My Little Chelsea's Year!!!

My year in review

My name is Chelsea Harvey. I'm Andrew's wife.

I started my year off by quitting Johnnys, after working there almost 3 years, and going to work as a full time nanny for a one and a half year old girl. It was definitely a nice change of pace from a restaurant. 

On February 9th wine nights began. These nights were our therapy. We all got the chance to express our selves without judgment. Some of the best nights of the year were spent at my dining room table in the early morning hours. There truly is healing in speaking your pain. 

During July we moved into our current rental house, my nanny family moved, and I returned to Johnnys BBQ. This was also the same month that the service took place where Andrew was healed. The hardest part of Andrew's addiction for me was watching him suffer his own guilt. It did take some time for me to realize it was not about me in any way. I was and still am enough.  

I faced my fears of both failure and success and decided to go to cosmetology school. I am so terribly afraid of messing up, I'd rather do nothing ever than anything wrong once. With a lot of guidance and support, I went. This was huge for me.  

I met Jamie, a spiritual healer. She told me my spirit animals are whale and deer. 

She also opened my crown and solar plexus chakras. Interestingly enough, the crown chakra represents  our connection with our fathers, which becomes the model or our relationship with authority and ultimately, with God. It goes on to say that if there is separation with our fathers, the crown chakra is closed and a sense of isolation and aloneness is felt. Wow! When I read that I was like, of course that one's shut! So, when I was 5 years old, my father committed suicide. I didn't find out that was how he died until I was 16. I heard by my brother telling a friend's dad on the way to a birthday party. He thought I knew. That really killed the mood for laser tag. I didn't really know him at all. Add in the fact that my parents were separated and I only saw him every other weekend I've been told. Strangely, the only early memories I have are of him. Needless to say, I have felt great amounts of abandonment, sadness, and anger over the loss of my father and all the things I missed out on that can never be replaced. No dad to give me away or dance with me on my wedding day or to make a grandfather one day. My dad had his own issues, nothing related to me, that caused him to take his life. I believe that he is happy and whole now. I'll see him someday.

October 22, I celebrated 2 years of being happily married. While in school, I realized the hair and nail business was not what I was interested in. So I found out that I could get my facial specialist license much sooner, so I went for that. 

Through prayer and meditation I successfully let go of my past and all pain and negativity associated with myself. I am not defined by my past. I choose to no longer view my self as a victim to my circumstances. I forgave the men who hurt me. What they did had nothing to do with me or my self-worth. Its strange how healing and self improvement can be so scary. I found comfort in my wounded person label. The thought of being whole, as good as it sounded, was new territory for me. I'm always waiting to be happy. I'll be happy when I'm skinnier, or married, or have more money or blah blah blah. Being present and happy in the now is what really counts.  One of the best realizations I made this year was- 

"Nothing outside of myself will make me happier than being at peace within myself. Self love = happiness"

So here's to 2013, the year of healing and the beginning of my journey to self acceptance. 

Christmas Morning

Merry Christmas. I watched the sunrise and am happily not in a barn, nursing a newborn, and trying to get some sleep on hay. Although, I have also learned how tired you can actually get, and hay probably did not look that bad. I have caught just a little bit of sleep on a bathroom floor. Hay could be nice.

I am happy with my life today. I have a job that I love, I am making peace with where I live, and I am surrounded by the love of my family and friends. I will certainly be more specific in my year in review post. But today, it is not as wordy.

I hope today and the coming days are full of Light. My goal is to be a source for that very thing.

Andrew's 2013

            My name is Andrew Raphael Harvey. I'm Karen's second son and I'm 22 years old.

As much as I'd love to kick this off with joy, I can't. That would be inaccurate. I spent the last few years mastering the art of faking a smile and burying inner torment. I have been deceitful about who I am for too long. I do not intend to do that now as I write this. My mom asked me to summarize my year. Here it goes. 

This was a year unlike any. It was a year of transition and restoration. A year to expose the deepest, darkest parts of myself. A year for sunlight to pierce through the blackness and burn my skin. And oh does it burn. 

