Happy New Year to My Kids

As I have said before in one way or another, in 1989 my heart jumped out of my chest and started walking around outside of me. It multiplied 5 times over the following years. Had I known what I know now I would most definitely do it all over again. You have defined and saved my life a million times. Thank you.

I know I work all the time now. I am spread so thin that nobody gets as much as I would like to give. I miss so many little things. Please know that you are in my heart, my intentions, and my thoughts all day. I will make some money one day, and you will have everything you need. I swear.

2010 was great, but let's look ahead. This next year can be our best. We will laugh, dance, cheer, cry a little, work and play. LSU will play some baseball, and we will roll some dice on full count. I want to go to the beach, to the mountains, and to the mall with you. I know what it feels like to be comforted with the fact that someone is out there and loving you. My Dad was like that. I hope I am that for you.

I am that for you.

 So, Happy New Year to my children. I hope you don't go with the crowd unless they are dancing, preferably in front of a marching band. I hope you defend the weak, and if someone messes with one of you, I hope they have to go through the other 4. You know they will have to deal with me as well. And the Canadian. Choose to be happy. Work hard. Love somebody that doesn't deserve it. As my dad and any of my grandparents would say," Give 'em hell." I love you with all of me. It hurts it's so much, but it's a good hurt.

My letter to my Johhny's girls....

To My BBQ Girls (and guys),


As some of you know, I have gotten a job “across the street” with Keystone Insurance. I will start with the New Year, so here I go. I feel like I’m getting out of Shawshank and scared to death I can’t make it on the outside. I may be back.

I started working here during the most difficult time of my life. You have all held my hand, listened to me cry and complain, and even offered to hurt people for me. Then you watched as I stalked Tracy, fell ridiculously in love, and married him. I remember telling Cara I had a crush on him, and Andrea did my section 4 side work so I could go on my first date! You have all been the greatest sisters I could hope for.

I will NEVER be the same. You are all the strongest, most loyal, funniest, bad ass bunch of women I have ever had the honor to be with. I am better for knowing each of you. I will never work with more honest, hard working, absolutely pleasant people. You are all my picks for my imaginary bar fight team. Seriously, somebody would get hurt. I would not fight, of course, but I would run for help if you got in trouble.

Here are my tips you:

-Fluff the ice like you mean it. (Your Mother fluffs it like she means it!)

-White bag the set ups.

-Don’t overstock, damn it. (except for Brandy. Carry on)

-Don’t take shit from old men.

-Be nice to Dave.

-Be patient with the new girls. I still feel like a new girl.

-Get on your knees and thank God you work for Johnny Mason. If you don’t think it’s necessary, go work somewhere else. You’ll know what I mean.

-Continue to make the Century 21 lady give her phone number. For me.

-Enjoy all the inappropriate, dirty humor.


With All the Love in My Heart,

Karen Louque Miller

Christmas Eve

The King of Catering and me



Honey, Bradley, Jenn, me, Isabelle, Evan, Andrew, Chelsea, Chase.



Without Jenn....



To the people I miss

View from heaven, Yellowcard

I'm just so tired Won't you sing me to sleep
And fly through my dreams
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight
And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just ain't the same without you in my life

Late night drives, all alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines from all our favorite songs
And melodies in the air
Singin' life just ain't fair
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here

Yesterday I watched To Kill a Mockingbird. Again. It's one of my favorite movies, and my blog is named after a passage in the book/movie. There are so many good things in that story, but one part stood out to me yesterday as it always does. The kids are at the courthouse spying on Atticus while Tom Robinson is being charged. Dill is looking through the window, descibing what he sees, and says the judge looks like he's sleeping, and there's a black man crying. Dill wondered what the black man had done to cry about.

I'm always affected by that. It's interesting that we assume certain things about people. It never occurred to Dill that Tom was crying because someone did something to him.

I lived my life a very long time in two realities. One was inside of me and the other for everybody else. I am sure people assumed all sorts of things, but they never knew the truth. I try not to do that to people. Tracy is like that, too. One of the millions of reasons I love him. I hope our children can learn to accept people and have some mercy.

“An‘ they chased him ’n‘ never could catch him ’cause they didn’t know what he looked like, an‘ Atticus, when they finally saw him, why he hadn’t done any of
those things… Atticus, he was real nice…”
His hands were under my chin, pulling up the cover, tucking it around me.
“Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them.”

A favorite all time moment

And what happened then...?


Well...in Who-ville they say

That the Grinch's small heart

Grew three sizes that day!

And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light

And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!

And he...



...HE HIMSELF...!

The Grinch carved the roast beast!

~Dr Seuss

I'm not sure about resolutions. They are fun to make, but not very likely to keep. At least for me.

There are things that I would like to know, to change, to embrace. Maybe this next year will be that for me. I look back and see some pretty big deals that happened in 2010. My long divorce finally became a reality. I also got married. I know. I love a man that is a pleasure.

I danced a victory jig with Honey, Bradley, Andrew, Kam, and Evan in front of the UF band. After we won. That was a great one. This also solidified Honey's LSU fan status. 4 down....Bellie is next.

I have found out that my mind is complicated. A little obsessive. I already knew this, but I was hoping with age it would get easier. Not.

I am the jealous type. Yeah, I said it. You probably are, too. I realize it has to do with this notion that I don't cut it, but whatever. I need to cut it....

I want to make more money. I want my kids' needs to be met without having to grovel to people with a million bad excuses. I will twist and turn and morph into all sorts of things to make it good for people. But don't f#*k with my kids. I am currently looking forward to meeting a particular woman, a mom, that thought it would be ok to openly malign one of my sons....I will meet her. She and I will have a moment. I get all tingly just thinking about it.

I want to be whatever I am without hesitation. Take it or leave it. I have been what everybody wants for so long. All things to all people, and that is good.  But I'm here, too.

I want a non crushable spirit. I am out here. Exposed. A 45 year old little girl. Oh well.

Some people I like. Thank you Kam!!!



Andrew and his ukelele.



Evan doing something freaky and Honey looking on.

Some would say a younger version of me. I say a better one.

Quotes

Some quotes from the year...

"That's bizarre." Mason, many times. He has met his quota with this one.

"Do mean large or jumbo?" Every Johnny's girl at one time or another.

"Wouldn't you like to stick this in someone's chest?" Tracy, holding a pitchfork. I said no, and oddly was not creeped out.

"I wouldn't mind sticking a pitchfork in someone's chest." Dave, too.

