Spirits and whatnot.

Upon the recommendation of my mama, I have been watching the Long Island Medium. She told me she cries when she watches it. So I checked it out. I didn't cry. It was more like weeping for me.

I realize that people may think that the show is staged or fake. That's ok. If it is, I still like it. I am enthralled with the idea that these people are having their prayers answered. If anyone has lost someone very close, and especially suddenly, the biggest desperate desire is to please, please, please talk to them just one more time. Just a sign. Something. But for most people, it's just silent. Nothing. (And I believe it by the way.)

When I was 18, the young man that was then the love of my life died in a motorcycle accident. I will never forget the finality. The merciless silent end. I was lost. It changed me forever. I think my severe separation anxiety is linked to that shock. It's hard for me to let go.

I remember one night a couple of months after he died. I used to talk to him a lot when I was alone. It was just a habit to share everything with him. I was in bed and as some have learned, my feet were like ice. It was funny because I used to make Danny (his name) warm my feet. He would do it to be nice, but mostly so these ice cubes wouldn't accidentally touch him and wake him up. So I was laying there and thinking how much I would like that. I said out loud "wish you were here" or something like that. In the next moment it was as though a hot, not warm, blanket fresh from the dryer was wrapped around me feet. They got so hot, so suddenly...I wasn't afraid. I knew it was him.

Since then I have wondered about my daddy, grandparents, cousins, and of course, Danny. I don't feel like Danny has been around for a long time. I sometimes think my daddy is.

 I already have someone I want to be with in the afterlife. I don't think there is marriage in the afterlife, but maybe there will be this love. I have a hope that we will be whole then. Of course, I will be with my children. And Roux, Bradley.

 Roux will be there, too.