My 2013 began with a black dog. It's name was depression. It had been following me for a long time, though I didn't start noticing it until fall of 2012. It's nearly impossible to truly convey what depression does to a persons soul. If you had told me that last year, I may have replied "What soul?". Being alone meant anxiety attacks and fits of rage. My mind did not belong to me. It belonged to chaos. Being around others meant holding it all in until I was alone. My first taste of hope was simply in naming the black dog. I remember the day I decided to open up to someone about what I was suffering through. I allowed myself to speak honestly without thinking.

 "I feel that I do not exist." 

That is what came out of my mouth. That is the black dog. My mom replied, "Son, you are depressed." The first step in fixing a problem is knowing the problem. You cannot fix what you don't understand. I started researching, learning, and understanding depression. However, you can't entirely understand it without experiencing it.  And in experiencing it, you learn that it never really goes away for good. You learn how to tame it. To be it's master and not it's slave. My 2013 began at the taming stage and the black dog wasn't going to submit without sinking its teeth into me a few more times. 

I had worked at Johnny's BBQ for over a year. I was thankful to have this job. It helped pay our bills, I got to work with friends and family that cared about me. Johnny was without a doubt the ideal boss and is one of the most loving people I've ever met. Everything was great except for one minute detail… The job.

I hated what I did. This may come as a shock to you, but fast pace costumer service is not an ideal line of work for a depressed, introverted artist. Though I will say I was good at it due to my ability to bury my feelings and act however is most appealing to the people around me. Special thank you to my dear coworkers that listened to my negativity everyday during the ranch pouring hours. You know who you are. 

An opportunity arose in april for a position as the full time worship leader of Community Church. Having been a part of the music ministry there for many years, I was a first choice. In 2012 I had quit. I wasn't so sure why at the time, though I made up some socially acceptable reason. When I was first offered the full time position, my immediate response was 'not a chance'. I realize now that the black dog was snapping at me. I learned from Steven Pressfield in his book 'The War of Art' that I was undergoing a very powerful 'resistance'. I decided to press through my polluted perception and give it some real consideration. The more I considered it, the more it became obvious that this was the direction I should go. Resistance is the best compass.  I had experience, the pay was more than feasible, and ultimately I would get to freely and creatively worship God for a living. I would be a fool to pass up a job doing something that I love, and now I would be able to put more time and effort into it than ever. I put in my two weeks notice at Johnny's in May. As I pulled out of the parking lot after my last shift, I rolled down my windows and cranked the radio. It just so happened to be Creep by Radiohead.

"What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."

Now we descend deeper into the abyss that was myself. I was 14 when I was first exposed to pornography. Naturally I turned my innocent eyes from it. Each time it popped up from then on, looking away became a little less important. Pop ups became google searches. Accidents became Intentions. I ignored my hearts warning. By the time I was 16 I was completely addicted to pornography. I was dependent and powerless against it. It had me. It poisoned my mind for 6 years. On occasion I would fight it for weeks, but I couldn't stay away. Each time I failed I felt a little more worthless. Having always struggled with feelings of guilt, this was too much. I began to despise myself. I beat myself up over anything and everything. It was like my spirit was deteriorating. My wife knew it was something I once struggled with, but this year I knew it was time to get help or it would destroy my relationship with the love of my life. The first step was telling Chelsea I was addicted and that I was dishonest. The shame, guilt, and humility was unbearable when I told her. After a long conversation and a lot of tears, she forgave me. Instead of condemning me like I deserved, she showed compassion and forgiveness. She told me that she was not going anywhere and that we were going to beat this. I cannot tell you in words what Chelsea means to me. I love her more than anything and I thank God for her. 

I wish I could say that I overcame the addiction in that moment. I did not. I fell into traps. Temptation still got the best of me. I failed many more times. But something was different. Honesty. I now had no secrets from Chelsea. When I failed, I told her and it hurt her, But she knew that i was hurting myself more than anyone. I told a few more people. These are people I trust and respect. I received compassion, wisdom, and some tough love. The devil works well with secrets. The more people I told, the stronger I became. The time between failures grew longer and longer, which made each failure worse. My addiction was coming to a head, but it fought back with ferocity. On July 15th, a man named Daniel came to our church and held a healing service. I suffered the week leading up to this night. With fresh guilt looming and the black dog dragging me around, I made my way to the church. I was in charge of running sound for Daniel and his band. Throughout the service, I just cried. I was in the sound booth so nobody could see except chelsea who was beside me. We both knew I needed a miracle. He opened the alter for healing and people lined up. I was supposed to man the soundboard, so I didn't go up. Chelsea kept urging me to, but I was hesitant. Once I could tell that we were getting close to the end, I could not stay seated any longer. I left the sound booth and went to the front. When Daniel finally placed his hand on my head, God spoke to me through him. I know it was God. He looked at me and said,

 "You have got to stop beating yourself up. You've got to let go of this to be the Husband you're supposed to be, and one day the father you're supposed to be. You've got to let go of this once and for all." 

