Thursday

Our Fun Night

Tara, Keith, Tracy (fun guy), Me, Dave, Kelly, Drew, and Sally's hand

Home

Carole recently wrote some things about her home that got me thinking. The idea of home. The place where your heart is and all that jazz. Fireplaces, food, love, safety, comfort. Home.

Geographically, Baton Rouge, LA has always been my home. It still is. Those streets belong to me. The buildings, grocery stores, houses. The way it feels in September when the football drum cadences are playing, the sky in October, seafood specials on Fridays, the collective let the good times roll spirit. Home. Even if I never go back, it will always live in me.

But home is more to me. I have always considered myself to be home for my children. The center. I realize that will end, and it has already begun. My sweet kids don't orbit around my light as much as they used to. It's OK, I think. It better be. I know I will always be steadfast for them. Like my own mom.

For a long time I felt displaced. My kids are always home, but my heart also belongs to Tracy now. He is home to me, too.  Love, safety, comfort. Peace.

Dill

"I think I'll be a clown when I get grown," said Dill. "Yes, sir, a clown.... There ain't one thing in this world I can do about folks except laugh, so I'm gonna join the circus and laugh my head off." "You got it backwards, Dill," said Jem. "Clowns are sad, it's folks that laugh at them." "Well, I'm gonna be a new kind of clown. I'm gonna stand in the middle of the ring and laugh at the folks."

~Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

hmmm.

Forget about Calgon. I want a big Canadian to take me away. Right now.

Weekend

So far so good. Last night my perfect and loving man came with me to Market Street Pub to meet my friends even though he was exhausted and in pain. I am the luckiest woman in the world. We had fun and played pool and danced and laughed. Love my Tracy Miller.

I am the exhausted one now. I am off tomorrow and so glad to be. I am looking forward to a quiet day at home and then an evening with the before mentioned Miller.

Evan got a tattoo yesterday. He put his name (Harvey) on his inner bicep. He did this with his father which is very nice. The tattoo looks great. My kids are very good people. I am so happy to get to walk around in this world with them. We have a great time. Cheers to you.

trickin' the blog with Sue

Look how enthralled I am with Carole's skill. I am a sponge soaking in her patient wisdom. We had fun, by the way.

LSU Tigers Callin' Baton Rouge Video 2009

I love my Red Stick! You can hear the only country song that genuinely makes me happy! (With the exception of Broken Road, much to Tracy's dismay.) Yay!!!!

I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.
Frederick Douglass

I can remember being very small and thinking that women got pregnant by kissing men. I also thought that the father would sort of transfer if a pregnant woman kissed another man. This is deep shit. I learned differently by and by.

I remember thinking I would spend some significant time in purgatory,
and that David Lee Roth was sexy. I thought people were just like me. The point is, we change and see the light. All the time. I don't think the light changes, but we just see it so dimly. We can't handle it all.

I have been through a blender the last few years. I understand that not everyone can understand or empathize with this. I can barely grasp it. But, the clock keeps going, and so do I.

One thing that does not change is love. I still believe that it is not only the greatest of the gifts, but that it is forever. It covers the multitude of wrongs and can endure anything. That's what is inside of me. The common thread that will stitch its way through my years. It's about giving myself away. I like it.

My day

Sometimes I mean well and still cause harm. ???
Today was like that.

I worked at Johnny's during lunch. I always go in thinking that all will be well. And it was, except for my getting a little protective. The nature of people in a restaurant is predictable, but every now and then you get the mean one. And so, it goes. I think I did pretty well considering.

I have my kids today. We ate dinner and watched TV like normal people. I talked to Tracy. His voice is always one of the best parts of my day. I get to see him tomorrow. I love that man.

I am moving soon. I am collecting boxes (thank you, Mr. Ray!) and will soon start the process. I have moved around 30 times. I've been single, married, pregnant, name it. I hate it. This time will be different. I found a house that will fit everybody. It has a great big living room with a fireplace. I love fire. Football games, cooking, and a fire. And wine. What could be better? I think I will take a class this fall to work toward my degree. Just a token really, but I need to move forward. Technical English will be just what I need. Maybe.

I am trying to live with no expectations about my life. I am dangling on a thread, and I have no power to make things go one way or another. I just live out the moments. Sometimes I need to just be quiet. Sigh.

