When do people arrive?
I am 45 and sometimes feel as though I have made absolutely no emotional progress since I was nine. I think I will forever struggle with the same things. I wonder when those things are planted in us, and I wonder if I have planted things in my children or other people for that matter.
I know where some things come from. Insecurities and holes happen early, and over time they are sometimes reinforced. The light is shining on all my sad junk, and it is usually unbearable. It's as though the best thing in the world, love, is the only thing that can bring that stuff to the surface, and it has. It's just really ugly. Emotional adolescence, with all the acne, awkwardness, and attitude. Yuk. I guess I have shut down sections of me for a long time. Rooms and entire wings that have been boarded up. I did that to protect myself, but now it's just a mess. Nothing is up to code.
The good thing is (and I believe this) is that love heals all things that it reveals. It just has to hurt for a minute. Or two. I have been told (or it has been observed) that I am very impatient. Dear God, I am. I want things to be perfect NOW. Right now. I am not good at this. I can't keep still. I keep jumping off the table. I fear that the nurses will soon be brought in to hold me down. I think I may be stubborn. (I am actually surprised. No joke.) I have stubbornly thought that I am not stubborn for a long time. I wonder what else I am that I think I'm not. I'm sure I'll hear it coming out of my mouth any day now.
So that is today. I am not happy with myself, but I know I am just working some shit out. Tracy is the perfect person to not only endure this, but he understands me. He suffers my silliness often, but he is, in contrast, the most patient person I know. I am lucky. Let's all join hands and think happy thoughts his way.
Am I the only person that does this stuff? Even if I am, I still have to walk it out. Love to all and to me. I need it. Oh, and mercy.
Boy do I feel ya on this one. Just when I feel I have conquered one of my flaws, I find that aspect of myself tested.... Often, I fail!
ReplyDeleteI am happy that you have a love that understands you. It makes the journey that much easier (or perhaps bearable is the word) doesn't it?
Don't be too hard on yourself. As long as you continue to be introspective and recognize where you need the work, I believe you are on the right track/path.
Be well, and many blessings to you and yours.
"I stubbornly thought I wasn't stubborn" Ha! I hate when I discover crap about myself. Unmedicated child birth while getting a root canel, that's what I like to call these times in life :-)
ReplyDeleteI honestly CANT WAIT to hold a beautiful Poinsettia and visit Jimmy Buffet with you, or whatever, just hanging and talking is so good.
I know just what you mean - ending and beginnings (which are really the same thing aren't they?) always bring things to the surface. Usually things that you thought you had put behind you but really you just shoved them down really really deep inside you.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel that you're not making progress because you are.
I love these beautiful comments. Thank you. I tend to isolate myself when feeling this way. It's so good to be understood! Carole, I am looking forward, too.
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