I have been porn free since that night. Now as I write I've been free for 160 days and counting.

Just a little deeper now. My mom introduced us to an indian healer named Jamie who not only does facials but is a messenger for the spiritual realm. If you are skeptical, I get it. I was too until I got my facial. She told me things I was struggling with on a daily basis that I couldn't have even articulated myself. It was that specific. Gods ways are more mysterious than I thought. Without going into detail, she told me things that were very spiritually healing for me. My mom, brothers and sisters all had a similar experience. Jamie told us each what our spirit animals were. Mine was an Owl. This is a long story for another day, but owls and I go back to my childhood. They have always been drawn to me and I to them. That is when I knew God was involved. 

Next month I got another facial. This time was a little different. She saw a vision of a bear that had a squirrel up a tree. The squirrel was terrified and could not come down. She said the bear represented the amount of fear. I told Jamie that the squirrel was my inner child. 

A few days prior I was speaking with my mom and Chelsea about how I felt like a part of me was missing. I thought it may be my inner child. I felt unable to connect to that innocent part of myself. It was just gone and I didn't know how to access it. Well guess what. When I was a child I was obsessed with squirrels. A lot of my friends gave me the nick name "Squirrel" because I loved them so much. Perhaps it was my spirit animal when I was younger. Anyways, the vision was confirmation that my inner child was "afraid to come down". I also found it strange that the album I had finished writing earlier in the year was about a little boy that climbed a tree as an escape from reality. hmmm…

My mom knows everything, so she texted me and told me she thought it was the divorce. Great, she was right. My parents divorce destroyed me. I was part of  a big, happy family and it fell apart in the blink of an eye.  I could say a lot about it, but I won't. Life was so good before it happened. I remembered that the last house I felt true joy in was our house on Baja Court (we had moved from it before the divorce). I thought I had coped with the divorce, but I really just buried the pain like everything else. Then it dawned upon me. Little Andrew is still at that house. I left him there. But why? Upon further reflection and of course some tears I realized he had to stay there. All he knew was a pure, innocent, joyful life. He saw what was coming and, unable to bear it, he detached himself from me. He stayed behind because he could not endure the pain of his family splitting apart. He "climbed a tree" and stayed there. 

Obviously I had to do something. I needed this long forgotten part of myself if I was ever going to feel whole again. I had to go to him. I had to go alone to a tree and climb to him. So the next day I did. I spoke out loud to him and told him what happened. Why he had to stay behind. Why he was so afraid to come down. He cried a lot. He was very angry and very sad. I told him it was okay to be. I prayed that God mend the gap between us. Between me and my inner child. He did. I climbed down with Little Andrew, connected again for good. 

There are a few more important things that happened in 2013. 

I stumbled upon the idea of mindfulness and started practicing meditation. Despite false assumptions, meditation is not just for the Buddhists and Hindus. It is universal. It is for the humans. It is self reflection and inner contemplation. It is practicing mindfulness and consciousness. It is finding balance in your spirit and body. It has been extremely beneficial to me and I recommend it. 

One of my resolutions was to release my first album. I released two. 

I played my first "secular" gig at a massage open house. It was small, but the experience was really good for me. I overcame a lot of fears about performing and exposing my art to the public.

I started writing my first novel, which is on my bucket list. 

I became an uncle. My little sister Honey is pregnant, and though it has been a strange experience for our family, we are all very excited.

My wife and I celebrated 2 years of marriage!

 I have been juicing every day since July 15 (The same day I broke my addiction). I have never felt healthier mentally and physically. 

I have suffered from insomnia for a long time and depression makes it much worse. I had anxiety attacks almost every night and would have to wake Chelsea up.

I am finally starting to sleep full nights and get tired a little earlier. If I can't sleep, I use the waking hours to be creative instead of allowing anxiety to overpower me.