Last night a crow flew into a transformer right outside the window at JBBQ. A loud boom and sparks went everywhere. Two interesting guys were kind enough to pick up the dead bird and throw it into the woods. A hole had blown right through its heart. We all wanted crow tattoos to commemorate the moment. Then we changed our minds. Sally is getting a pumpkin, and me--the heart on the outside. More on that when I do it.

I am thankful for being known. For the people that smile at me, laugh at my silliness, think I'm worth it. I am scared to death, but here I am.

My whole life I have kept journals or writings or whatever. I have always censored it all because I was afraid I would get in trouble or because I would hurt some one's feelings. The paper trail. Rule #1- don't leave one.

I have lots of thoughts and experiences that I hide or suppress for those reasons. No murders or anything. Just some mistreatments or silly things. Going out with friends and laughing. Walking through New Orleans with friends, going to the gym, parties, mean people, etc. I just don't mention it. That's too bad. I know it's what life, my life, is made of. Natural childbirth, nipple confusion (for the hardcore nursers), the crush I had on Rob Thomas back in 98, the Cross Walk days, the dirtiest thing I've ever done, book club at Melanie's, men, what it's like to have your heart ripped out often, sex, women I am jealous of for one reason or another (usually boobs or the way they just don't care), my family.....on and on. I know that memoir is about mattering. Being heard and valid to somebody but mainly yourself. I am not sure if it's possible. But I do think I need to write. It's there.

Going to work with all this going on in this head. Have a nice day.

Umbrella

My umbrella is not very stylish. It's not one of those cool ones with the little button that makes it jet out and open in one second. Mine is a little less fancy. But it's big. There is room under here for a lot more than the instructions recommend. I would never want anybody standing in the rain. It disturbs me.

My kids and some others know that somehow, I'll have an umbrella. I hope I find out in the end that life was just about that. Providing shelter from rain or storms or when the sun is too bright. I get under umbrellas all the time. And there are some that I would rather walk in the rain than to get under. There are worse things than rain.

I love the words to the song, Umbrella. Taking an oath and sticking it out til the end. Beautiful. I can do that.

Sunday

I went for a walk this morning before the temperature gets up to 100. Walking alone reminds me that we are all really just walking alone. Even if we have people that we love around us, we still have to live in our own skin. People love me, but nobody will take care of me but me. It's good to know. I was telling Clyde something like that the other day. Regardless of people's opinions about me, I have to get up every morning and somehow make it rain. Somehow. Thank God for friends. I'm not used to this, but I am learning. Quickly.

I hope this week is good. Fingers crossed.

My kids are home today. Nice.

I found a house to rent since my house is being sold. It is the best house I could have hoped for. My kids are actually excited to move there. They see the potential for big gatherings during football season. I can't wait. I will be relieved to make another step in my life toward all the good things I am hoping for.

Going cook and do laundry. I saw my hot man last night and will again tomorrow. I would never have even prayed to be this happy, because I don't deserve it. Have a wonderful day, and enjoy the small things. I will.

happy

Die

I like the book I'm reading. Instead of talking about writing, which I enjoy, it/she expects me to write. I have always censored myself. I think that's good, but she suggests that I write all the hidden stuff. And hide it. Not there yet.
Anyway, one chapter is called Die. I'm supposed to write what I'll miss when I die. Now I don't believe I'll miss things, but it is interesting. So...

I'll miss the faces of each child of mine. Their smiles, eyes, the way they look at me. The recognition. The way you look at your mother.

I'll miss the smell of Tracy at any given point of a day. At 4am, noon, or dusk. I would miss his warmth and the way his hugs encompass me. And giving him his pedicures. And everything about him. When he gives me attention that I don't expect (which is all the time).

I will miss the surprise that I feel when someone cares for me. When people (like the ones I work with) ask me about my life and are concerned. And then they remember. It blows me away.

I will miss Honey's drawings and common sense, Evan's big spirit, Bradley's brilliant wit, Andrew's heart and music, Isabelle's laugh and unsolicited affection..

I will miss the sky in October. College football and going nuts over just a game. And Bradley's commentary.

I will miss having as many people over to my house as I possibly can and creating a spectacle. Music, food, kids running around, all of it. I miss that now.

