My karmic destiny and what not

There is a belief system that says that we all existed before entering this world. Supposedly, we were cognitive spirits, and we got to choose more or less the lessons that we would learn in this lifetime. To evolve us. To bring us closer to what God intends for us. I have even read that we kind of travel around with the same group. Through eternity. I have no idea if this is true or not. How can any of us really know? We have such limited scopes. I believe in the afterlife, but that's all I have. None of us know anything until we cross over. We can read sacred texts, pray, and dream. But nothing will be more solid until we see face to face, and not in this dim glass.


I look at my particular life and wonder, if the previous is true in any way, what was I thinking? I am pretty sure I thought a little too highly of myself in my pre-life. Kind of like getting on the biggest roller coaster and then realizing on the first ascent, oh shit. I think my group and I were a bit ambitious. Some have fallen by the wayside. I keep trying to drag those along with me. To my demise perhaps. But I am still here. Looking back and in the present, I try to see the recurring themes. These lessons that I am learning that I perhaps agreed to. These are a few...


1.There is nothing greater or stronger or more full of Light than Love. Giving love, having it to give, experiencing it, receiving it. It is the one great purpose. The reason we are here. It is the beginning and end of this road. The destination. If I can see all things through love, through this meaning and perspective, then I will stay on the narrow path.


2. People can be assholes. I can be an asshole. This is an astounding lesson of the universe. Learning to know my worth in the midst of being mistreated. Knowing how to forgive and knowing how to love the ones that are dishing it out. I am really trying to tell myself NOT to choose this one next go round. I need a break.


3. Food is wonderful. And sex. And music and laughter.


4. God does not give us gifts. He makes us the gifts. We are the actual gifts to each other. Just being who and what He created us to be is Light and medicine to the ones around us. We are a puzzle that is on the kitchen table, being worked on by all of us. Completely in the way, too hard, and way too big of a project for one person. We are not meant to do this alone. And when one of us falls or stops or closes up, we all feel the pain. It ripples through our atmosphere. I think perfection would be each of us being the unique creation that we are. No walls, just us.


5. Change is good. We never stop growing and becoming. I don't want to be this Karen 5 or 10 years from now. I want to be more open, peaceful, and understanding. I want to be the gift that I am supposed to be. And I want to remember that everybody else has their own set of lessons. Their own changes and agreements that they have to work through. I am not the center of the universe. (!!!)


I'm positive there are more lessons. More crap that I piled on in that cosmic meeting 49 years ago. But I like my traveling companions. A dream team! Seriously, look at my group! Puts my bar fight team to shame. Maybe I wasn't too ambitious. My biggest lesson today is that I am not lost. God sees me and is moving me along. I feel it. I know it. I am at my best when in a corner. I am strongest when I am down and almost out. My Light is the brightest in the darkest blackness. My power is in these times. Who knew? Maybe I did....

Rats and Hope

A few months ago I started seeing little holes in my avocados. They would appear overnight and I, being extremely tired, did not attribute this to any being. As the days wore on and the avocados were steadily molested, I began to see what was clearly rat droppings. I bought sticky traps, the other kind of traps, and I strategically placed them in what I thought was all the clever places. I was apparently outwitted as the traps never yielded any success. But the rat poop continued. Honey and I were awakened one night to shrieking under the fridge. We stood frozen and terrified. It finally stopped but I knew this was bad. And so I bought the big gun. D-Con. I knew the risk. The dead rat in the wall. But I had no choice. I placed them all over. Even outside in the azalea bushes. That was a trouble spot for sure. I had seen glimpses of them scurrying through the branches like monkeys in the rain forest. I hated them with all my heart. With all this effort, they seemed to be enjoying the poison. And I was vexed.


And then the day, in broad daylight mind you, I walked into my kitchen to see a long squiggly tail disappear into my cabinet. I was done. I got a quick, hard to swallow lesson on my rental lease and found out we were kind of on our own. I may have cursed at someone knowingly on speaker phone on this day. I clearly recall saying that I knew I was on speaker phone so everybody can listen up....And I apologized a few days later in person.


That is when  Sean the exterminator came into my life. I answered the door to a man in a pest control uniform, and I asked him if he was the one that was sent to save our lives. He said yes. And then he swung into action. It was like turning a cat loose in my house. He immediately crawled in spaces I had been avoiding. Disappeared into the attic. Now he's behind the dryer. Wait! He's under the house. He placed poison stations all over the property and assured me that it was over. He would be back to collect the bodies. I love men. Period.


And so it went. Sean, in his plastic suit and gloves crawled around and retrieved about ten dead rats the size of which he described as big. I trusted him. A couple of rats died in the wall, and I found out that incense is an excellent mask. Today, with the purest hope, we are rat free. Today.