Throughout the year a small group of close friends started having regular wine nights. I cannot tell you how many times these nights saved me. They are some of my most cherished memories. These were nights that we were all free to say and do anything without judgement. They were nights to be fully human. To share pain, love, laughter, and tears. Chelsea, Johnny, Kilee, Carson, Morgan, I love you all so much.

2013 was painful, but so is restoration. I learned how to control depression. I defeated an addiction to pornography. I connected with my inner child. I'm learning how to maintain a sound mind through meditation. I have a job doing something I love to do and that I'm good at. There is so much more that I haven't mentioned. But here at the end of the year, I have embarked on a new journey. 

Self love. 

With all of these burdens lifted, I have to rediscover who Andrew is. I will learn to allow myself to be myself, whatever that is. In meditation, I found that the biggest fear I have is the fear of disapproval. I am terrified to be true to myself, because that gives people the opportunity to disapprove. A lot of people know my name in this small town of Keystone Heights, none of which know who I am. Not even my closest friends or family know who I am. I have hidden it too well. I act in whatever way seems the most acceptable to the people around me. I will be whoever you want me be if it means I am validated. As long as I have your approval, I will even become something I hate. This will be a long journey indeed. I set out to approve of myself and not depend on the approval of others. To love myself so that I may love others. If you cannot love yourself, how can you love your neighbor? 

This year my life changed. I am becoming a better version of myself. I am unearthing the true essence of my being. I am waking up. I started the year in darkness. I can see the sun now. I have hope. I am being renewed. 

Tonight before I started writing this, I was thinking in the shower about everything that has happened this year. No year has been like this one. I suddenly remembered a very subtle detail at the beginning of the year, in early January.

 Our pastor preached a sermon about new years resolutions and promises we make for the year. He ended the message with this. He told us to forget the resolutions and the promises. He said, 

"One word. 

One word will come to your mind and it is there for a reason. 

It is your word to remember throughout the year." 

This sent a shiver down my spine under a hot shower. An unfamiliar feeling of self worth overwhelmed me when I  remembered the word that came to my head that day at the beginning of 2013. 

"Rise."

Looking back on this year, I think it has been monumental. I will write about that in great detail and eloquence in my Year in Review. But for now, I would like to pause, breathe, and say that I have hope. Hope that there is a Truth. Hope that I have purpose, and Hope that I am seen by God. These are a few of the reasons for said Hope in no order of merit, affection, or importance...

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."

I am somehow paying my bills, which means business is ok.

My kids are smart.

My looks are fading, but my mind is kind of beautiful.

I have friends that care about me. They call and ask how I am doing. How awesome is that?

I am finally coming out of a thick pathological fog that I was led into. I have learned that my intuition is dead on.

I know that the Walking Dead will be back in February. I need to post about what I have gathered from the Dead. It's been relevant.

I have hope in my honesty, love, and my ideas about empathy, vulnerability, and faithfulness. There is a normal. It looks different but there are common threads that are woven through all normal. Tiny living fibers that can not lie. I knew it, and now I KNOW it.

I am not only receiving the gift of a grandchild, but my seer friend told me that he was coming, that he was a boy, and that his Light would heal me of the heartache I have experienced. She told me all of this before we even thought that Honey was pregnant.

I have hope that I am transforming from a butterfly to a bear. It is happening.

And I have hope that my spirit is about to soar. Not just survive. But Renaissance. I believe.

Thanksgiving was nice. I cooked a turkey and all of the traditional dishes to go with it. My kids came over as well as Micah and Tracy. It was a good day.

I've been a little introspective these days. Quietly transforming from butterfly to bear, or so I've been told. Evidently Bear is quiet this time of year. Gathering strength for the winter. In the Spring, I should be hungry and ready to kick some ass. Just in time for Honey's baby to be born.

I am content. I have enough answers to hold me over for a long time. Several winters. Things that I have learned and now need to cultivate into my life. I am not sad anymore about all of my expectations that were not met. I've been married twice now. ( "L" on forehead). I love men, but I think I'll wear my garlic earrings and a big crucifix for a while. I tend to give my neck a little too quickly. I'm a sucker for that big cape and all.

Happy holidays.

Meekly Howling at the Moon. And Beating my Chest Just a Little.

