The last few years have left me pessimistic, if not jaded. I am looking around wondering WTF as far as life and why are we here in the first place? But I am beginning to see that I have always made my own reasons for being here. I have purpose. I understand what I did. I put everything on a shelf in order to win something that was never attainable. It left me empty. Empty would actually be nice, but when there is a void, fear and every kind of sadness creep in. It's like moving out of a beautiful house and leaving it locked up and empty. Spiders move in. They just do. Bitches.
So every day, every minute, each breath I am trying to recapture joy. Trying to be open for it. Trying to create it. I am putting away fantasy and looking at reality. The reality is that I have some good things to work with. I am smart. I have intuition. I think Heaven is me being surrounded by the people I love, laughing and dancing. I have love, and I know how to give it.
So many of my dearest friends are my age, single, and looking ahead thinking that we are screwed. And we probably are screwed.. But just like that black slave told Russell Crowe in Gladiator, Not yet.
Not yet.
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