"I do." Me and my Miller.

"Please be nice to me." Me

"Go home, get drunk, and take advantage of yourself." Me again, to lonely women everywhere.

"As if any of you have any remote clue what he would think in this situation, or as if his take on the situation would be the right one. Stop using Paw Paw." Bradley in perfect form trying to get people to stop speaking on the authority of my dad. Loved this!

"You won't out bitch me." Tara. She said this quietly in the ear of a young woman who was in way over her head.

"Love you, too." Honey. Sweet words.

"If you ever loved somebody, put ya hands up." Nelly

"I want a baby tiger." Andrew and Evan

"I may not provide food and clothes, but I give my children morals." A fool.

"Don't you dare let them see you cry." Kyle Tate, my lawyer

"I'm gay." One of the best friends in the world.

Love you all. More later.....

Tired

2011 is going to be a new beginning kind of year. New husband, new home, new family, new everything. Some things remain. I love my kids more than I can say. I love Tracy. I love food. I love God.

I am different now, too. If you want to hurt me, get in line. There are parts of me that are untouchable. No one gets to do what's been done before. That's it. I will never give access to anyone to tear my heart in half. The things that have petrified me the most, I have faced. I'm not saying I won or anything. Contrarily, I lost. But that will never happen again. I don't talk a lot with anyone about all that.

I am looking forward to all the good things that are on my horizon. I hope I can be a good wife and mother and friend and employee. Shit. That's a lot. I look in my mirror and see this woman with an old looking neck and I wonder who she is, because I'm still Karen Louque, 18 or 14 or 21 or something. I still think I'm this irreverant little Louisiana girl that can tell you to kiss my ass. Actually, I am her. It's late.

Ok, I need to go to bed. Good night blog people.

Yesterday marked the 8th year since my Daddy was on earth. That's all.

An early Recap.

This year is coming to a close so quickly. So much has happened. I've changed my name twice (both great improvements), I have sold a house, moved, cried about some things, laughed more, been wrongly judged by unlikely people, been loved unconditionally by more, and gotten married to the man that I for so long  could only dream of.

 I've looked into the dilated eyes of my son and had him tell me that I am his mom but other than that he can't remember anything. I have seen pain in each of my children and just prayed, because that's all I can do. I have watched my children embrace my loving Tracy, and I know that this is the beginning of a great time in their lives.

There are some things that I knew that were reinforced. People are what they do. Period. Don't say pretty things about love and whatnot and be a jerk. You're a jerk. Please change. It's not too late.

I have learned once again that the world does not revolve around me. I keep trying....

I have missed home and realized that home is a place inside of me. Corny and very Wizard of Oz, but true. My home is me and next to Tracy Miller. My kids will one day fly. Soar, hopefully.

I am realizing that life is not about what other people say it is. It is about waking up and loving someone, going to work, buying food and electricity, and breathing, finding something pretty to look at, reading, and laughing.. I have read that God takes pleasure in me. That He created me because He just wanted to. That's got to be ok with me. So here I am....it's me and some topless lady in Africa walking around doing our thing. I won't presume to know how she feels. Not my job. I'm just supposed to love her if I meet her. And so it goes...

I have been called an immoral harlot, beautiful, sexy, the best Mom in the world, a fornicator, a survivor, out of control and living in la la land, a bright spot in some people's day. Dave said I make people better. I'll take that one, although it's probably because compared to me, everyone is better! :)

I will continue to say good bye's, which I despise, and hello's to new people to love. I will begin to embrace this friggin' aging process. I will keep my ass in shape as long as possible. I will still practically lactate when I see a newborn. Sweetest miracle in this world. I will wish that I could go back and love Tracy through all of my life. I will continue to put you first and me second. It's my offering to God. I will fail sometimes.

So here's an Early Happy New Year. I am trying to compile my favorite quotes of the year. I'll do that soon. Until then, I love you for reading my thoughts. It's the biggest compliment even if you don't like them. You are regarding me. Thank you.

Merry and Bright

Christmas is coming soon with all it's chaos. I love this time of year, but it is hectic.

I am amazed at how easily and naturally all of our children have adapted to living together. We thought it might take a while, but everybody is happy and fine. I am so thankful. We're quite a group.

I love being a well treated wife. That's the best, nicest way I can say it. I am reminded often of how things were for me in the past. With the exception of an occasional nightmare, I am well beyond. I used to dread the road ahead of me. Now I am full of hope and anticipation of what lies ahead. I know it won't all be rosy, but I'm not afraid of that. I am who I am supposed to be. A little older, a little wiser, very silly, and unafraid. I like it.

Never too late

I'm starting to think of things I want to do now that I am living out my greatest dream. It's kind of a resolution type thought...

I want to...

 get back to the gym.

learn to play the guitar. Andrew said he'll teach me.

write that book.

take those pictures.

meet the needs of my children.

spoil Tracy. I mean excessive spoiling.

That's about it. How about some others?

Don't Postpone Joy

Hello! We are back from our weekend Honeymoon and ready to start living this out. I love my husband. He is pleasure to travel with. I have never seen anyone happier to look upon mountains as he was. We will definitely go back.

We loved Asheville. I never knew what a cool little city that was. Such a funky, earthy vibe. Very stylish in a simple, urban, eclectic way.

I need to go. I have lots to say, but no time right now. I did see a good motto at Laurey's Gourmet Comfort Food: Don't Postpone Joy. I like that. Have a nice day living...

12/1

It's December! The year has truly flown by with the exception of August, which lasted 6 months. (Sally agrees). I have had 3 names this year. I will settle in with Karen Louque Miller. Eternal Miller time.

I am so amazed at the genuine well wishes of so many people. Thank you again for that. I am also amazed at the complete silence of others. It's my blog, and I can say that. I think...well I won't go there. I am happy. That is enough.

I am thinking already about the New Year. This is the tiime to write a book. If anybody has any suggestions, input, or advice, please give! I will try.

Going to work. It will be a long day culminating with a hug from my perfect husband. Have a nice day.

Blessed Unions and Whatnot

To begin, thank you. You know who you and who you're not. There are people in my life that simply love me and want to see Tracy and I happy. It is so encouraging to know that you truly have goodness in your hearts toward us. I hope with all my heart that you are blessed for this. We will now continue with what we've already been doing....loving each other and trying to make our kids' lives happy and full., being kind to one another, and watching sunsets.