¹man·i·fes·to

 noun \ˌma-nə-ˈfes-(ˌ)tō\

: a written statement that describes the policies, goals, and opinions of a person or group

 

I do this every now and then. I like to clarify my policies, goals, and opinions. To myself. Sometimes these rants are motivated by anger, and I type it all out, post it, and then delete it. It's like I drain the poison on unsuspecting, good natured people. That's no way to live.

 

But I am manifesting today regardless. I am not mad. Not at all. Not even sad, which is delightful. I have not been sad now for quite a run, and I am not cocky about it. I am like the person at the zoo that found out the hard way NOT to tap on the glass at the reptile exhibit. I get it. I will observe the snakes in an orderly fashion or avoid the whole damn building.

 

So this is the deal. I have gifts. They are intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. We all have them, and feel free to elaborate on yours in the comment box. I would love to read about them. But mine are here, too. I say that because I am learning that I have been willing, my whole life, to diminish my gifts to receive love. Unfortunately my little plan NEVER works. It goes something like this: I find an impossible source of love. One that is doomed and flawed from the get go. Then I pour my heart out in an attempt to fix this situation. Nothing gets fixed, but I got to act out my tragic cycle. Yuk. So God (insert whatever entity you adhere to) allowed me to get my fill. I am talking Thanksgiving full. I have been in a scenario where I cannot disappear enough. There is no bottom, no point too low, the Who on Horten's clover. I have met my match. My martyr abilities (and I am good) have been sucked dry. And graciously, I concede. After all, a person's a person no matter how small. Thank God for Horten.

 

I am Karen Marie Louque Miller. I am smart, funny, highly observant, loving, empathetic, vulnerable, and intimate. I know things. I feel lies. I have my entire life. They, the lies, create an energy that even the best of liars cannot control. And I have seen some of the best. I rarely speak of this, because there is no need. It's no party trick. I am digressing....Anyway, I see things. I can communicate, and my heart is pretty good. I hate organized group exercise. I like sex. I am not only tired of becoming invisible to be loved (wtf?), but I am done with it. I am going to flourish. I will ask my questions about the past, the present, and the future. I expect to be treated with respect. I will respect myself. And in the end, if I am left being my own "girl", then so be it. I would rather walk through whatever is left of my allotted time being honest. I am honest. It physically hurts to be any other way.

 

Thank you, God, for making me drink way more than I could handle. You dared me to do one or two more shots of tequila. Everyone was watching, and You knew it would make me sick. I woke up not knowing where I was, and my pants were gone. Tequila. My hangover is still lingering, but that's probably good, too. Good luck to everybody in your journey toward wholeness, enlightenment, or just peace and contentment. I am like Rabbit when he tried to lose Tigger in the woods. I am humbled. Forever. God thinks I am worth this. And for the first time, I truly do, too.

 

 

10,000 Reasons

I do not understand the inner workings of my heart, although I am always trying, trying, trying. My bedroom looks like the Uni-bomber headquarters for psychology, prayer, and extreme coping. There are books, handwritten lists, my laptop, crystals, Kleenex, and good vibes. I am not a good candidate for having my heart thrown away. Figured that shit out.  I must know why, how, when, and I just can't allow that to happen again. It won't.

I have strong days and setbacks (real or perceived). I look toward the east and then think the west may suit me. What a friggin' trip this has been.

Through it all, my faith is here. Not only here, but validated, justified, girded. God reminds me all day that my fragile state is what it's always been. We are all on the brink of getting our ass kicked. We are all a moment away from that phone call, that pain or someone else's, that metaphoric or actual blow to the ribs that takes your breath away. I can enjoy the happy minutes. And I will.

The path to enlightenment is long and interesting. But I am glad to be holding the hand of my God. As Evan and I like to maintain, the injured are dangerous. They know they can survive.

Absolutely.

Love Salmon

Today is another day in our existence. Another chance to live well. I am in a struggle these days. I hate that my blog is sometimes a little sad. But since this is my small history, I can be true to that. Maybe by putting these events and nuances and dreams into words, I will make some sense. At the very least, I will record it. Interpretation is relative. It's my teeny weeny, well intended contribution to this Road.

Each day is this long journey of emotion and spirit and psychological hills and valleys. I am a hopeful person. I believe that anything can be fixed and that with enough love, there is nothing that can't be healed. I am just having to adjust my definition of fixed and healed. Evidently, it's broader than my scope. Who knew?