I will miss the way I feel in the moments that I believe God is showing me that He is with me. It happens in small and big ways. Through people. Usually when I'm at the bottom.

I will miss my mom. She's steadfast.

And strawberries.

Mid Week

My kids are at church camp this week. I know they love it and are having a great time. I personally don't like church camp. Sorry. I don't like faith being reduced to emotional hype. A good friend and "church guy" once called it spiritual masturbation. Wish I had thought of that one.

Isabelle and I are in the meantime having some alone time. It's quiet and not bad at all.

It's Wednesday. This is usually when I get a tiny bit emotional with Tracy. Mid week. Hate it. Friday is coming though.

That is all. I have much to do. It's been a roller coaster so far this week, but I get sick on rides. I tend to avoid them. Every now and then I'll forget and try to ride one. It's that hope thingy. Anyway...

Love to all. God sees us. I am sure of this.

Old Friend From Far Away

I downloaded the book Old Friend From Far Away to my e-reader(that Tracy gave to me.) It's a book about writing memoirs. I love reading books about writing, and maybe I'll actually do what they suggest some day. Anyway...One of the exercises is to write about "I remember" for 10 minutes. No structure. No limit to subjects. Just I remember. OK.

I remember my first date with Tracy. It was a Saturday night (September 12, 2009) and I had to work the entire day. We had exchanged some emails and planned on meeting after I got off. I was so excited. I remember Andrea did all my side work in section 4 so that I could get out of there and go out with this man. I was so excited. Did I mention how excited I was? I had admired him for so long, and now I was going to have him all to myself for the evening. I went home and called him and hurried as fast as I could to become as pretty as I could. I remember I wore my black and coral shirt, Capri's, and black sandals. He was wearing khaki shorts, but I honestly don't remember the shirt. I could not take my eyes off of his face. I love his face. It is manly and perfect. And his brown eyes are beautiful.

We were going to do a tour o' bars of Keystone beginning with the Howling Wolf. We did the Wolf, and then decided to go to the OTT (Our Town Tavern). My God, he smelled so good. We played pool and talked. I remember how nice it was to talk with him. He is very honest and chooses his words carefully. I like that. We decided to go back to his house, and we talked for a long time. We stayed up all night. Ten minutes. Done.

I loved that night. No matter what happens, I'll always remember how happy and perfect it was. The beginning. I remember.

Happy Canada Day!!!

Twas the Night Before Johnny Mason Day and All Through the House....

July 3rd is Johnny Mason Day here in Keystone Heights. I did not make this up. I wish I did. Evidently, the mayor and other important people have graciously and rightfully decided to give Johnny, my boss, the key to the city. At 10:30 am on Saturday. Right before the parade. In front of everyone.

I read in the paper that it's because of his contributions to charities and his influence on the youth that come across his BBQ path. That's true. Johnny gives to everybody. The walls of the restaurant are covered with kids' sports teams' plaques that have been sponsored by him. I don't know that he has turned anyone down. Ever. But that's only part of the reason why I am celebrating Johnny Mason Day.

I think the youth that Johnny influences are not the ones that wash dishes for him. Granted, they get a piece of the action. The real people that are affected are the children of his employees. Specifically, the moms. Even more specific, the single ones. There are women I know that work for him that never once in maybe 10 years had to miss an event in her child's life because of work. Ball games, plays, sicknesses, name it. Johnny cares that moms witness the important things. I have personally been sent away when he found out I was working through one of Evan's games. He cares. There are so many that would stand up and say the same. He will never know how much that means to some of us.

He's also really funny. I love a person that can laugh at himself, and he does it so well. His wife, Valerie, helps with this. Johnny stories are legendary. Whether he is caught in his underwear in front of innocent onlookers, hanging accidentally on a door with no one to help, or just the everyday trial of being surrounded by females at work and home- the man knows how to laugh. Everybody thinks they are his best friend. Even me! That is a true testament of making people feel important and cared for. He has perfected it. I wish you could see when Johnny "comes out" of the kitchen (like Chuck E. Cheese) to greet customers. The genuine kick people get out him. We all love him. And he may give us our meal for free!!

So Happy Johnny Day. I will never be the same. I work for a boss that I am happy to see arrive and bummed to find out that he has slipped out of the building. He is a blessing to my children, which is my heart. Thanks, Mason. You deserve all the accolades.