I'll be honest. A marriage license doesn't change much. It's a notarized piece of paper that the state of Florida charges $92 to score. I am happy to have it because it will make my kids' lives easier, and Tracy and I can legally help one another more readily in an emergency. But other than that, it's nothing. Sorry.

 I'm not saying that Marriage is nothing. That is completely different. Marriage is a beautiful union and covenant that is perfect and sacred. I am just a little gray on how God sees the whole thing. He's not American.  I believe He is always seeing and weighing hearts. So as far as I'm concerned, Tracy and I were legit about a year ago. Weddings are cultural and full of tradition and I love them. But they are ours. Man's. Marriage belongs to God, and it has to do with souls and commitment and the integrity that affords me to promise to love and respect and completely cherish this man that I am smitten with.  And I will.

So to all, we are married. The State of Florida recognizes it, some religious people can see it, and we can file jointly. But you can't notarize my heart and mind. I am the happiest woman in the world. To each his or her own. I don't expect you to march to my beat. It would probably throw me off, because I am not very coordinated. Just do you and I'll do me as the song says.

 Joy, joy, joy!

A few pics from our wedding

Thank you to everyone who came.We had a great time. A special endless thanks to my dear friend Jenn, who took the pictures. She is wonderful and would not let me clip my hair. Kam was the crying video guy, and again, thank you so much. Johnny Mason provided the food in great fashion. We are loved and life is good.  More later, but I am a little busy.

Mr. and Mrs. Tracy Miller



Tracy and the boys (Cole, Rylee, and Ethan) Unfortunately, Austin was not there.

Chelsea, Andrew, Isabelle, Bradley, Honey, and Evan

Milestone. Pictures to come...

Today I get to become Karen Louque Miller. I have found and somehow wrangled a man who

Loves me.
Hates Chuck E. Cheese with the same passion as I.
Would prefer sitting around the house and drinking Crown all weekend.
Has character that people strive for but some never achieve.
Is hot.
Hates conformity as much as I do.
Makes me do things that I just don't do. (getting in cold water, dying my hair cheerfully, waking up at 4, changing my name, etc.)
Is hot.

I love this man. I only wish that I could somehow have more than a lifetime to be with him. Happy happy day.

Dear Daddy,

I'm pretty sure you are a follower of my blog, so...Happy Thanksgiving. I miss you. It's ironic that of all my family, I get to be seen mostly by you. At least that's what I believe. I may find out differently one day. But for now, I take comfort in the fact that you see my happiness.

What you can't see is my heart. It's very full. I cannot contain my love for my children and for Tracy. I am very happy. It's funny that people attribute traits to you now that I don't remember you having. I loved your imperfections. They made you larger than life and who you were down here. Bradley said it best when he asked someone to please stop speaking for you, because why would you be right? I loved it and I think you would, too.

Ok, I need to go. I just realized I forgot the cranberry sauce. I love you, Daddy. I wish you could swing by and pick up the kids and go to God knows where and they could experience that. I wish some things would never end.

Thankful

I am thankful for the fact that God is taking care of me in the most unorthodox ways. I like His style.

...for my Tracy Miller. He loves me enough to tell me I talk too loud and the people in Scotland don't need to hear me. I love this. He notices me and my dorkness. Tomorrow....

...for my perfect, and I mean that, children. They are funny and selfless and they appreciate me. Wow.

...for my sweet children that I am gaining. Austin, Rylee, and Ethan. More wonderful boys!

...for my boss, Johnny "King of Catering" Mason. I wish everybody could shoot the shit in the office with him. A treasure!

...for the Baton Rouge family. I am who I am because of where I came from.

...and for my amazing friends. Some are not of legal age yet, some are, but all are there for me. And I for them.

Happy Thanksgiving! I love today.

Get ready, get set

I think everybody just wants to be known or understood. To be looked at, seen, and liked.

 I do.

 I have never met a human being that did not enjoy being listened to. I need to listen more.

My days are very full. I am marrying my love. Hopefully lots of friends will come and celebrate with us. Tracy and I have families that live far away (Toronto and Baton Rouge) so we won't have them here. But our kids and great friends will be here. So, check back. I will post some pictures when the dust settles.

Life is mysterious and good and painful and joyful. I cannot describe it. It's too big.

What we say

I always tell my kids if you lay down, people will step over you. But if you keep scrambling, if you keep going, someone will always, always give you a hand. Always. But you gotta keep dancing, you gotta keep your feet moving.
Morgan Freeman


This makes me think about the things I tell my children. The nuggets of wisdom that I have tried and continue to try to instill into their hearts. I like Morgan Freeman's. I say things like:

There is always, always someone that can knock you on your behind.

I would rather you drink beer than diet drinks.

It's never ok for UF to win.

Please be kind to people in the cafeteria who have no one.

The world does not revolve around you. Or me.

Don't wake me up.

Dream it, and I'll drive you there.

I know there are more. I basically want my kids to know that they are not my property. Their hearts and minds are theirs to cultivate, protect, and understand. I have nurtured, guided, taught, corrected, and all that, but ultimately, they will think their own thoughts. I wouldn't want Karen clones. Yikes!

Just Geaux.

If you've never lived away from "home", you probably cannot imagine so many things. I love my family in Baton Rouge more than I can say. But, to quote a dear person from my past, where ever you go, there is always someone to love. Honestly, there are exceptional, great people in my life. I lived in Michigan and Florida and can say without a doubt, I have "family" in both places. Life is too short to be wasting your days wishing you were somewhere else. I have learned to love the people around me, and my life is full. No, it overflows.

People leave home for so many reasons. I know my kids will. I hope they do! I want them to live and see things and have it all. If they choose to stay in Keystone Heights, that's fine. But maybe they want to go to Seattle or NYC or England. I hope the sun is on their faces and the wind at their backs. We only get to do this once, from what I understand. It's my adventure and they get one, too. Love to all.

I have very busy exciting days ahead of me. Of course getting married is wonderful, but the real fun will be getting Tracy's house ready for us and the actual move. I can't wait. Honey and Isabelle will have their own little spaces, along with the boys. These are good times.

I am so loved and I know it by all the well wishes that people are sending to me. Thank you all so much. It is always an encouragement when people just say I love you. It means so much. I'll try to keep up with this in the coming days. I am a lucky girl.

Isabelle Marie

12 years ago, I had my 5th child. I can easily say it was my hardest pregnancy and most difficult birth. My sweet little Isabelle Marie. She was born at home during the day. She entered  the world sucking her two forefingers and twirling her hair. Quite painful. It was the only birth I literally begged Kandi for some tylenol.