Love.

 It covers the multitude of sins. It is the greatest of all the gifts. In the end , it will be everything, so it's where we are all heading. In this great human migration. We are all collectively and autonomously moving toward It. Some of us are looking down, some up. Many are just swept in the  tide not aware that they are in a great, deep current. Some of us have been chosen to swim against the current. To miraculously break ourselves and still get there. Like salmon, we will fight, unwind, jump obstacles, injure ourselves against all odds for the undeniable urge to get home. And die. That is how it feels for me. I have this love in me. It is tragic and beautiful. But my course just won't be altered. I will see this love through. Like all of us. Some will just carry on, swept away in this enormous group of light and dark. They can't or won't acknowledge that we are all moving. But I can see. I prefer to see. Love is at the end. Or in the center. And God is Love.

I am learning how to pray. Again. For this time. Right now is just to be healed. To be filled up and given strength. I hope soon I will have enough light to shine again on others. I hope after all this I will be warm enough to warm someone else. I pray for truth, light, and for those that probably have no hope. Can't help myself.

God is good to me. I will accept all of this.

Tomorrow is October. My favorite time of year! There are so many things to be thankful for in Fall alone. The cool air resulting in better hair, football all over the place, the blue of the sky, and the stars at night. Pumpkin pies, apple pies, and being with the good people that I love.

My grandchild is now the size of a green olive. With each day of awareness I am healed in some important way. Light has already begun to show itself.

I have never prayed more in my life. I think its because I am praying for my life. And my prayers are answered each time. My heart is full of joy. I see signs and receive knowledge and am given strength all day long. I am happily living by faith. It's freaky at the beginning of the week or month, but it always seems to work out.

I am walking with my head above the crowd. Like a tall person, but in a spiritual sense. It's nice up here, and the air is fresh.

I love that my job attempts to bring healing to people. I get to love people with intention and, as I have heard it aptly put, with informed touch. Nice.

May the Autumn of 2013 be my favorite. It has potential.

The Knowing

I took a walk this morning. With classical music to drown out all the vampires, the darkness, and the entities that mock me. As I walked about a half mile from my house, a single butterfly "crossed" me. She stayed in front of me and led me to my house through the neighborhood. She lighted right at my door and stayed  just a moment while I cried. Then she flew away. She is the only one I saw. She is yellow, and she knows the way home.

Thank You. You see me, and the things I know and see are the truth. I am glad and not afraid.

to my kids

"Be Still" The Fray

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am

Honey

I got the news a week ago that my daughter Honey is expecting a sweet baby. After going through what I refer to as the lightning round of the stages of grief, I am now resting in acceptance. the response from so many people has been love, support, and overwhelming joy. Thank you all. I have a few thoughts about the whole thing that I would like to share.

Honey is perfect. By perfect, I mean human. Just like all of us. She has the interesting destiny of walking around all day, and her decisions, mistakes, accidents, or just personal actions will be physically evident for all to see. She is my child. She is afraid, but not weak. We are embarking on this journey with joy, positive energy, and love. Lots of love. Honey is smart and intuitive and her own person. My goal is for her to find her voice, her mother love and her inner mama bear. I could not be more proud of all of my children. They are all real and true and full of light.

There are always going to be cracks in the system. There will be those that may, for their own fractured reasons, feel the need to judge or control Honey. Some people, when faced with love and light, squint and get very uncomfortable. That is not my problem. Nor is it Honey's. For now, I will be a shield as best as I can.

Our sweet baby is the size of a raspberry! Its brain is developing as well as its heart. These are big times.

Butterfly and Bear

I have learned a lot in the last few days. Some things too big to speak of. One thing that I can speak of is that my spirit animal is a butterfly. I never really thought much about that before, but a medicine woman told me. She told me many things. She said I am a butterfly because all I can do right now is flutter about and try to bring joy to people. And the whole metamorphosis. And the fragility. I get the fragility part.

As I expressed to a few close friends, while the butterfly seems lovely, and I like nothing more than flitting and flying to make people happy, it seems like somebody could easily tear my little wings off. Or clap me in their big hands. Or pin me into one of those science project displays on the Styrofoam. There is a Counting Crows song about scooping a girl up in a butterfly net. Hmmm.
Anyway, I kind of feel vulnerable. They (including the spiritual lady) agreed. But it's where I am.

