I miss my father sometimes. I do today. Not because I want him to take care of me. I just enjoyed him. But not when I was a child. He struggled with depression and abusive tendencies my whole life. The holes that were carved out of me took years to understand and fill. But I understand it all now. He was imperfect, and I loved him. I am not afraid to say that he was abusive. He was. The truth doesn't dishonor people. It makes you free.
It has a lot to do with why I love the flaws in people so much. Well, maybe not the actual flaws, but the people that don't hide them. I will take the ugly truth any day over a facade. I don't need to change you. I prefer not to try that freaky trick. I'm not God. I will just love you or at least feel sorry for you (my strategy with annoying people). I have accepted that there are some that just do not care about me even though they claim to. It's OK. It's an eye opening kick to the stomach when you see it. I can remember several milestones throughout my life where I had those epiphanies. As a child, in my teens, through my adult years, even today. I am at peace. You don't have to love me. I love me, and that's enough. It really is just fine.
Kare, I simply LOVE your writing. Even when you have something surprising to say, I love it because it always comes from your heart. I must say that I admire you for loving your dad and missing him depite the abuse. I had a hard time because I didn't miss my dad. What was wrong with me? But after a time, I came to miss him. I could remember the younger dad and not the one who never allowed me to have an opinion. I so wish I could spend time with you and meet Tracy. He sounds like a dream. You deserve him!
ReplyDeleteOh, he is a dream. Thank you for the comment! Nothing is wrong with you, by the way, for not missing or missing or whatever. We all have to deal with truth however we need to.
ReplyDeleteKaren, I can't tell you just how much this post 'hit home' with me. My father was also abusive (not to me, to my mother) but I still love him and miss him. I recently began therapy hoping that I can learn how to "accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
ReplyDeletePeople, and for me especially, those who "claim" to love you, are the very ones who are so vicious and toxic. You are an inspiration!
My dearest Karen, I pull from your strength in your comments and always want more. LOL! You are an inspiration to me. Memories can be painful, but they are what makes us wise and gives us strength as we grow. I think we all grow a tougher skin, but things still sink through and stay with us for a while. But, I think that once we stop feeling, we stop living. I Love you, Karen and am always proud to sit on your porch!
ReplyDeletePam Hall
Love you, too, Pam. Thank you. Life is good.
ReplyDelete>>>exhaling<<<
ReplyDeleteThis is the best description of my inner feelings I have EVER read in my entire life! You can't begin to imagine how free I feel from the weights I've been carrying on my shoulders through the years! My dad wasn't abusive, he just never acknowledged my birth, my growth, my needs and I feel, ultimately, my existence in the world...not until he was dying...did he speak to me as the woman I grew to be. He said, "You can do anything you want to!" He was at that time, acknowledging what he had witnessed me do over the years that he wasn't supportive of me doing such as: I drove a school bus in High School as a student myself, I joined the USAF and traveled the world for 10yrs (against his approval) and in 1990,as he sat in the backyard smoking a cigarette, I pulled up driving a Kenworth tractor trailer with a flatbed trailer full of freight destined for Baltimore, Md. lol OMG!! If you could've seen the look in his eyes as he almost fell out of that chair!! lol You see, my dad was himself, a Truck Driver..that's what he's always been. I didn't know at a young age but deep inside, that's what I wanted to be..just like my dad. Problem was...I was a girl child and he didn't know what to do with me. The pain was unimaginable for so long. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and allowing me to express mine. Now that I've proven myself to my dad and he's since passed on, I too have a blog. Check it out if you need anything for your family. It's an e/Commerce blog for Amazon.com. Thank you for freeing my soul! God bless you and your family and friends. I love your spirit!
Wow, Donna. I will go to your blog. So happy I stumbled across your heart, dear. I love your story. And you can do anything. I admire your bravery for just going for it. My lawyer told me the other day that I am a survivor. I was like, "i need so amny people!" and he said, yes, you know how to make it however you need to for your kids. Set me free a little, too. oh, what is your blog address?
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