I can remember the first time I heard her laugh the kind of laugh that comes from a baby's belly. She was in her little infant seat on the floor, and the boys had moved her to the end of the hall. They were taking turns running and jumping over her, and when they were in mid air above her, she would giggle. My Bellie.

She has had stitches twice in her face, and she broke her arm very badly when she was 3. My girl has always tried to keep up with the older kids. She has  always been the little one that could not win a fight, but she could destroy or hide your property. Poor Kameron. I still get sinking feelings when someone can't find their keys or phones or shoes or anything of value. She's a minx.

I love her spirit. I love that she is a happy, sweet little angel of a girl. No lie. She is a ray of sunshine. I love my girl. Happy Birthday, Isabelle. I love you with all my heart.

My life

So, Tracy and I are getting married. This cannot come as a shock to anyone who knows me. That being said, I cannot and will not call everyone I know and tell them of this perfect, wonderful news. I just don't have the time. I have told my children, my mother, and Tracy has done the same. The people that love us will be happy. The others, if they exist, don't make a difference.

We will tie this knot sometime soon in a very informal way. Just us and our kids. We will have a party after that to celebrate. Details will come soon. I love you all. Be happy for me.

Grade K

I remember my first day of kindergarten. It was 1970, and it had just become compulsory for children to go to kindergarten at all. So it was summer, and I was taking a crash course so I could start 1st grade (or as Tracy says, grade 1) on time.

I caught the bus and went to what is now Central Middle. We rode in and went straight to the cafeteria where we ate cereal in those little boxes that you poured the milk right in. Then we went in single file down the huge halls to our classroom. I remember a kid named Skeeter vividly. He was not ready to let go of his mother. He caused a fabulous scene. Screaming, crying, holding on to her legs. It was quite a show. I clearly remember not understanding what the big deal was.

I know now. I miss my mother all the time. I wonder if my kids will feel the same. Probably. Actually, I am the one holding on to their legs, I'm sure.

Some days I don't think I have what it takes to just conquer or at least face the obstacles and disappointments and unmet expectations that I grapple with. I remember a while back, probably over 10 tears ago, when we were getting ready to go somewhere with the kids. I was loading kids in the car, getting the stroller, packing all the stuff. And then it bit me. A spider. It really hurt. It sunk it's little fangs into my inner forearm. I started to swell, and then a streak went up my arm. It freaked me out. As the night wore on, everybody went to sleep,  I was up wigging at about 2 am. I just knew I would die. And then the thought occurred to me that I had been through too much ( forgive me) shit to be taken out by a bug. That was it. I went to bed.

I have to remind myself of that. I navigated my way through a completely dysfunctional childhood. I have given my heart to a couple of people that either handed it right back to me, or took it and tore it to shreds. I have been to the funerals of a boyfriend, each of my grandparents, my cousins, and my daddy. I have been abandoned by people in every way a person can be abandoned. I have sucked it up and had 5 childbirths with no drugs. And yes, mine hurt as badly as yours did. I have walked around like a corpse, eating and sleeping, trying to keep my kids' lives together. I have walked through all kinds of stuff. And here I am.

So bring on the next round. I know it's coming. I can feel it. I guess that's what life is. You're either coming out of hardship or going in to it. Either way, I can do it. I think.

Oh, by the way. I deactivated my facebook  for a  little while. I guess some of you may wonder where I have gone. I will be back soon so that I can keep up with you. Love to each of you.

small things

It is very nice to sit in my living room with all of my kids. This will end soon. I'm not ready, but I honestly would never be. They are just growing up. They are funny, smart, empathetic, and non conforming. I could not be more proud. I love their strengths and ache over their weaknesses.

I am filled up.

I had a great weekend. I spent it with Tracy, and nothing is ever better than that.

I have lots of things on my mind, but I just can't write them yet. I will though.

In the meantime, have a nice night. I will.

After the Newberry game

Evan and Chase

Chase, Reggie, moi, Ryan, and my boy!

Chase and Jenny Jenn, the reason I have pictures

I am so proud

Quickie

I can't wait until I can take care of all the people I love in one house! I run like a chicken with my head cut off, which means so much more this morning. Roux killed a chicken in my garage/dirty laundry. The perils of free range. There's a lesson there for me. I need to think.....Love to all.

The Hallow's Eve...more to come

Kam as I  think Cruise, Bradley as Snow, and Kenny a positve pregnancy test.





Ethan as Saw, Evan and Andrew as sweet litlle babies, Honey as a cute zombie, and Bellie as a ladybug. Yay!!!

My Boys

...from the Gainesville Sun...

Emotional first win for Keystone Heights

By Cliff Olsen
NEWBERRY — To say that Keystone Heights' 31-14 District 4-2B victory at Newberry on Friday night was an emotional one, would be an understatement.
Quarterback Evan Harvey was 9-for-13 passing for 107 yards and three touchdowns to lead the Indians into the win column for the first time this fall after seven straight defeats. The win not only meant a lot because it was Keystone Heights' first, but also because it was dedicated to Indians' player Matthew Dickinson.

Matthew, the son of coach Chuck Dickinson, had a seizure prior to the Indians' game at The Villages on Oct. 15th. He was rushed to the hospital where a CAT Scan showed that he had a brain tumor. Chuck Dickinson said his son was transported toShands at UF that night and the next morning he said Matthew underwent about a three-hour surgery to remove the tumor. After the procedure, Chuck Dickinson said the doctors ruled the tumor to be benign.

Matthew Dickinson, who showed up at halftime of last week's home contest with Mount Dora but didn't travel to Newberry, is making good progress according to his father. Matthew is out of the hospital and is scheduled to return to school Monday. He does need to go back in six weeks to have another CAT Scan and Chuck Dickinson said there is a possibility his son, who plays tight end, could return to the football field for the spring and next season.

"We all got No.18 stickers to put on the back of our helmets for him, this was the second week we did that," Harvey said. "He has been in our prayers, but this win is dedicated to him.
"This victory was really awesome, 0-7 was really tough to come out of, we knew we had it in us," the junior said. "We were probably the best 0-7 team you've ever seen."

Things started rough for KH (1-7, 1-3) as Reggie Thomas fumbled to open the game, which led to Rakeem Hoyt's two-yard scoring run to give Newberry a 7-0 edge. Harvey responded with 1:24 left in the first quarter as he hit Chase Julius with a seven-yard slant pass for the game-tying score. Andrew Vargas put the Panthers (2-6, 1-3) back on top, 14-7 with a two-yard quarterback sneak, but the Indians rolled with 24 unanswered points to claim the win.