And so I will learn what I am supposed to learn about being a butterfly. Having once been a different creature, transforming, and becoming something new. Being small and light. Being able to fly. That's nice. And maybe I can sit on a flower every now and then and just breathe. Whatever lessons I am to learn, I want to learn them and move along. I never want to learn some of these things again. Maybe I am still in the cocoon. Not even ready to be seen. Just all wrapped up tightly. Cozy really. The way I have felt before, but this time, alone. I can do this. God help me.

Good night, loves. My next animal on my totem is a bear. Strong things are headed my way. And I like salmon just fine.

Sunday with coffee

Good Morning! I am back from my little night away. It was ok. I wasn't expecting the gush of emotion from being alone somewhere that I would have normally been with someone else. So that was different. But, as I have told my good children, if you have tears, cry them out. They are no good on the inside. I will go with a buddy next time!

I have begun to make it known that I will perform massage on a "whatever you can afford" basis. My heart feels so light every time I go in that direction. I like money. It provides good times for me and my kids. But I want my life to be simple. I am hoping that it (life) will mean more than work and sleep. I want to be in this moment. So bring on the unknown. I have faith.

I struggle at times with how much to share on this forum. I try to stay true to myself and not censor. But I don't want to drag others into my freedom without consent! Tricky. I have been through things that I not only would like to record, but I know there are others that would benefit from my floundering about. My father was abusive, but I never want that to be the only thing people know about him. He was so multi-faceted. So colorful and larger than life. I could describe events from my childhood, but it is only part of the picture. A snapshot really. He was the greatest example of love and loyalty that I have yet to encounter. He loved through a jungle of inner torment. That's what I would prefer to portray.

And so my life goes on. I am recovering. Always recovering it seems. Recovering and recovering. Kind of fucking tired of recovering. I choose not to disclose the details, because my truth is wrapped up in other peoples' pathologies. Tired of that as well. I am ready to move to a different plane. A higher, more free, more aware, peaceful plane. It requires not only closing the door on people, but adding a deadbolt, and then boarding up for good measure.

So let it begin. Again. And again and again. Whatever it takes. No matter how many times I have to start over. As my friend once said upon saying good bye, there is always someone to love.

a little time to type

I am happily typing. I choose to be.

Football has begun, I am trying to solidify my massage practice, and I am learning how to meditate, to still this mind. I am looking at my bank account, scribbling budgets everyday (they always look the same), and hoping that I can eek out a life for myself and my kids. I realize some of my kids are actually adults, but we are all in this together. Queue the High School Musical 3 song.

I am going Friday night to the beach. By myself. I am happy to do that, although it's bittersweet. It takes a long time to turn some corners. But I am. I will have fun. I am searching for Karen Marie, but will be channeling Vance the III. At the beach. Alone. (Clink, Clyde!)

I have shifted my reading and studying from the outside to the inner. To me. I am reading about a war that is art, what an empath is and why we do what we do, what it means to reflect goodness and positive energy, and what I want from life, food, words, and a man. I like that little list because some of them give and some get, and some do both.

I am full of awe at the ways that God (my view) speaks and guides me each day. Little messages, small miracles, beauty in so many places and people. I am trying to go in a direction, and when I make strides, I get a cool breeze on my back. When I have a setback, I never feel judged, but the air gets still. And muggy. It's all spirit, but I can feel it. I know it. I have my answer, but God is letting me take the long way down the mountain. He knew I was exhausted, and I may not make it if I had to move faster. I was and am the flickering flame that He will not snuff out. He will not extinguish me, but will let me dance around the wick as though there is no wind, no danger, no darkness all around.

Being full of empathy as opposed to absolutely nothing, I find it very hard to give up on people. I keep believing in redemption. Thinking and praying for people to "come around". Not happenin.

Along with Empath, I think I can safely label myself as a Universalist. Maybe not in a strict sense. Or maybe so. I just have always believed that the grace of God is bigger and more powerful than any bad thing. (this includes but is not limited to Hell and death). I have maintained that the people that are in heaven will shock us all. And I will gladly be surprised. Let mercy be the big thing! My eggs are certainly in that basket. Sorry all you Brimstoners! I just don't think there is a Hell the way that most people consider it. And not only does that NOT give me a license to molest children and puppies, rob the convenience store or the BBQ restaurant, it actually makes me want to do good. To live up to this gift. She who is forgiven much, loves much.