I have often wished, like Frodo and the ring, that the rats had never come to me. I have also wished that my engine had not blown up, that I did not stop receiving child support, and that the love of my life was real. All at the same time. But no one chooses the fire they are to be tried in. I guess we would all choose something less hot and with no flames licking us. And so today I imagine that my spirit is like the azalea rat bushes that Evan graciously cut back. When I say cut back....they were about ten feet tall, and he cut them down to two. No more rat maze. But it left the entire front of my house looking like shock and awe. Like my yard had gotten a bad haircut. Like me, they were cut to the core. All the life they had was on the outside perimeters. So far away from the heart. And now, I can see new life. New tender growth is springing forth from all the old, pruned branches.


I hope I can bloom again. I hope that my car runs for a long time. I hope I can pay my bills. I hope I can fill the hole that is in my heart from my loss. I hope. And that in itself is a nice little shoot coming out of me. I have hope. I have no business having it. I know that.


 But I do.

Happy Birthday Bradley

Today as I was slow dancing with Leon, I realized I have been dancing with babies for 25 years. It is Bradley's birthday. I can look back and remember how afraid I was. How diligent and deliberate. How much in love. I have never known a love so strong nor do I expect to. I clearly remember feeling like I finally knew what a mother bear feels like. Ferocious love.


I can see now the great purpose in my life. The thread that has run through and will continue. Devoted love. Undying, perfect, and all encompassing.


I love you, Bradley. Happiest Day! You began God's great work in me. Thank you.

Today is one of those milestone days. It's a sad one.


I was thinking the other day about judgement and mercy and the ways I used to think. I look back and still feel like the same person, but I had some really misguided ideas at times. I can remember feeling very right in those moments. When I was a child I wanted to grow up and have lots of children and be a mom. I thought I'd cook and keep house and have a good marriage. When I was 16 I wanted to move to New York City. Dawn and I thought we could be prostitutes for a short while. To get on our feet and all. I still would love to move to NYC, but I'll wait tables or something. When I was a little older I abandoned my big city aspirations and returned to the idea of being a mom. I guess I fulfilled that one except for the happy marriage part.


I now believe that life is about love. Obviously, I could be wrong. I've shown that. But if life is about love, then it would make more sense than anything else. Maybe we are all evolving to the state of being able to live without fear and be able to experience giving and receiving love. I thought I had found that on this particular day a few years ago. But I was wrong.  Again!


So today I am looking around me. I have been given a beautiful little person that needs me. Needs my love. And as life would have it, I need his love as well. Maybe more. And so I begin again, or keep going, or whatever the hell we do. I will never give up. My life is full of hope and sadness and laughter and love. I will keep trying to get it right. I'll keep trying to be happy. Especially today.

Sweet Angel

Back maybe

I actually read my blog last night for the first time since March. I haven't had the heart to since I am very comfortably living in denial. But like all good things, it has to come to an end. I will admit....I like me. I wrote so much about the process of the end of my relationship with, let's call him, the hot fudge sundae. My journey has been a painful one. It's hard to even look at pictures of myself smiling that big, sincere, I finally found true love smile. Yuk. But through it all, I am here. Wiser? Yes. Better? Not sure. Jaded? A little. Badass? Fuckin'eh.

I am a grandmother these days. I have rediscovered my newborn love. I hope to write more about that. I actually hope to write about lots of things. This is an experiment. A test. I have not had access to my words for a while now. So I am trying. I am not feeling it, but I am hoping that the effort pays off. 

I am still Karen. I have learned, again, that with God nothing is impossible. That He sees me. That He does not extinguish the flickering flame. That He trusts me with little people. 

I have learned, again, that I am strong. Stronger than I care to be. I am smart, funny, can be bitchy, and I look really sexy in poor lighting. 

My title implies that I am back. But I never left. I am just here. 

(from a poem by Mary Oliver)

It's been a while since I have written. Partly because I have been trying to be quiet. And mostly because I have an ipad now and just discoverd the keyboard. It's all better than my laptop, but I have to get used to it.

In my quietness, I have many thoughts. My mind is not so quiet with all it's themes and theories and resolutions and strivings. It's like all the cords that go into the tv. Everything is plugged in but is completely entwined with each other. so in order to move the furniture around, you have to unplug everything, untangle them, and re-enter the whole system. 

If last year was about outside forces, this year is definitely about from within. About understanding why I do the things i do. Looking way back to wounds that were inflicted so long ago, but still drive me in many ways. I think that the answers are within all of us. I have chosen very destructive and painful relationships my whole life. I am learning why I did that, and understanding that I can end it. 