Harvey connected with Ryan Latner on a pair of nice touchdowns as the Indians led 21-14 at halftime. Thomas, who ended with 151 yards on 21 carries, had a three-yard scoring run in the third quarter before Logan Stanley added a 29-yard field goal in the fourth period for the final margin.

"The kids have played hard," Chuck Dickinson said. "There has been a lot of emotion this year with the things that happened two weeks ago."

KH finished with 206 rushing yards, while Newberry had 206 rushing yards, led by Chris Gillyard's 94 yards on 15 attempts.

"I am glad for Chuck and for their team, with what they have had to go through, the hard times with his son," Newberry coach Tommy Keeler said. "I was in contact with Chuck all through that and I tried to give as much support as I could to him. I am glad for him but sad for us."

"This victory was really awesome, 0-7 was really tough to come out of, we knew we had it in us," the junior said. "We were probably the best 0-7 team you've ever seen."


Things started rough for KH (1-7, 1-3) as Reggie Thomas fumbled to open the game, which led to Rakeem Hoyt's two-yard scoring run to give Newberry a 7-0 edge. Harvey responded with 1:24 left in the first quarter as he hit Chase Julius with a seven-yard slant pass for the game-tying score. Andrew Vargas put the Panthers (2-6, 1-3) back on top, 14-7 with a two-yard quarterback sneak, but the Indians rolled with 24 unanswered points to claim the win.

Harvey connected with Ryan Latner on a pair of nice touchdowns as the Indians led 21-14 at halftime. Thomas, who ended with 151 yards on 21 carries, had a three-yard scoring run in the third quarter before Logan Stanley added a 29-yard field goal in the fourth period for the final margin.

"The kids have played hard," Chuck Dickinson said. "There has been a lot of emotion this year with the things that happened two weeks ago."

KH finished with 206 rushing yards, while Newberry had 206 rushing yards, led by Chris Gillyard's 94 yards on 15 attempts.

"I am glad for Chuck and for their team, with what they have had to go through, the hard times with his son," Newberry coach Tommy Keeler said. "I was in contact with Chuck all through that and I tried to give as much support as I could to him. I am glad for him but sad for us."

Not good

I hate when I'm reminded that I'm not all that hot. Oh well. I need to remember that nobody takes care of me but me. I think I need to just focus on that and have a nice day.

Today should be busy. I hope to have pictures on here tomorrow. Have a nice day.

Hot Fudge Jeep

Tracy's first love. But, if you look closely, my purse is on the passenger's seat. Again, so sorry to all you jealous women.

:)

Howling at the moon a little...

There are always two ways to look at things.

I am 45. I serve food to people and clean up after them, run a cash register, and today I will work the drive thru. I am very lucky. I work for the best boss I have ever had. I am appreciated, and I get to be with the most incredible women all day. Yeah, I smell like bbq when I leave, but I also laugh, smile, and am cared for the whole time I'm there. Win.

One of the wonderful ladies that I work with recently bought my old car, the Cutlass. I think it is perfect and poetic that it has been passed from one single mom to another. There was something very satisfying when she drove off knowing that no man was part of that transaction. For that moment, we didn't need one.

 I'm not a man hater. Just the opposite. My God, I have been literally rescued by a few. In every way. It's pretty clear how much I adore my Miller. But if he had not succumbed to my stalking, I would not need another man to make me complete. I'd like to think he's here for my pleasure. Just my hot toy. He be fine.....

 But anyway.....My friend has the car and is autonomous. Today. I think that is awesome. One of the biggest compliments I have ever gotten was from my lawyer, the Great Oz I like to call him. We were wrapping up the last transaction of my divorce case. He looked at me and said, "You're a survivor. You're going to be fine." I was like, Whatha hell? Survivor? I cry, borrow, cry, and if my body were street worthy, I would have probably used that a time or two. And I cry. I am so frickin needy! And then he grinned his Cheshire grin and said, "I know. You know how to make it happen for your kids." Wow. I will still keep him on speed dial along with my urologist, gynocologist, and my tow truck driver (all men), but that was nice. I know a lot of women like that. Survivors, rainmakers, whatever we are. Kid feeders!  Power to us, screw the world, kiss my ass, and all that! Have a great day!!

I think tears are like lactating. Supply and demand. You'll never run out as long as you need them. And the nursing moms said, "Word."

I am being pulled in so many directions these days. It's mostly emotional. I know that in about 2 or 3 months, all will be settled in one way or another. It's just the moment before that seems like I can't stretch any further without breaking. I know I won't. So I cry a little here and there. Like a pressure cooker releasing steam. Just a little.

I would hate to imagine life without my Tracy Miller. He is THE best man I have ever known, loved, been loved by, etc. I look forward to any moment with him.

Ok. I am learning how to scan. Yeah, I know. I'll tackle the Atari next. Anyway, I'm about to have some fun. This is my favorite picture of Evan. I can't wait to scan Honey's drawings. Oh man. I need help with centering.

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don''t give up.

So true. I am trying.

To do?

When thinking about what to do in life, I don't like the term "bucket list." It sounds like I'm headed to the barn to feed the animals with my list of grain and corn and sloshing through manure and mud. My shoes are getting messed up, and I should have worn a jacket. And the cows are staring at me. But I do like to think about what I would like to do or live or experience in the next 40 years or so.

I want to go to sleep every night with Tracy. Door shut. The world outside. Just big strong arms and the sound of his breathing. I will never take one of those moments for granted.

I want to go back to NYC. I like that place. A lot.

I want to take some semi naked pictures of myself. Yeah, that's right. I said it. (And many people gasp! and say she really has lost her mind. Which makes it fun,) Anyway, just something to remind myself later that I was pretty or sexual or uninhibited. It may just be too late. I'm not talking about Polaroids. Dear God. I mean real photographs. And, by the way, I like the word naked better than nude. Naked sounds more authentic. Nothing to hide. Nude sounds like there are cosmetics and lighting creating an illusion. Just me. Nude sounds like a Revlon eye concealer. Naked is "here it is".

I want to stop being haunted by my memories and imagination. This probably requires hypnosis or an exorcism.