Happy day, loves. I am moving closer to truth. To me and to God. That will be home.

Callin' Baton Rouge

Love this. Nick Cave

Translation in progress. Please wait...

People just ain't no good
I think that's well understood
You can see it everywhere you look
People just ain't no good

We were married under cherry trees
Under blossom we made pour vows
All the blossoms come sailing down
Through the streets and through the playgrounds

The sun would stream on the sheets
Awoken by the morning bird
We'd buy the Sunday newspapers
And never read a single word


Seasons came, seasons went
The winter stripped the blossoms bare
A different tree now lines the streets
Shaking it's fists in the air
The winter slammed us like a fist
The windows rattling in the gales
To which she drew the curtains
Made out of her wedding veils

People they ain't no good

To our love send a dozen white lilies
To our love send a coffin of wood
To our love let all the pink-eyed pigeons coo
That people they just ain't no good
To our love send back all the letters
To our love a valentine of blood
To our love let all the jilted lovers cry
That people they just ain't no good

It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They can comfort you, some even try
They nurse you when you're ill of health
They bury you when you go and die
It ain't that in their hearts they're bad
They'd stick by you if they could
But that's just bullshit
People just ain't no good

on a more happy note

Things that I like or maybe love in no order of merit or affection...

Pretty Peggy Day, The Walking Dead, Holden Huggins' hair, the way the moon looks tonight, all of my friends (and they are, in fact, too many to name), the word pontificate, bathing in coconut oil, the Fall, my heart, the smell of man cologne, good books, walking on a beach by day or night, laughing with my children (they are funny people), good food, love songs when I can bear it, a witty exchange, the game called Ask Drunk Kenny Questions, my job, the sky in November, getting dressed up and feeling pretty, flowers, red wine, eclairs, and you.

Getting there

When I became pregnant for the first time, I became an expert. I wanted to know at every level what was happening to me, my precious baby, and how I could make every cell and nuance better. I was on a mission. I not only understood pregnancy and childbirth, but dove into breastfeeding and every developmental aspect I could get my mind around. I don't leave things to chance.

I did the same thing when I converted to a more devoted version of my faith when I was 18. Oh my. I wasn't just going to listen to some preacher or adhere to a code. I read for myself and purchased concordances and dictionaries that I could look for myself into the Hebrew and Greek meanings of words and phrases. I wanted historical and cultural contexts. And as a result, I do not base my life and heart on chance. I know what I believe. I am on the rock.

And so it goes....immunizations, education, the development of the character of my children, and on and on. Which brings me to now. I have been silent on the last few years of my life. I have been euphoric, high on oxytocin and dopamine (these are from our brain not the streets), confused, lied to, in a pathological nightmare. I have not said much, because honestly, I do not have a grasp of any of it.

 Yet.

 I am like a cowboy trying to keep a herd of cows together on my own. I am exhausted but the corral is just around the bend. And when I get there, my words and my actions will be prolific. I promise.

My cows have names. Cognitive dissonance, intrusive thoughts, dichotomy, and the worst, psychopathy. I am trying to learn about things I am in the midst of suffering from. Which is tricky. It's like waking up in a raging war and not knowing who the enemy is, what my weapons are, and by the way, I am losing and about to die. I am having to grasp what trauma bonding is, psychopathic exposure and discard, and learn the power of emotional addiction in my physical brain. My brain. Chemicals and shit.  My God. I have always been afraid of cows.

But, knowledge has always been power for me. Knowing what the fuck is going on is a huge chunk of the battle. I am learning. A lot. And when I am in a place that I can clearly and eloquently tell my story, I will. I am respectful. And I will always be.

This has been the most emotionally draining, debilitating, disorienting, insidious experience of my life. Period. And I hope it remains to be since I am not in the mood to learn about pain anymore. I'm sure I am not done. But the beautiful thing is that God carries me. And when I am in the dark, He always says Polo when I say Marco. I will be fine.

Corrie Ten Boom's sister said in the concentration camp, "There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still. " Absolutely. I am not lost. I still have an honest heart, the capacity to love, the hope of mercy, and I know how to tell the truth and be sorry for hurting people. I am still sad, but I have power.