I have been pondering the concept of forgiveness. I realize that if I tell myself I need no one, then I never need to be forgiven. To be sorry and ask for forgiveness puts us in debt to one another. We need each other. I do not want to go through life and not know the beauty and surrender of needing another human being. Of deeming them worthy of my humility and vulnerability. Of deeming myself worhty of theirs. I now know that Love stops when you do not need. It brings you to your knees, to your place. Love is from the ground up. 

Just a little forethought

I wrote the following a while back while pondering a book that is swirling around in my head. It's a preface, I think. Anyway, I thought I'd share instead of letting it sit in my documents wasting away....

I was sitting next to a lovely couple at a bar recently. I had gone away for the day with a friend and was having a drink and watching football. Being from Louisiana, I am never faced with a stranger. So as we "caught up", I found out that the couple had been married for 16 years and that this was indeed their anniversary. How nice! They had 2 young children at home, and then came the question. "Do you have children?" I readied for the response. I have 5. Yes, 5. No, they are all biological. Yes, I'm 48. Oh, thank you, but I assure you, my mind is gone. Ha. Ha. It's my little claim to fame. They are at this time 24, 22, 20, 18, and 15. 

 As we continued, the man I was with called for the check. It was time to move to our next location. But before I went, my new friend wanted to ask a question about parenting...Is this going to be hard? The coming years? It's going to be crazy, right? And, I thought, yes. She wanted my one big advice. The big thing. So I told her...Learn to say you are sorry.

She looked at me in a confused way. Huh? Sorry? I got the feeling this was not the parenting advice she was expecting. And there were so many things I could say. But we were leaving, so I had to get to the heart of it. The one game changer. And this is it. We get these little people entrusted to us. Not when we are wise, but so much sooner. When we are still mostly screwed up. And so, we are going to make a lot of mistakes. More than I can count. But with all that, if I can say I am sorry, if I can BE sorry, I can show my children what it's like to be human. To be God's child learning as I go. And our children can learn to forgive. To let someone else be human. And then, when we humble ourselves, we can allow them to be human, too. Not little replicas of us. But real people with real thoughts and real hearts.

My daughter recently found out she is pregnant. There are great books on pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, parenting, and on and on and on. This book will have some of that. But also some of the "I'm sorry" moments. The "do not try this at home" stuff. Ultimately, it will be about finding and following your Mother Heart. Her Mother Heart. The one that is growing with her unborn baby. It will be about the voices that tell you one thing, and the undeniable pull in your heart to do another. It's how I chose to do it. And it was good. So this book is for my children becoming parents... so they can understand not what to think, but how to find their own thoughts. Not the right way or the wrong way, but their way. And it's always different with each child.

 It's about finding your rhythm. Your inner mama bear. And KNOWING. It's about knowing. And doing.

Love is in the air. And for some, the hope and longing for it. Either way, I do not dislike Valentine's Day. I'm not mad at it, as my Zak Davis would say. It is a chance to give love on a day that we are aware of our need for it. A day to make someone feel seen, loved, regarded. To put an exclamation on it. For them to know it. I decided that last year was my final broken hearted 14th of February. It stings a little more when think you are loved and then ignored. It's just not my loss anymore. Never was.

I have spent much time walking through the dark over the last few years. And writing about it. I've actually written less because it's been such a downer. But as the forest thins and the sun dapples here and there, I am able to think and understand more. It's hard to do that when you are in quicksand and what not. I can see the good that has come from this blackness, and so I will focus on those things. I will try to share what I have come away with while resisting the urge to make a list. Godspeed to me on that one.

I have Light. Inside of me. It dispels darkness like a candle when the electricity goes out. It doesn't require effort. It just is. I have learned that being who and what I am (and who and what you are) is the great purpose. That just being who God made me to be heals and chases away the dark. We all have different gifts, and it is our sacred meaning to cultivate our unique and perfect traits. They are God's gift to us and our gift to others. We need each other. I need you. I am not searching for God's will. I AM God's will. What He is doing inside of me is His great intent.

I am worth defending. The first line of defense is anger. And it's the first thing that was taken away from me. When you are not allowed to be angry, the walls are down, and the zombies overrun the prison. They just mill around, destroying the garden you worked so hard to cultivate, trampling all the goodness, murking the water supply. I have mistakenly thought that the notion of unconditional love was attainable and healthy. Not so much now. In a relationship, there needs to be that all important two way street. That beautiful giving and receiving. And if people are mean, it is good to be angry. I will say it again. I am worth defending. I have no problem defending others, but I have allowed the zombies to have their thoughtless, heartless, robotic way with me. Trying not to live that way anymore.

