Sunday with coffee

Good Morning! I am back from my little night away. It was ok. I wasn't expecting the gush of emotion from being alone somewhere that I would have normally been with someone else. So that was different. But, as I have told my good children, if you have tears, cry them out. They are no good on the inside. I will go with a buddy next time!

I have begun to make it known that I will perform massage on a "whatever you can afford" basis. My heart feels so light every time I go in that direction. I like money. It provides good times for me and my kids. But I want my life to be simple. I am hoping that it (life) will mean more than work and sleep. I want to be in this moment. So bring on the unknown. I have faith.

I struggle at times with how much to share on this forum. I try to stay true to myself and not censor. But I don't want to drag others into my freedom without consent! Tricky. I have been through things that I not only would like to record, but I know there are others that would benefit from my floundering about. My father was abusive, but I never want that to be the only thing people know about him. He was so multi-faceted. So colorful and larger than life. I could describe events from my childhood, but it is only part of the picture. A snapshot really. He was the greatest example of love and loyalty that I have yet to encounter. He loved through a jungle of inner torment. That's what I would prefer to portray.

And so my life goes on. I am recovering. Always recovering it seems. Recovering and recovering. Kind of fucking tired of recovering. I choose not to disclose the details, because my truth is wrapped up in other peoples' pathologies. Tired of that as well. I am ready to move to a different plane. A higher, more free, more aware, peaceful plane. It requires not only closing the door on people, but adding a deadbolt, and then boarding up for good measure.

So let it begin. Again. And again and again. Whatever it takes. No matter how many times I have to start over. As my friend once said upon saying good bye, there is always someone to love.