. I know it's just part of life.
I am sad for your sadness but like you said, your dad loved you and that is a good thing to have to remember.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lil Sis. I usually try to wait until afternoon to have my cry for the day. Now that my makeups running I probably won't find a man today.
ReplyDeletelove,
kay lynn