Talk is not cheap. It is free. People can say whatever they want at no cost to themselves. I love words. They are literally my heart and mind laid down on paper or on a computer screen or given in person to the person in front of me. When I speak, it is deliberate. My words are who I am. Not so much with others. I should not project that kind of sincerity. Which really sucks. But I knew this all along. I will try to judge people by their actions. Their hearts by their deeds. And if their only goal is to blow out my little flickering flame, then I need to get the hell out of there.

Which brings me to my great respect I have acquired for the darkness. I have always told Evan in his football days that you can be a stud, but there is always someone that can put you on your ass. I am no exception. I have learned that I am not greater, no stronger than the light and love that I have inside of me. And that there are some that can suck that away, and leave me for nearly dead. When it comes to love, I am a stud. But I have learned that I am no match for some entities. I need help. And so I am steering clear, not out of fear, but out of regard. Good game. I will go home and get better. Again, to Evan and me, the injured are dangerous because they know they can survive. Brushing off my knees and limping home. I'll be back.

And finally, on this post, I have learned that I am connected with my kids and my loved ones in a way that truly matters. I have a role, a job to do. When I am honoring myself, I can see the rippling effect in them. In Andrew and Chelsea. In Bradley and Isabelle. In Evan. In Honey and our little man.  I can feel just above the surface that our spirits are being drawn in directions that are for our greater good. I know it. And so, I am comforted in all the sadness. In the unrequited love. I have a few more tears to cry. But overall, I am ok. I have always believed that when going through hard times, I should learn the lesson at hand so life will not have to teach it again to me. The theme of my life has been my worth or worthlessness, honesty and faithfulness from men, and maintaining some kind of hope through it all. And the fear of deep water and serial killers. Each lesson has been more intense and accelerated as if God is saying it's time to move on. Like He's knocking on my head to see if anybody is home, McFly?

I am worth something. I have Love. I house Light. And I am home.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Wonderful World

Translation in progress. Please wait...

 

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and for you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
You know their gonna learn
A whole lot more than I'll never know.
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

 

The Love of a Cobra

I discovered a new show on Netflix. Well, it's new to me. It's about people that have exotic, deadly, predator pets that eventually kill them. It's called Fatal Attraction. It's frustrating enough to watch these people with their pet tigers, leopards, and cobras as they devote their lives to caring for them. There are moments of almost disdain in my living room where things are yelled out like, "She has to see that the crocodile has no feelings!", or "That guy is just a food source! The giant monitor lizard is going to eat him!" And then the lizard eats him, and we are all justified in our foresight. There are psychologists on hand for us. Explaining what is going on, helping us through these times. One guy says that these people have a need or condition in which they project human emotions on these animals. Like the lady that was already scalped by her leopard and explained that the look on the leopard's face was saying "Man I've done it now..." She allotted remorse to the leopard as he ate her. And then here comes the psychologist with the fact that these people usually need to love the unlovable. They need to transform something that is so bad and so unworthy in order to prove or fix there own plight. This would mean that they too are worthy of love. Damn.

I have my own pet tiger. I have been pretending that it loves me. That it is capable of love and remorse and that when it plays with me, it is saying that I am special. I have decided that when it does little tricks for me that we have a connection. I am thinking that I am more than a food source. I am important to my tiger. That he won't kill me if I stop bringing food. All my loved ones are shaking their heads. They see that I am the food thing to this beautiful predator. I am just compliant prey. I don't have the good sense to make it interesting and run.  And if I can just love this dangerous tiger enough, then I am wonderful. Lovable. Worth it. My, my, my.

 I am done with this. I like my chocolate lab. She is literally made of love.

Sad. Sorry.

I am reading a lot about trauma these days. Trauma in the sense of loss and grieving. Not the death of a loved one, but a loss of hope for my future with someone. Loss of innocent love and trust. Loss of all that I thought was real and all that I put into it. Another kind of death. I am always hoping that with enough understanding and knowledge I can perhaps lessen the painful effects of the losses I have experienced. And so it goes.

I used to look at the stages of grief as a map of sorts. Like some steps that you go through on your way to acceptance after a loss. While true, I never really looked at the stages as healthy in and of themselves. Like Denial. That just sounds like a bad idea. But I am learning that denial is actually the mind's way of dealing with traumatic loss. At first it's just too much to even admit. So our brains protect us from the reality. Then comes bargaining and anger. Each stage helps process the pain and bring it to its rightful place in our memories. Acceptance.