I want to write a book. For my kids to know me. If they want to. But I have to get over the fear of offending the people I would write about. I think I will get over that one. I am finding that people are not always worth all the consideration I attribute to them. The truth is just the plain ole truth, and I can tell it if I choose to. I am finding that people who are hell bent to judge or misunderstand me will do so no matter what. Their choice and not my problemo.

I want to go to sleep one night with the knowledge that my kids are living life on their own terms, sustaining themselves, and being loved.

I want to just live. Eat, drink, laugh. dance sometimes, love and be loved. Watch sunsets, look for 4 leaf clovers, read good books, look at art, take naps, and see God in all of it.

Peanuts and drinking wine with God

Honey, as some know, is trying her hand at raising bunnies. A rabbitry of small and monumental proportions. When Mama Bunny gestated and took on the high calling (motherhood), she had 4 sweet little ones to show for it. But one was doomed from the get go. It was a Peanut. A Peanut is a bunny that will never grow. It's little head is a wee bit too big, giving the little guy the shape and form of the name. You can try to nurture a Peanut, but in the end it will die. No chance.

My marriage was a Peanut. I died many times trying to keep that bunny alive, but no can do. I remember when I filed for divorce and saw the words "irretrievably broken". Wow. That's one way to say it. I knew this already. Had known it for many years. But what I was not prepared for and will never be "over" is irretrievably breaking the hearts of my kids. To say that it kills me is a great understatement. More like putting my beating heart through a meat grinder and walking around like that. All the time. I can see in each person (my children) the effects of my failed attempts. They are all different, but each grapples and struggles and manifests in different ways. I can only watch, pray, and cry way too much. They each literally saved my life by just being conceived. They are proof that God loves me. The only evidence I will ever need. If God walked in right now and suggested that we sit down, have a glass of wine, and chat, it would not solidify his existence any greater to me. I see him all the time. I do his laundry, if you will...I have all I need. But if I lose it all tomorrow, it's enough that I once had it. I can't ask for more than that. That is how my faith goes.

Some may think I'm a little dramatic. That's fair. I have never met a sadness that I did not embrace and try to figure out. Not sure why. I need to feel your pain for some friggin' reason. But I can truthfully say that unless you have been down this road, you just do not know. I deliberately created a home for my children. I thought of everything (too much). They are left with a hole. It sickens me. It was inevitable.

The good news is, they will get through it. Pain and hardship really do build good things in a person. I am not the source of life for them. God is. They will figure all this out and be better for it. If love does, in fact, cover the multitude of wrong, then it's only a matter of time. I am not the first mother to watch a child hurt. Mary did it well. I hope I can learn the lessons I am suppose to learn so I can close this chapter. Peace to all who are walking this out. You know who you are.

Happy Birthday, Andrew. : )

Not much

Some days I just have nothing to say. Well, nothing uplifting or interesting. So, I'll let somebody else do it.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Mark Twain

Be polite to all, but intimate with few.
Thomas Jefferson

"Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it."
— David Sedaris

Nothing but fun!!!

Known

You never know what it is to be someone else. Never. You can put their shoes on, get in their skin, stand on their porches. But you can't know completely. Only God, I believe, knows. So please don't tell me what I should be doing, what I think, where I've been, how I feel. Like you know. If someone wants to know me, please close your mouth and listen. It's that easy. Or just watch me. Or don't.

I don't think God is shocked by our questions. I don't believe he is offended when we can't see him. The fact is, we can't see him. It's just the truth. I think he can work with that. He is bigger than any idea or doctrine or translation or act. I am in awe of that. I will never get tired of looking up and just being known. And me-- not knowing much of anything. How could I be any other way? He knows where I am. And who I am.

That is peace and joy to me.

Trying To Get To You

Carole inspired me.

La la la...I can't hear you.

This weekend was too short. It is Sunday night, and I am looking ahead to next Thursday already.

I am wondering so many things. How am I going to do all the things I want to do, how will I afford it, how far do you bend for people, why bend at all? I don't understand why I am here sometimes, but I don't want to wake up when I'm 85 and realize I had it wrong. I want to live and love the day I am in. Tracy is the best balance I have ever had. He saves me everyday and doesn't realize it. Or maybe he does.

The older and wiser I get, the more I just don't want to entertain toxic people. I know everyone would say, "Of course not!" But these people are everywhere. Stresses me out. I like the back deck at sunset more and more with a glass of wine, my feet propped up, and you know who. I like loving and being loved. My kids are fine with this. Some think I am in "la la" land. I absolutely wish I was in" la la" land. All the time. Who doesn't? My "la la" is music, food and sleep! And sex. (Sorry to all who would not have that). I am rambling now. For Hoover. Have a beautiful Monday. I will.

Some things about me since it's my blog and all.

I am accomodating to the point of self deprivation.

I like Pinot Noir. A lot.

My imagination is not my friend. It is vivd and powerful.

I will tell a kid "no". I just usually don't want to, but "no" is there.

The world does not revolve around me.

I like money. I don't have any, but I love to shop and wear nice clothes. Sigh.

I prefer a bath to a shower any day.

I want to go to Toronto, Italy, England, NYC again, and anywhere with Tracy.

I am not crafty. I am bad at that. I like words. Books get me all excited.

I will not let you yell at me, call me names, bully me, or control me. You are not worth it. (That is hard for me to say.)

Oh well, that's all for now.

The things I do...

There a a lot of things that I dislike doing, but I can honestly say that they are enjoyable with Tracy. Example. We went to a freezing cold spring not long ago. I would NEVER get in that water for anyone, but he just looked at me, and said come on a few times, and...there I was in ice water. I have waded out in the lake fully dressed because he said with his hand and a smile, "c'mon".  I like to wake up at 4 or 5 or whatever time just to say good morning to him. To hear him say it back.

My hope for my kids is to have this one day. Wouldn't that be nice?

The Only Exception

Some songs say it better than I can...


When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, You, are, the only exception

You, are, the only exception

You are what you eat (and do)

My actions reflect my heart.

 Whatever is in there comes forth from my mouth, hands, and feet. My sweet friend, Jenn, is driven pretty much crazy because I "love" everybody. We joke that I will say, "He murdered his family, but he has a good heart." Ok, his heart is bad. But I tend to give everyone quite a break. Maya Angelou said it best: When someone shows you who they are, believe her/him the first time. Oh, help me.

Don't tell me you love me. Show me. And I will, too. Have a perfect day!

My Boys of Fall



<>                                         Touchdown Harvey to Julius. Woohoo!!!

These are good days.

