crossing

Today is a good day. Nothing has really changed but me.

I had that moment this morning when my hair was too long. So I got my scissors and started cutting. The problem was that it was in the back, so I started something I really couldn't finish. I called Robin, and she came over with her coffee, and together we forged out a haircut. I am so cute now.

Since my life seems to never really settle in, I am always trying to figure out how to do that very thing. To rest. To be at peace and have this thing that I want. I don't know if I will have love or money or any real security of any kind. My future appears to be eating cat food and collecting aluminum cans. With a homemade haircut. But what I can have is Truth. My veritas. Not from others because they don't always offer that. But I can know my truth. I can look inside and see what I do. What I know. I can look back and know why. And if it's not good, I can change it. I know that I have today, and maybe tomorrow, but the past is what has formed me. Every year, day, and moment is who I am. I will not avoid it. Sometimes things are built wrong in the beginning, under the concrete. I know to get to the problem I may have to bust open the floor (or heart). It will be inconvenient. But it's how to do it the right way. Life is just like that.

I am moving toward the light. Wading across this river. I look back and see love. The kind of love that makes my heart hurt. But everybody is on the other side and wants me to cross over. To be who I am. So I'll do it. Against the current and reluctantly.