I have lost what I thought was my love. A friend told me recently that it takes five years to recover from the kind of heartbreak that I have been going through. I was not encouraged, but quickly started doing math. I have a solid three years of heartbreak under my belt as of today in this situation. So two more, and if I can learn quickly......please God. Maybe I can get out on parole for the merit of trying so hard to overcome. I know my friends are wondering why this has taken so long. Why am I still so sad? Honestly, nobody wonders more than I do. But here I am.

And so, I will keep trying. Everyday is a new chance to get up and get better. I will not give up. And I will get through these times.

Love

I love this song. The part that says "all of my affections, I give them all to you." Beautiful. I have struggled with love, being told that what it is not, actually is. I am not confused. And it can, in fact, be forever. This is love to me...


"Island Song - Lyrics"

Come along with me
To a town beside the sea
We can wander through the forest
And do so as we please

Come along with me
To a cliff under a tree
Where we'll gaze upon the water
As an everlasting dream

All of my affections
I give them all to you
Maybe by next summer
We won't have changed our tunes

I still want to be
In this town beside the sea
Making up new numbers
And living so merrily

All of my affections
I give them all to you
I'll be here for you always
And always be for you

Come along with me
To a town beside the sea
We can wander through the forest
And do so as we please
Living so merrily

My 2013

2013 is over. It is behind me. I am glad. I did the hard stuff this year. The inevitable work that had to be done. I felt like Gandalf when he thought he might escape the dwarf cave, and then he saw the giant fire demon. The look on his face. He knew that he would have to face it and either win, or die trying. But there was no other way. He jumped into hell. And happily, he did triumph with more power and better hair.

I began this 2013 with the extraction of my uterus, a massage license, and an ominous knowledge about my marriage. My divorce was finalized in April. I have no way of describing how that has felt for me without infringing on the privacy of others. I have learned the power of truth. And untruth. I have survived this war in my heart, but not without damage. It's ok. I am ok. I am home. I have two divorces under my belt. No one could be more broken about that. I always thought I was a forever girl. Oh well.

I began giving massage for a living. I have learned just a small bit about energy and love, intention and mindfulness. I have attempted to give to others when my heart was completely broken. It's not easy. But through it all I have grown to love my job. I love the process of healing people in a small or big way. I almost without exception get more out of giving a massage than I think my clients do. It is wonderful to make a living nurturing people. I am hopeful and happy about my future. I am proud of what I do.

In the midst of my turmoil, I met my dear friend Jami. Andrew and Chelsea mentioned her in their reviews. She is a Seer, Healer, and Facial Specialist. The things that she has told me have strengthened my faith in God, validated my bizarre pain, and given me hope in my inner Karen. I lost all trust in myself because I had to suppress so much. So she has been a huge part of helping me to listen to my intuition. I am not completely healed, and I may never be. I remember my ex mother in law Carolyn quit smoking once. She went years and then started again. When she quit the second time, she said there is a part of her that will always want to smoke. Like an ugly reminder of where she can go. I think maybe that will be me. I was so happy to be flying that I forgot my wings were made of wax. I had wings motha fucka!!! So I flew a little too close to the sun. They melted, and I crashed. Anyway, Jami told me that I was in transition. A butterfly. I have been changing for a while now, but I think I am almost done. It was August, and she told me that my sadness was so heavy, but the little boy in my life, my grandson, would bring the Light back and heal me. I said I did not have a little boy, but she said "He is here." Almost two weeks later, I walked in to my bedroom to see Honey and Chelsea crying. I knew Honey was pregnant. And I am thankful for the heads up.

And so, I am home, as I said. Our family feels like it is healed. I should not have gotten married the second time although I loved him with all my heart. It hurt me and hurt my children. But like Gandalf, we are stronger with access to a straightening iron. I have felt peace again. I have vision for our future. I have begun learning how to meditate, and I have been led home by a butterfly. And Andrew wrote a perfect song about that very thing. I have hope again. I am good, honest, and empathetic. I feel you.

Bradley, Andrew, Chelsea, Evan, Honey, and Isabelle. These are my lights. I know a lot of people that are not believers in God. And I respect them. But for me, it's like this: God will take care of us. But even if He doesn't, I still believe.

May 2014 be filled with wholeness and truth. With laughter and good food and music and some wine. With joy and BABIES!!! With good haircuts and long walks. I want to look at the stars more. I want to read and write and honor myself. Happy New Year. I am filled with love. Special thanks to Robin for her great love for me, My kids for watching me flounder and not judging me, Johnny "the king of catering" Mason for being there for my family, and Kandi, Missi, Carole, Zak, and Clyde for loving me. And for Nikki Beard for giving me a safe place to start my business. And my sweet and good mama. I love you.