 


Love these boys.



September

Today is, according to my calendar, the first day of autumn. My favorite. I love this time of year, and it keeps getting better.

I am trying to be a better person all the time. Sometimes, I see me through someone else's eyes, and that helps. Sort of. I am so driven to make everyone near me happy. To create happiness and good times. My biggest fear for over 20 years was to hurt my children, and hence, make them unhappy. I'm not talking about a little anxiety. I am talking about paralyzing, keep me awake, change myself however I have to- fear. Not sure what that's all about, but I think I still do it. I guess I'm conditioned like Pavlov's dog, but I just don't know what I'm getting from it.It does make me drool, though, when the bell rings. I know selfless is good. I just need to figure this out. That's what is happening in this mind today.

Meanwhile, I will love my September. The breezes, football, baking, my Tracy Miller, good hair, all of it. I enjoy my kids so much. I think I am looking ahead to my nest changing and not liking it. Damn.

Mooney and other bad asses

Twists and Turns

Being judgmental is just never a good idea. You tend to find yourself in situations that you have looked down upon. I, of course, have done that before, and others have certainly done that to me. Good luck with that. I am in a place now of empathy. I recommend it.

I get to see Tracy everyday now. He is working locally, and I am spoiled beyond repair. I just cannot get enough. Happy day!

My kids are doing well in school and in general. I have two (three with Chelsea) in college, three in highschool (I am counting Rylee), and one in elementary. It's a dance keeping everyone going. I love it, but I look forward to my moments with my wonderful man.

There have been very sad times in my life that I have wondered aloud if this was all there is in this life. Now I am so happy that this is all there is. It's more than enough. I could not dream it up any better.

Wheels

Today is a milestone for me. I have gone from a really nice car, no car, a free gift of a car, and now one that is all mine. I am happy. It's a used Kia Sorrento. Yay!



Kimberly, me, and Jenny Jenn Jenn.



From the Inside Out

I miss my father sometimes. I do today. Not because I want him to take care of me. I just enjoyed him. But  not when I was a child. He struggled with depression and abusive tendencies my whole life. The holes that were carved out of me took years to understand and fill. But I understand it all now. He was imperfect, and I loved him. I am not afraid to say that he was abusive. He was. The truth doesn't dishonor people. It makes you free.

It has a lot to do with why I love the flaws in people so much. Well, maybe not the actual flaws, but the people that don't hide them. I will take the ugly truth any day over a facade. I don't need to change you. I prefer not to try that freaky trick. I'm not God. I will just love you or at least feel sorry for you (my strategy with annoying people). I have accepted that there are some that just do not care about me even though they claim to. It's OK. It's an eye opening kick to the stomach when you see it. I can remember several milestones throughout my life where I had those epiphanies. As a child, in my teens, through my adult years, even today. I am at peace. You don't have to love me. I love me, and that's enough. It really is just fine.

September 13th, YAY!!

One Year with my beautiful, perfect Tracy Miller. It honestly gets better everyday.

Love my Hot Fudge Sundae

Counting Blessings

I have so many good things in my life. Here are a few this morning....

Tracy. The most sensible, decent, loving, strong, bad ass, selfless, hot man I know. He makes me laugh and can calm me down. He reads me, people! I could look at him all day. I still can't believe dreams come true. This just doesn't happen. I will never take it for granted.

My children. They are wiser than so many adults I know. They are funny, balanced, and just great. I am blessed among women.

Johnny Mason and the complete entity of JBBQ. The man has saved my life on more than one occasion.

My fireplace. It's big. I can fit in it.

My God. I would be alone in the dark without him. A walking corpse. He seems to like me. It's all I can hope and ask for.

Football season. Thank you, God. A distraction from the mundane! A reason to yell and dance and make a fool of myself. Yay!!!

That's where it's at this Sunday morning. Happy day to all.

Listen

I have noticed that one of the most important human needs is the need to be heard. To be understood, regarded, validated. I have never met someone that did not want to just get their sentence out. Kids especially.

Abusers take this away early on, if not first. They have to dehumanize.

I have been regarded by some of the most unlikely people, and disregarded by some that just shouldn't. Oh well. Life is full of surprises. I will continue to deliberately empathize. I want to at least try to walk in the other shoes. It's what sums up my faith. If I can understand you, I can treat you how you need to be treated. I believe my kids are better for it. Love to all.

This day

People are not always nice. Must remember this. It always catches me off guard. What is wrong with me? I need to toughen up, but at 45, it's not looking very likely.

Sleepy

I am looking for small miracles everyday. And I sometimes see them. They usually involve someone caring about me or maybe a big tip. It's sometimes Tracy just remembering something I said. I like that. I have good friends that enjoy my thoughts and comments. You may take these things for granted, but  I don't. It blows my mind.

I think about what it would take for me to be happy on earth. I mean having need of nothing. I think money helps. Sorry, Oprah. It just does. I would like mine and Tracy's kids to be whole and prepared for life. I would like to laugh and eat and drink a little. Dance when it feels right. Lay under the stars and be told I am the one.

August

August.

 I have to admit, it's been quite a month the last 3 years. This one just will not end. But that's OK.

I moved at the beginning of the month. We found a great house to rent. My room is still a mess, but all the stuff is here.

The kids started school. Always fun, but this year we have the added blessing of Tracy's boys, Austin and Rylee, in Keystone. There is never a dull moment, and if there is, Tracy and/or I fall asleep.

As you may know (by my talking constantly about it) Evan is playing quarterback this year. The first game was Friday. He got a concussion. He is doing fine. I adore my children. Thank you to all the people that care enough to ask about my boy. It means so much.

Honey's bunny gave birth to 3 normals and a "peanut". Evidently, a peanut in rabbit terms means early death. And so it goes...

I continue to work with and for the best people in the world.

Tracy and I are throwing around plans for our future. Don't ask, 'cause I don't know. We love each other. I know that.

I have felt at times this month that my head was a grape about to POP. I am continuing to try and be the right thing in the face of those who aren't. I try to think good things, inwardly being transformed. I am sick of the outward show. My faith is for God to judge. I don't even judge myself. I'm not qualified.

I am ready for the fall. Please come, September.

Right before

This is the Reggie reverse. Evan, as you can see, is getting ready to block, and, as we all know, get his first concussion. Notice big guy on right....

Still here...

I finally have Internet in the new house. This month has been quite interesting and full. I will tell all. Well, mostly. People are still good, bad, kind, deadbeats, and amazing. August has been no exception. Love to you if you are still reading this little blog. Give me a second, and I will start talking. I can't help it.

Thursday

Our Fun Night

Tara, Keith, Tracy (fun guy), Me, Dave, Kelly, Drew, and Sally's hand

Home

Carole recently wrote some things about her home that got me thinking. The idea of home. The place where your heart is and all that jazz. Fireplaces, food, love, safety, comfort. Home.

Geographically, Baton Rouge, LA has always been my home. It still is. Those streets belong to me. The buildings, grocery stores, houses. The way it feels in September when the football drum cadences are playing, the sky in October, seafood specials on Fridays, the collective let the good times roll spirit. Home. Even if I never go back, it will always live in me.

But home is more to me. I have always considered myself to be home for my children. The center. I realize that will end, and it has already begun. My sweet kids don't orbit around my light as much as they used to. It's OK, I think. It better be. I know I will always be steadfast for them. Like my own mom.

For a long time I felt displaced. My kids are always home, but my heart also belongs to Tracy now. He is home to me, too.  Love, safety, comfort. Peace.

Dill

"I think I'll be a clown when I get grown," said Dill. "Yes, sir, a clown.... There ain't one thing in this world I can do about folks except laugh, so I'm gonna join the circus and laugh my head off." "You got it backwards, Dill," said Jem. "Clowns are sad, it's folks that laugh at them." "Well, I'm gonna be a new kind of clown. I'm gonna stand in the middle of the ring and laugh at the folks."

~Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

hmmm.

Forget about Calgon. I want a big Canadian to take me away. Right now.

Weekend

So far so good. Last night my perfect and loving man came with me to Market Street Pub to meet my friends even though he was exhausted and in pain. I am the luckiest woman in the world. We had fun and played pool and danced and laughed. Love my Tracy Miller.

I am the exhausted one now. I am off tomorrow and so glad to be. I am looking forward to a quiet day at home and then an evening with the before mentioned Miller.

Evan got a tattoo yesterday. He put his name (Harvey) on his inner bicep. He did this with his father which is very nice. The tattoo looks great. My kids are very good people. I am so happy to get to walk around in this world with them. We have a great time. Cheers to you.

trickin' the blog with Sue

Look how enthralled I am with Carole's skill. I am a sponge soaking in her patient wisdom. We had fun, by the way.

LSU Tigers Callin' Baton Rouge Video 2009

I love my Red Stick! You can hear the only country song that genuinely makes me happy! (With the exception of Broken Road, much to Tracy's dismay.) Yay!!!!

I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.
Frederick Douglass

I can remember being very small and thinking that women got pregnant by kissing men. I also thought that the father would sort of transfer if a pregnant woman kissed another man. This is deep shit. I learned differently by and by.

I remember thinking I would spend some significant time in purgatory,
and that David Lee Roth was sexy. I thought people were just like me. The point is, we change and see the light. All the time. I don't think the light changes, but we just see it so dimly. We can't handle it all.

I have been through a blender the last few years. I understand that not everyone can understand or empathize with this. I can barely grasp it. But, the clock keeps going, and so do I.

One thing that does not change is love. I still believe that it is not only the greatest of the gifts, but that it is forever. It covers the multitude of wrongs and can endure anything. That's what is inside of me. The common thread that will stitch its way through my years. It's about giving myself away. I like it.

My day

Sometimes I mean well and still cause harm. ???
Today was like that.

I worked at Johnny's during lunch. I always go in thinking that all will be well. And it was, except for my getting a little protective. The nature of people in a restaurant is predictable, but every now and then you get the mean one. And so, it goes. I think I did pretty well considering.

I have my kids today. We ate dinner and watched TV like normal people. I talked to Tracy. His voice is always one of the best parts of my day. I get to see him tomorrow. I love that man.

I am moving soon. I am collecting boxes (thank you, Mr. Ray!) and will soon start the process. I have moved around 30 times. I've been single, married, pregnant, name it. I hate it. This time will be different. I found a house that will fit everybody. It has a great big living room with a fireplace. I love fire. Football games, cooking, and a fire. And wine. What could be better? I think I will take a class this fall to work toward my degree. Just a token really, but I need to move forward. Technical English will be just what I need. Maybe.

I am trying to live with no expectations about my life. I am dangling on a thread, and I have no power to make things go one way or another. I just live out the moments. Sometimes I need to just be quiet. Sigh.

Last night a crow flew into a transformer right outside the window at JBBQ. A loud boom and sparks went everywhere. Two interesting guys were kind enough to pick up the dead bird and throw it into the woods. A hole had blown right through its heart. We all wanted crow tattoos to commemorate the moment. Then we changed our minds. Sally is getting a pumpkin, and me--the heart on the outside. More on that when I do it.

I am thankful for being known. For the people that smile at me, laugh at my silliness, think I'm worth it. I am scared to death, but here I am.

My whole life I have kept journals or writings or whatever. I have always censored it all because I was afraid I would get in trouble or because I would hurt some one's feelings. The paper trail. Rule #1- don't leave one.

I have lots of thoughts and experiences that I hide or suppress for those reasons. No murders or anything. Just some mistreatments or silly things. Going out with friends and laughing. Walking through New Orleans with friends, going to the gym, parties, mean people, etc. I just don't mention it. That's too bad. I know it's what life, my life, is made of. Natural childbirth, nipple confusion (for the hardcore nursers), the crush I had on Rob Thomas back in 98, the Cross Walk days, the dirtiest thing I've ever done, book club at Melanie's, men, what it's like to have your heart ripped out often, sex, women I am jealous of for one reason or another (usually boobs or the way they just don't care), my family.....on and on. I know that memoir is about mattering. Being heard and valid to somebody but mainly yourself. I am not sure if it's possible. But I do think I need to write. It's there.

Going to work with all this going on in this head. Have a nice day.

Umbrella

My umbrella is not very stylish. It's not one of those cool ones with the little button that makes it jet out and open in one second. Mine is a little less fancy. But it's big. There is room under here for a lot more than the instructions recommend. I would never want anybody standing in the rain. It disturbs me.

My kids and some others know that somehow, I'll have an umbrella. I hope I find out in the end that life was just about that. Providing shelter from rain or storms or when the sun is too bright. I get under umbrellas all the time. And there are some that I would rather walk in the rain than to get under. There are worse things than rain.

I love the words to the song, Umbrella. Taking an oath and sticking it out til the end. Beautiful. I can do that.